Puppies and Kitties and People I Pity

It’s that time of year again, the time of year when every fiber of my being fills with so much joy that I very nearly implode in a subatomic wave of Turkish toenails and pomegranates.

Yes, it’s time to torture the interns who are still in the building…I mean evaluate their performance and assist them in correcting any flaws.

Now, that’s not to say that we don’t torture our interns all year long, but evaluations are super special. “Why?” you ask? Because normally, I don’t get allocated any time to really think about what I’m going to put those freaks through so I end up just randomly shouting orders for punishments, but this is the one time of year that my superiors actually allocate a couple of weeks for me to sit down and really think things through.

So, for those of you who have requested to join my organization, I offer the following excerpts as a mild glimpse into what starting out in the Illuminati is like:

Tommy has been with the organization for three months and was involved in only one project. He demonstrated an extreme lack of enthusiasm when he was volunteered to test the Belly Button maker. As we heard him screaming to “make it stop” from three floors away, we realized that his level of commitment was disappointing at best. In order to assist Tommy in becoming an example of Illuminati Excellence, I recommend alternating pain therapy where we will force Tommy into choosing the worse of two electric shocks or be covered in silly putty and barbecue sauce and fed to Tyra Banks.

Cindy has requested that we let her out of her contract. In doing so, she has established that she is completely illiterate. It quite clearly says in her contract, in plain sight somewhere in the middle of page 1052 in the tiniest print I could find in the most unreadable font available that not even death will get you out of your contract. So, I’ve decided to let her think she’s out of her contract and make her my special little project. Why, she might just fall asleep in the bathtub only to awaken in her neighbor’s swimming pool stark naked during a family birthday party, or maybe she’ll check her mail and find her boyfriend crammed into the box, or perhaps I’ll just have the the Anti-Environmental Tree Kicking Chipmunks picket her front lawn until she cries for mercy. Honestly, I can’t decide on any one thing…so maybe I’ll just keep throwing stuff at her until she cracks.

Ben appears to have an exceptionally low IQ as he has been repeatedly unable to bring me a decent cup of coffee. Incidentally, he also cries like a little bitch when winged by a flying cup of scalding hot coffee. Since his learning abilities appear to be hampered by pain, we should just stop trying to teach him anything at all. We really don’t want to do away with him just yet, as I find certain un-scarred parts of him to be quite entertaining in a rather pedestrian way. So, I’ll be taking him home and while he’ll enjoy himself at first, rest assured that he will dread the day he saw hot bean water.

Karen has difficulty respecting authority. She does not respond when spoken to, is running an abnormally low body temperature, absolutely refuses to have a pulse, won’t entice The Wolverpus into play, and the smell is getting worse by the day. This kind of insubordination will not be tolerated on any level. Karen will be forced, at gunpoint, to clear out her desk and report directly to the Soul Retrieval and Gravy Pudding testing facility where she will be subjected to the “Special Sauce.” Look for her in a store near you.

So that, my obedient friends, is what our interns will be subjected to for failing to assist us in improving our methods to oppress your free will. Bastards.

But, considering an intern’s lifespan is quite short, we are always looking for more. So don’t let any of the above dissuade you from sending your resume to HQ. We will most definitely consider it.