Early yesterday morning, my beloved wolverpus escaped from his cell during a routine feeding. After gorging himself on the idiot intern who left the door unlocked, he manipulated the elevator system into allowing him roof access and leaped to a nearby building. By the time the black helicopters arrived to subdue him with the hash…
Author: webhick
Lizard Impossible
This year marks the tenth anniversary of the Illuminati’s plan to destroy the Food Network. Now you may be wondering why we would choose to do such a thing and you should already know the answer to this: Because we can. Yeah, it’s good to be me. So anyway, you must want to know what…
Got Your Bush!
Today, one of my co-conspirators alerted me to an email sent by a member of NESARA. Dove of Oneness planted some inaccurate information regarding the passing of Tim Russert, of “Meet the Press”. First of all, we at the Illuminati would like everyone to know that although Mr. Russert frequently worked against us, we always…
Mine! All Mine!
Just yesterday, during the annual Multi-National Coordination and Manipulation Protocol Conference, I was flipping through my Illuminati “Motivational” Tools mail-order catalog in the hope of finding some entertaining equipment to furnish my office. Many items stood out – some of which I will buy, some of which I will fantasize about – so I thought…
Pawn Your Children
We at the Illuminati would like to thank everyone who is participating or has participated in the Pawn Your Children campaign. Last year’s turnout was outstanding, and this year’s is looking to be even better. For those of you not aware of the campaign who would like to join up, I’ve outlined the following tips…
Puppies and Kitties and People I Pity
It’s that time of year again, the time of year when every fiber of my being fills with so much joy that I very nearly implode in a subatomic wave of Turkish toenails and pomegranates. Yes, it’s time to torture the interns who are still in the building…I mean evaluate their performance and assist them…
Swishenheimer 766 Meets Tuesday
The hamster lap dancing union, Swishenheimer 766, will be meeting next Tuesday. The aquarium has pulled out as the regular meeting location due to several reasons, including but not limited to: Puffy insisting on riding the beluga whales, Buckwheat leaning his little hamster butt into the piranha tank and teasing them with his tail, that…
Franchising Opportunities Available
Do you want to make money? Do you want to be popular? Do you want to go down in history? Well, the Illuminati can help! Just send your left nut to the address shown on the back of your secret imploder ring, and you’ll receive a packet on accomplishing the above tasks by showing you…
Ode to an Audit
As you all know, it is the goal of my organization to jerk you around until your little brains crack like a baboon’s backside. And in the spirit of that, we created the concept of IRS audits. So, while I was showering the other night, some strange audit-related rhymes got stuck in my head which…
If you really love plants…
Have you ever talked to your house or office plants and justify that behavior with the pretense that they can’t hear you? Well, you’re right – they can’t. But I can. Go ahead. Take a good long look at your ficus. Sing a couple of show tunes…entertain me. And if you’re an erotofloramaniac…please, stop…before I…