The Illuminati are well aware of the controversy surrounding Obama’s Oath of office and we thought we’d take a moment to give you an idea of what went wrong, and how we fixed it.
Still bitter about McCain’s loss this past November, and not satisfied with having Vince Offer kick Obama’s ass in pageviews on this blog, the Care Bear Rebel Faction did the only thing they could do to stop Obama from taking office: call Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.
You heard me. John G. Roberts, Jr., aka “The Giggler,” works for the Care Bears. Don’t believe me? Check out his official photo on the right. He’s fighting a serious case of the giggles and not from a “you smelt it, you dealt it” situation, either…nooo…these giggles are the unsuppressible kind that you get when you’ve put on over on everyone. Don’t bother asking him about it, either. He’ll deny everything.
Now, Roberts’ dastardly plan was to mix up only one word in the oath so that it would seem so trivial that a do-over would seem superfluous. Unfortunately, some constitutional nerds cried “Don’t live life on the edge! Be on the safe side!” and a do-over was scheduled for the next day. Roberts had to act fast if he was to make this invalid oath stick. Knowing that a do-over oath is only valid if the incoming President placed his left hand on the exact same book as the first oath, he snuck into the master bedroom of the White House and swiped Obama’s bible from the nightstand while the couple slept. Secret Service personnel on duty at the time claim to have heard an evil giggle coming from the bedroom that night, but wrote it off as Obama shifting back into a lizard before turning in. They’re really not very good at their job.
And so, the next day, Obama was unable to produce his bible for the do-over oath and the Giggler walks away with a big fat “Mission Accomplished.” Once the Illuminati witnessed the lack of bible at the do-over, we knew what the Care Bears had done.
The truth of the matter is that when the oath and/or do-overs are rendered worthless, the Illuminati will usually appoint some unknown or has-been to rule in secret while the President pretends to run the country and serves as a scapegoat. But this was a new one on us. Never before has one of our affiliates conspired to interfere with the oath and done it so well.
So, it is with great joy in our hearts to announce that Obama has to forfeit the Presidency. To John McCain. You can’t complain either since he came in second in the Presidential election. From here on in, you’ll be seeing Obama make speeches and his little public appearances like you expect, but in the off hours, he’ll be tucked away in the cellar scribbling notes on bar napkins and mumbling about the vicious bastards we know as Care Bears.
Congratulations on your covert win, guys!