Holiday Home Security

The economy is shaping up quite nicely.  Pretty much everyone in the middle-to-bottom range is still suffering and we’ve got economists telling you it’s getting better.  It’s not, duh.  We lie.  A lot. It’s one of our things.  Sure, not everyone believes us 100% of the time, but we convince enough people to make it…

The Art of Conspiracy

People try to blame my organization for things all the time. I get daily summaries of these on my desk every morning. I usually read these shortly after permanently disfiguring an intern with a flying cup of boiling hot coffee and fixing myself a cup of tea. Yes, I drink tea. The coffee is just…

White Asparagus Price to Rise

A report came across my desk this morning that concerned me.  Mostly because of the spelling errors and lack of coherent thought, but also partly because it seems to be indicating that we will soon run out of white asparagus unless we drastically change our procurement techniques. Now, you must be wondering it’s possible that…

Killer Hamsters “Escape”

I’m sure you’ve been wondering where I’ve been.  Maybe even waiting with bated breath hoping I would come back and enthrall and berate you some more.  Well you sick bastards, here I am. Anyway, I’ve been busy touring our many research operations throughout the world.  I’m happy to report that things are coming along nicely…

You Bore Me

Trampling all over your sense of reality, breaking into your homes and playing tic-tac-toe with your sanity, and just making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night is getting far too easy, and quite frankly,  I’m so very bored.  My psychiatrist was telling me that I might need to make the whole…

Pocket Villagers Now Available

One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public.  Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand…

Oddthingsyphilitis

Play along, my friends, or don your tin foil beanie and pretend that I can’t reach you. Just when I finished the last round of antibiotics, I managed to pick this up from ElfNinosMom over at Adventures In Frickintardistan.  Honey, go to the free clinic to get this taken care of before you spread it…

Congratulations, Colbert

My office received word early yesterday that our very own Stephen Colbert won the contest to have the new glorified Brita/Ionic Breeze/Porta-Potty named after him.   He really needs to step up his game, though, since he only received 230,539 votes.  His following used to be much larger than that.  I’d suggest acquiring a number of…