The economy is shaping up quite nicely. Pretty much everyone in the middle-to-bottom range is still suffering and we’ve got economists telling you it’s getting better. It’s not, duh. We lie. A lot. It’s one of our things. Sure, not everyone believes us 100% of the time, but we convince enough people to make it…
Author: webhick
The Art of Conspiracy
People try to blame my organization for things all the time. I get daily summaries of these on my desk every morning. I usually read these shortly after permanently disfiguring an intern with a flying cup of boiling hot coffee and fixing myself a cup of tea. Yes, I drink tea. The coffee is just…
White Asparagus Price to Rise
A report came across my desk this morning that concerned me. Mostly because of the spelling errors and lack of coherent thought, but also partly because it seems to be indicating that we will soon run out of white asparagus unless we drastically change our procurement techniques. Now, you must be wondering it’s possible that…
Killer Hamsters “Escape”
I’m sure you’ve been wondering where I’ve been. Maybe even waiting with bated breath hoping I would come back and enthrall and berate you some more. Well you sick bastards, here I am. Anyway, I’ve been busy touring our many research operations throughout the world. I’m happy to report that things are coming along nicely…
You Bore Me
Trampling all over your sense of reality, breaking into your homes and playing tic-tac-toe with your sanity, and just making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night is getting far too easy, and quite frankly, I’m so very bored. My psychiatrist was telling me that I might need to make the whole…
Illuminacare: The Illuminati Health Care Option
I have to admit that it’s been very entertaining watching everyone scream at each other over this whole healthcare debacle. No, really. I didn’t know you had it in you to get so worked up over nothing. Don’t you realize that no matter what you want or what you think is going to happen, you’re…
Pocket Villagers Now Available
One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public. Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand…
Oddthingsyphilitis
Play along, my friends, or don your tin foil beanie and pretend that I can’t reach you. Just when I finished the last round of antibiotics, I managed to pick this up from ElfNinosMom over at Adventures In Frickintardistan. Honey, go to the free clinic to get this taken care of before you spread it…
Congratulations, Colbert
My office received word early yesterday that our very own Stephen Colbert won the contest to have the new glorified Brita/Ionic Breeze/Porta-Potty named after him. He really needs to step up his game, though, since he only received 230,539 votes. His following used to be much larger than that. I’d suggest acquiring a number of…
An Appreciation of the Colbert Affair
The Illuminati would like to take this opportunity to thank Stephen Colbert for being such a wonderful and loyal servant to the organization. Many years ago, Stephen contacted HQ and expressed a deep desire to belittle and control people. Naturally, this piqued our interest and we decided to see just how serious he was about…