A Stocking Stuffer So Awesome You Will Literally Die

I’m trying my hand at click-bait titles today.  PRAISE ME.

Anyway, I was hopping around Amazon for no other reason than to look for terrible awesome gifts to give my anemic, vegan minions and I found a product that simply makes my black little heart soar like a hamster tied to a helium balloon.

SLOTDOG

I can’t even tell you how much I love this thing.  It’s so gloriously useful.  Have you ever felt like not enough smoke or grill flavor has penetrated your hot dog deeply enough?  Did you just suppress the urge to cringe just now?  I know I did.

And it’s not just about penetration, but also about caramelizing your dog’s juices.  That’s right!  The SLOTDOG is so incredible that it can caramelize something without the presence of sugar!  That dark brown/black stuff on your dog isn’t “burn” or “char,” it’s caramel, bitches!

Did you ever want to squish a log of ground up animal snouts and anuses into your window screen but were afraid that the neighborhood raccoons would do more to your windows than rub their little butts on them?  Now you can get that wonderful sensation right in your kitchen…or bathtub if that’s what makes you happy.

“But how do I get that neat zig-zaggy mustard design on my dog?” you ask. Why with the SLOTDOG’s “kung-fu grip.”  Just carefully squeeze your favorite condiment into perfectly spaced cracks in your dog and you’re the coolest guy at the table. There are two sets of zig-zags so you can prove that the class you took in Advanced Condiment Dispersal wasn’t a total waste of money and time! Except that it was.  You learned nothing if you need the training wheels that this fabulous tool provides.  Miserable cheat.

If you need to up your condiment game, remember that there’s Slawsa®! Wait, it’s not a condiment…it’s a whole new category of food!  So, not soylent either?  Color me disappointed.  You know it has to be good when you have a hard time finding a picture of the actual product on the site and it didn’t get any offers on Shark Tank.  Imagine my dismay when I finally got to the store and got to see it!  Looks like diced sauerkraut and…well, there you go.  Cabbage, sugar, and mustard. I hate sauerkraut for the simple fact that cabbage in any capacity tastes like fermented plague-rat balls.  So, it truly is a unique item to add to your condiment selection! 

Back to the awesome SLOTDOG, I know that you’re looking to buy forty pounds of hot dogs and are worried that you’re going to buy the SLOTDOG and discover that you can’t slot any of your dogs.  You’ll have to stare longingly at it while you grill up and eat an inferior dog.  Well, have no fear, the folks at SLOTDOG have provided a list of compatible brands so you can shop with confidence!  You read that right, there’s an actual list of hot dogs which can be slotted happily.  Someone tested this shit, yo and you will reap the benefits of their hard work.  I heard that they slotted dogs until their fingers bled, that they stood over a grill for days just to make sure that each dog was penetrated by the perfect amount of smoke and grill flavor, that it “caramelized” the edges of the slots perfectly and that they tested every single condiment in every single dog to confirm that the “kung-fu grip” would not release any goodness you added after cooking.

I saved the best news for last.  Like all kitchen gadgets approved by the Illuminati, the SLOTDOG can be used as a sexual aid and body modification tool!  But it can’t be used on real sausages.  It’s a SLOTDOG, not a SLAUTSAGE, Kevin.  Stop asking.