I’m sure you’ve been wondering where I’ve been. Maybe even waiting with bated breath hoping I would come back and enthrall and berate you some more. Well you sick bastards, here I am. Anyway, I’ve been busy touring our many research operations throughout the world. I’m happy to report that things are coming along nicely in most areas, but there was one location near the Canadian border which worries me a bit.
Many years ago, I authorized this particular facility to manufacture a new breed of assassin with the understanding that they would make me pleasantly surprised by the results. In response, they spent billions of dollars coming up with what looked to be a…..hamster.
At first, I was exceptionally angry. I mean, what the hell am I paying these people for? I already have talking hamsters that are more than willing to kill people for me. And they make me more?! It was only after I impaled an unfortunate office worker with a plastic letter opener that they explained how special their hamsters were.
You see, they knew that I would not be satisfied with such a meager offering, so they made enhancements they knew I would like to ensure that their chances of survival would be higher. I’m going to make this into a bullet list, since I know that you all have the attention span of a horny puppy on crack. Try to keep up:
- I like angry little furry things. It’s true. So, they made these hamsters extra mean. From the lab videos they showed me, these little things turn green and rip the heads off baby chickens with their tails. For fun.
- I like people with ambition. And boy these things have it in spades. You know how welfare moms will eat their own children if the death benefits will be even one dollar higher than that child’s portion of the welfare check? Yeah, these guys will do it if the difference is only a cent more. Maybe even a fraction of a cent. Further testing will need to be done.
- Battle cries are awesome. You can’t deny it. And as much as I like a silent assassin, I prefer it if victims know it’s coming. The look in their eyes is more satisfying.
- I’m always thinking of storage space. I’m female, I can’t help it. So, naturally, I would want an assassin to be able to hide his tools on (or in) his person. These folks managed to make the hamster pouches 30% more efficient. Which, oddly enough, is just about enough room to fit a hamster-size sniper rifle, with accessories.
You may recall when I mentioned earlier about this project worries me. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the semi-final results. Problem is, the clever little bastards escaped. Or, self-released, if you will. That’s right, they’re loose and they have no standing orders. Now you see why I was worried.
But, the process of simplifying the situation and translating it into small words so that you may understand it has helped me come to the realization that I’m not actually worried. The facility is located near the Canadian border and those furry sociopaths headed north.
They’re Canada’s problem now. Do you think I should warn our satellite offices up there or let it be a surprise?