Wait…you didn’t think McCain was safe, did you?

For those of you who thought that McCain would be safe once we admitted to having Obama in our clutches, you were wrong.  As usual.  We left plenty of signs such as voting with Bush (who we already “control”) over 90% of the time, and that whole “Old McCain”, “New McCain” business.  When will you learn?

McCain is Technologically Deficient

Being a member of my organization requires an expansive working knowledge of technology.  Now, if you think that McCain cannot possibly be an Illuminati if he can’t use a computer, you are absolutely right.  For once. McCain is not a member.  He belongs to a militant division of the Care Bear rebel faction, and as you may already know, Care Bears emit EMF radiation which renders surrounding equipment inoperable.  Thankfully, we were able to graft shielding technology into his holographic human suit so that he doesn’t knock out microphones, cameras, cell phones, etc.  This still means that he can’t use a computer, even in his human suit, because his “fingers” are still paws and as such, cannot type.  As to the rumors about being unable to drive a car…well, Care Bears love to drive cars.  Fast.  So fast in fact, that there is a sonic boom.  This would prove to be suspicious, so his contract with us dictates that he is not allowed to drive for as long as he is in the public spotlight.  Maybe we’ll let him run over some American Idol contestants after all is said and done.

Kick Butt, Monkey Nut

Anyone familiar with Care Bears knows that they are all castrated at birth and the subsequent scarring is covered up by the decorative pictures on their tummies.  There is much resentment over these belly badges and the humiliation they represent.  The rebels have since figured out a way to reconstruct their fun bits using spare primate parts.  McCain was one of the first to receive the surgery then proceeded to spend years making rude gestures to and otherwise harassing Strawberry Shortcake.  She obtained a restraining order in 1990 and is currently shacked up with an unnamed Popple somewhere in New Jersey.  McCain took a lesson from that debacle by bottling up his urges.  But as he’s now realizing, there are some unfortunate side-effects to his solution.  Namely, the “Monkey Nut Rage,” which has been covered by traditional news outlets as “anger issues”.

So Old, Dirt Calls Him Grandpa?

One could easily argue that John McCain is old.  Yeah, I think we all get that.  But there have been rumors that say that was born in the 19th or 20th century.  That is absolutely false.  No Care Bears were born in the 19th or 20th century.  In fact, no Care Bears have been born for at least six thousand years, due to the above-mentioned castrations and any new Care Bears you see have been the result of cloning.  Which also explains the Crayola colors.  So, McCain was not born on August 29, 1936, he was merely brought to consciousness on that date.  Which does at least make him old enough for some dirt to call him Grandpa.