You Didn’t Join the Illuminati

I happened across a blog post in the WordPress Reader titled I Joined The Illuminati?! and I feel the need to clarify for this poor person (and everyone else) what their status with the Illuminati really is. I guess I could have done this in a reply or something but I need to write something today anyway.

First of all, any site which needs you to sign up to join is not affiliated with the Illuminati for so many reasons. You don’t ask to join, we invite you. After which point, joining is compulsory. No getting around it. So I guess it’s less of an invite and more of a kidnapping. Whatever.

We will also never ask you to buy identifying trinkets or ::shudder:: read a book. All information you receive is on an as-needed basis and often not even then. Do you know how many times I’ve been sent into a life-or-death situation with a KFC spork and an issue of AARP? Five times. Five. When someone hands you mutant eating utensils and magazines that contain 95.6% advertising which targets the elderly, you better be ready for shit to get real.

Internal regulations are learned on the fly. That’s why you’re assigned a stalker mentor who will torture guide you through your first few years with us. Anything beyond that is on you as we don’t believe in hand-holding or manuals. Clearly.

Now, don’t get me wrong, we do some good in the world. Actually, much of what we do is to stop everything from imploding around us, but our methods are beyond questionable. If I have the option to sit down and politely ask someone to stop doing something or to haul off and brain them with a brick, you bet your ass I’m holding a brick. And for fuck’s sake, we don’t advertise anything good. We have a reputation to uphold.

But do we care that someone is claiming to be us, trying to damage our reputation

So, if you had to ask to join, you didn’t really. Don’t buy baubles from impersonators, and remember that social diseases are spreadable but not in a good way like cream cheese.