I would very much like to thank one of our Co-Conspirators, Adventures in Frickintardistan, for informing us about Ashley Todd’s inability to frame an Obama supporter by faking an assault. She is a disgrace to the Fame-Whores of the world. So, while I can’t release the course materials for “Grab Your 15 Minutes By the…
Wait…you didn’t think McCain was safe, did you?
For those of you who thought that McCain would be safe once we admitted to having Obama in our clutches, you were wrong. As usual. We left plenty of signs such as voting with Bush (who we already “control”) over 90% of the time, and that whole “Old McCain”, “New McCain” business. When will you…
Yeah, it’s true…Obama works for us.
With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama. Now without further adieu… Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can…
Realtor-Bots: The Cluster Bunny Continues…
In the beginning, there was land. And on that land there stood shelter. And lo the occupant of that shelter shouted to the heavens, “I covet a bigger shelter.” And the heavens responded by sending unto the people a special kind of unholy being. A Realtor. Okay, so that’s not quite how it happened. But…
Wolverpus Escapes
Early yesterday morning, my beloved wolverpus escaped from his cell during a routine feeding. After gorging himself on the idiot intern who left the door unlocked, he manipulated the elevator system into allowing him roof access and leaped to a nearby building. By the time the black helicopters arrived to subdue him with the hash…
Lizard Impossible
This year marks the tenth anniversary of the Illuminati’s plan to destroy the Food Network. Now you may be wondering why we would choose to do such a thing and you should already know the answer to this: Because we can. Yeah, it’s good to be me. So anyway, you must want to know what…
Got Your Bush!
Today, one of my co-conspirators alerted me to an email sent by a member of NESARA. Dove of Oneness planted some inaccurate information regarding the passing of Tim Russert, of “Meet the Press”. First of all, we at the Illuminati would like everyone to know that although Mr. Russert frequently worked against us, we always…
Mine! All Mine!
Just yesterday, during the annual Multi-National Coordination and Manipulation Protocol Conference, I was flipping through my Illuminati “Motivational” Tools mail-order catalog in the hope of finding some entertaining equipment to furnish my office. Many items stood out – some of which I will buy, some of which I will fantasize about – so I thought…
Pawn Your Children
We at the Illuminati would like to thank everyone who is participating or has participated in the Pawn Your Children campaign. Last year’s turnout was outstanding, and this year’s is looking to be even better. For those of you not aware of the campaign who would like to join up, I’ve outlined the following tips…
Puppies and Kitties and People I Pity
It’s that time of year again, the time of year when every fiber of my being fills with so much joy that I very nearly implode in a subatomic wave of Turkish toenails and pomegranates. Yes, it’s time to torture the interns who are still in the building…I mean evaluate their performance and assist them…