With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama. Now without further adieu…
Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii
After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can assure you that he was not born in Hawaii. Yeah, I totally forged that certificate. On my coffee break. You people are so gullible. Truth of the matter is that Obama was born on Amalthea, which is the third moon of Jupiter. This is very important to those who actually give a damn because Amalthea is the traditional birthing ground of the royal family of shape shifting lizards. Now, Obama is not a member of the royal family. Well, not officially. You know how well those royals keep their nondescript reproductive organs to themselves. Yes! That’s right! Obama is the bastard love-child of George Bush and the Queen of England! Don’t deny it. You know in your heart that it’s the truth.
Obama’s Aversion to the Pledge of Allegiance
First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance is not really about patriotism at all. It’s a promise to give your immortal soul to an inanimate object. Agents of the Illuminati cannot pledge their immortal soul to inanimate objects, Pamela Anderson, or corn dogs. If we attempt to do so, we’ll dissolve in to a puddle of goo resembling Marlon Brando. Therefore, any images or movies you see of Obama reciting the Pledge with hand over heart is a total fabrication – and easily duplicated using mirrors, lasers, and a tuna fish sandwich – with extra mayonnaise. The mayonnaise is important for pliability.
Obama’s Infamous Limo Ride
Did Obama really coke up and engage in sexual relations with that limo driver on YouTube? First of all…c’mon, a limo driver? Coke? This is a prized Illuminati agent and he has access to way better drugs and far better looking sexual partners. Unlimited access. Heck, he can still pick a coked up toothless limo driver if that’s where he wants to put his jollies. But I can assure you that if he did pick such a partner, there is no way we’d let the guy live long enough to post his lame-ass story on YouTube, much less file a lawsuit.
Obama’s Going to Tax Water
This is just ridiculous. Shape-shifting lizards wouldn’t tax water. The shape-shifting process is extremely drying and Lubriderm simply does not work as advertised. So, taxing water would not be a good idea for the shape-shifting lizard population of the world. But, taxing air, bodily secretions, hookers, and M&Ms…all fair game. And don’t think he won’t tax M&Ms either. He hates them, what with their prancing around in their animated arms and legs, corruping todays youth with seductive lines like “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.” He simply must tax them before they figure out how to make porn and the echos of hard-coated candy shells clacking together are heard throughout the country.
There are of course many more rumors, none of which I will bother to address. Mostly because I just don’t care enough…ah, there I go again – lying. I’ve got to go swear in some interns. With bottle rockets filled with acid. This is going to be fun.
LOL! Irreverant and Brilliant! Thank you for making me laugh today.
Brilliant, as always!
Want to bet cold hard FRNs whether some bat-sh*t insane Republican will start distributing this in chain emails by tomorrow, swearing it is all absolutely true and has already been confirmed on snopes.com? LOL
You’ve got to do one on Palin now. No one will ever convince me she’s completely human. 😉
Maybe you should do some more research on the illuminati and then see if you still want to make jokes.
Don’t worry, folks, we’re in the process of tracking down that escaped intern.
Wow, Ben…that’s some seriously inspired tin-foil hat.
Good to see you, Doktor. You’ll be pleased to know that the tin-foil hat did not hamper our ability to locate and punish him for speaking out against the organization without authorization.
He can currently be seen as a footstool under my desk. His expression of humiliation is absolutely priceless.
Maaaan, you know there is such thing in the web like search engine, http://google.com if you don’t, go there to understand why this post is bullshit
If someone needs a search engine to figure out if what’s said on this blog is true or not…I’ve already won.
But if you’re part of the Illuminati wouldn’t news of your secret attempts to control the world be unnoticed by others. And thus not be recorded in the google search engine. (Or furthermore, would you not have access to the google database and be able to remove any incrimidating evidence of your actions?)
But then why inform us of your actions… unless your goal is to disuade us in the false sense of dillusionment of you being unable to actually have done what you said… there by causing people to believe that what you say is in jest and not “check and see” if it is true…
Unless you accounted for us noticing that and thus tell us the reverse of what you’re actually doing so that those who know you’re telling the partial truth will search in the wrong place.
However, you have likely thought of that scenario and thus we would have to search for the inverted reverse of what you said! As my papi allways says, third time’s the charm… the only question is what the hell is the Inverted Reverse?
The Inverted Reverse is when a puppy swallows its tail while watching a fat person back up really fast which causes any witnesses to have a psychotic break. It happens more often than you think.
To address the heart of your concerns: My organization doesn’t concern itself with secrecy as much as it once did. Sure, we keep some projects under wraps, but they’re far more menacing than your little brain can handle. So, we release information from time to time and let all the whack-job conspiracy theorists fly off the handle. I won’t say how much of it is real and how much is not. It doesn’t matter anyway because you’re only along for the ride.