I recently had someone bury my personal shopper after a long battle with stupidity. It’s apparently possible to be too stupid to live and that guy proved it. So, ever since then I’ve had to buy my own groceries. I can’t stand real grocery stores since people block the aisles and you spend more time in line than you did finding your stuff. So, I figured it’d be faster to shop online and just send someone to pick it up. That’s where Hannaford comes in. It’s the only place that lets me do that…and the produce has less face-burrowing spiders than their competition.
Racist Product Categorization
Did you know that artichokes are considered Hispanic food? Not all artichokes, though, just the Goya ones. You know what else is inexplicably Hispanic?
- Barley
- Corned Beef
- Vienna Sausage
- Chicken Bouillon Cubes
- Chocolate Wafers
- Jasmine Rice
- Olive Oil
- Coconut Water
- All different kinds of beans.
- And let’s not forget the vegetables.
And the best part is that you won’t find these items under the correct categories. For instance, those bouillon cubes don’t show up in the Broth & Bouillon category. Hats off to the racist category keeper who is keeping Goya’s sales down at Hannaford by shoving them into a category that most people would never think to look in for frozen cut green beans. Should I give him a raise or flay him with a melon baller? I’m leaning towards melon baller.
I Just Wanted the Cheapest Ketchup
I just wanted ketchup. Beautiful, wonderful soylent tomato goop loaded with salt and sugar. And I wanted the cheapest one they had. I don’t have a lot of standards when it comes to food. You know what I got?
Mustard. I search for the cheapest ketchup and get mustard. Mixing the results from related searches into the current search is downright evil. I might be in love. The strange results don’t stop at ketchup either. Do you want the cheapest can of gravy?
And you get cat food. I don’t know about you, but I love to pour warm cat food over my chicken. It makes the cat like him more and makes him run faster.
How about the cheapest can of tuna or salmon? Same thing! Have you ever tried to mix a can of cat food with mayo and put it on a sandwich? It made the interns throw up all over my brand new raccoon carpet.
The Macaroni & Cheese Keeps Changing
Are you going crazy or did you just really want some Chernobyl-colored cheese coated macaroni? You bet your shit I’m not crazy. So you can imagine how happy I was to find that there were 121 items and at least four pages to choose from!
But then I made the mistake of checking out page two…
These guys are truly amazing at their craft. They actually managed to add sixteen more items to the search and remove all the pages!
I’m so proud. I feel like we should make an award just for people like Hannaford’s programmers and content managers, who clearly feel that fucking with people is more important than quality workmanship or sales. They’ll always have a special place in my heart. But I guess I’ll have to get another personal shopper. And this one I might not throw out a window.
Friends don’t let friends die of stupidity.