Everyone’s supposed to do this right? ::shrug:: Okay, so I guess I need to bring up some of our more spectacular successes and failures in 2017. We Found the Evil Government Weather Machine As some of you are already aware, it went missing somewhere in Canada in 2014. We honestly thought that transporting it in…
Month: December 2017
Resolutions for Failure
It’s that time of year again, where every schmuck from your dry cleaner to the person who licks your toilet asks you what your resolutions are for next year. You know that you’ll never keep these resolutions, if only because they’re impossible to keep. And besides, they’re totally lame. So, since my mommy taught me…
Soupy Lies
Condensed canned soup is a gloopy, disgusting glob of ick. Apply some heat and it becomes edible, but only barely. I mean, have you seen the little bits of “chicken” we put in the “chicken” noodle? It’s pigeon gristle. You eat flying rats when you get sick, you pig. Nothing is more of scam in…
Charity
Ah, December 26th has arrived. This is when we stop being so much in the spirit of giving and start thinking about giving for the tax write-off. I say “we” but I really mean “you.” I’m giving all year long, this is stuff I don’t worry about anymore. You people on the other hand only…
DEAR SANTA
YOU BLOKKED ME ON FACEBOOK THAT WASNT NICE I JUST WANNA TELL YOU WHAT I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS YOU LET THE OTHER KIDS DO IT. I WANT SMALLER PAWS OR BIGGER KEYBOARD. THESE TAP THINGS DONT WORK RIGHT. I WANT A PONIE. FOR FRIENDS NOT FOR FOOD SO MAKE SHUR ITS NOT BITCHY LIKE LAST…
Winning at Meetings
So you’re stuck dreading your impending entrance into a vortex of monotony. Well, this is your opportunity to prove to everyone just how fabulous you are. An empty room is truly a canvas for creativity, so arrive at all meetings early and draw crude cartoons over the board, walls, and floor. Only the board can…
Upstaged by a Pickle
I’m not going to mince words here, folks: I’m really angry with a pickle right now. For years, R&D has been working on making a penis that can sing and we were upstaged by a pickle… years ago. That’s right, I’m talking about the Yodeling Pickle. No one can quite understand the frustration of being…
I PEE ON THE CAKE, a poem
I PEE ON THE CAKE I TAKE MY VIATMINS LIKE A GOOD BOY THEN I PEE ON THE CAKE IS THIS YOUR CAKE ? I PEE ON THE CAKE DONT PEE ON CUPCKES CHOCOLATE CAKE OR WHITE CAKE I PEE ON THE CAKE I MAKE CAKE I MAKE FROSTING I PEE IN FROSTING AND SO…
Gas Station Alibi
You never know when you’re going to be questioned for murder. I get questioned all the time. The FBI has talked to me so often that I have a reserved space at like three branch offices. I have an interrogation punch card. One more and I can have Arby’s order a hit on someone for…
Elf on the Shelf: Illuminati Surveillance Gadget
Elf on the Shelf is controversial for sure, but not for the reasons you think. Sure, it’s got the rouged up cheeks and bright red lips of a daytime hooker on the prowl. Sure, it’s got the big blue-eyed sideways glance of a dog who has seen too much. And perhaps it has. Don’t get…