The hamster lap dancing union, Swishenheimer 766, will be meeting next Tuesday. The aquarium has pulled out as the regular meeting location due to several reasons, including but not limited to: Puffy insisting on riding the beluga whales, Buckwheat leaning his little hamster butt into the piranha tank and teasing them with his tail, that…
Franchising Opportunities Available
Do you want to make money? Do you want to be popular? Do you want to go down in history? Well, the Illuminati can help! Just send your left nut to the address shown on the back of your secret imploder ring, and you’ll receive a packet on accomplishing the above tasks by showing you…
Ode to an Audit
As you all know, it is the goal of my organization to jerk you around until your little brains crack like a baboon’s backside. And in the spirit of that, we created the concept of IRS audits. So, while I was showering the other night, some strange audit-related rhymes got stuck in my head which…
If you really love plants…
Have you ever talked to your house or office plants and justify that behavior with the pretense that they can’t hear you? Well, you’re right – they can’t. But I can. Go ahead. Take a good long look at your ficus. Sing a couple of show tunes…entertain me. And if you’re an erotofloramaniac…please, stop…before I…
Two lawyers walk into a bar…
While browsing my favorite Illuminati forum this morning, someone once again brought up the relationship between American lawyers and the British government and given that the Queen of England is stopping by later for a spot of tea and a round of paintball…I suppose I should comment. For those of you without your handbook and…
You Can Be an Illuminati, too.
April 1st. The one time of year that the general population can screw with each other, much the same way we screw with you. But please keep the following in mind: You are no longer allowed to use the “Delusional Contortion Gun”. We now reserve that for the kids at Christmas time. Fuzzy handcuffs can…
Open Season on Moonbats
Twenty-five years ago, when the Moonbats were having difficulty maintaining their wave generator, we signed a treaty that allowed them to troubleshoot the problem directly from Earth. It has been a long-held belief that the reason why moonbats never populated our planet was due to the inability to survive here. Now, we discover, that it…