So you’re stuck dreading your impending entrance into a vortex of monotony. Well, this is your opportunity to prove to everyone just how fabulous you are. An empty room is truly a canvas for creativity, so arrive at all meetings early and draw crude cartoons over the board, walls, and floor. Only the board can…
I’m not going to mince words here, folks: I’m really angry with a pickle right now. For years, R&D has been working on making a penis that can sing and we were upstaged by a pickle… years ago. That’s right, I’m talking about the Yodeling Pickle. No one can quite understand the frustration of being…
I PEE ON THE CAKE I TAKE MY VIATMINS LIKE A GOOD BOY THEN I PEE ON THE CAKE IS THIS YOUR CAKE ? I PEE ON THE CAKE DONT PEE ON CUPCKES CHOCOLATE CAKE OR WHITE CAKE I PEE ON THE CAKE I MAKE CAKE I MAKE FROSTING I PEE IN FROSTING AND SO…
You never know when you’re going to be questioned for murder. I get questioned all the time. The FBI has talked to me so often that I have a reserved space at like three branch offices. I have an interrogation punch card. One more and I can have Arby’s order a hit on someone for…
Elf on the Shelf is controversial for sure, but not for the reasons you think. Sure, it’s got the rouged up cheeks and bright red lips of a daytime hooker on the prowl. Sure, it’s got the big blue-eyed sideways glance of a dog who has seen too much. And perhaps it has. Don’t get…
Too many people focus on the story about misfits having something important to give back to society. Don’t. It’s all a lie. Being weird is not some kind of badge of honor. Being special only makes you annoying. And having a giant glowing tumor mounted on the end of your snout that whistles of its…
I’m trying my hand at click-bait titles today. PRAISE ME. Anyway, I was hopping around Amazon for no other reason than to look for terrible awesome gifts to give my anemic, vegan minions and I found a product that simply makes my black little heart soar like a hamster tied to a helium balloon. SLOTDOG…
You spend 16 hours a day at work, so you should be comfortable. Whether it offends someone else’s sensibilities doesn’t matter. They’re not in your skin. They don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and see…that…every day. Whether you like to attend important meetings in club-wear or your team’s bowling outfit shouldn’t…
Not the exercise, we’ve already covered how horrible exercise that is. No, I’m talking about cross-training at work. It’s annoying and accomplishes nothing. Look, when I take an intern who knows nothing about feeding The Wolverpus and have him feed The Wolverpus, do you know what happens? Right. Chewed beyond recognition. All that time I…
I’m honestly really tired of other sites giving you all these healthy living tips that were not sanctioned by my organization. They should honestly know better considering that I’m the one to determine the drug ratios in their water supply. Well, they don’t necessarily know about that. Especially what I’ve done to their bottled water. …