One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public. Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand…
Oddthingsyphilitis
Play along, my friends, or don your tin foil beanie and pretend that I can’t reach you. Just when I finished the last round of antibiotics, I managed to pick this up from ElfNinosMom over at Adventures In Frickintardistan. Honey, go to the free clinic to get this taken care of before you spread it…
Congratulations, Colbert
My office received word early yesterday that our very own Stephen Colbert won the contest to have the new glorified Brita/Ionic Breeze/Porta-Potty named after him. He really needs to step up his game, though, since he only received 230,539 votes. His following used to be much larger than that. I’d suggest acquiring a number of…
An Appreciation of the Colbert Affair
The Illuminati would like to take this opportunity to thank Stephen Colbert for being such a wonderful and loyal servant to the organization. Many years ago, Stephen contacted HQ and expressed a deep desire to belittle and control people. Naturally, this piqued our interest and we decided to see just how serious he was about…
Vince Tries to Slap Chop It Up to Me
Those who pay any kind of attention while fast-forwarding through commercials have seen our evil little leprechaun hocking a new product. Quite clearly, the Slap Chop is an attempt to gain favor with the Illuminati. Now, we’ve decided not to make a decision about this based on my present mood, since doing so would most…
Chief Justice Drives Home Win for Care Bears!
The Illuminati are well aware of the controversy surrounding Obama’s Oath of office and we thought we’d take a moment to give you an idea of what went wrong, and how we fixed it. Still bitter about McCain’s loss this past November, and not satisfied with having Vince Offer kick Obama’s ass in pageviews on…
Illuminati Christmas
Jens over at FreeDumb of Expression brought up some good points regarding Santa, so I decided that it’s time I reveal Christmas for what it is: an Illuminati plot to make a good part of your year completely unbearable. Or at least to those who celebrate Christmas. Don’t worry, we’re going after Hanukkah next. You…
You Demented Freaks
I love you. I really do. I’m not screwing with you, either. After WordPress upgraded to 2.7, something which I never cared to notice became hilariously apparent. When it comes to the two most popular posts on this blog, between our Obama announcement and our expose on Vince Offer – Obama nabbed 61% of the…
Kreativ Blogger Award
For some reason, this blog was tagged for the Kreativ Blogger Award by ElfNinosMom of Adventures in Frickintardistan, one of our co-conspirators. Normally, I would ignore such a thing, but I saw what she did to that Turkish elm using only a pair of pliers and a gummy bear..and well, that was nothing short of…
ShamWow – Shammy Suckage
The Illuminati have completed an investigation into ShamWow and Vince Offer. “Investigation” might be a stretching it a little bit. “Little bit” as in “beyond the limits of reality.” We pronounced them guilty before Vince was a tickle in his daddy’s pants. For those who are still sober enough to read, ShamWow and Vince Offer…