Amazon and I have a sordid history. It may have something to do with that time I tried to drown Jeff Bezos in a vat of Twinkie fat or how I lock him in the elevator with The Bad Touch Interns whenever he comes to pay a visit. Or it could be that time I…
I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t being a bully, bad?” Unsurprisingly, you are once again wrong. Bullying people prepares them for the harsh realities of the outside world. You’re doing them a favor by teaching them that there is no place that is safe, that there is nowhere to hide, and that there is nowhere…
Last we left my final week in retail, the registers failed, the guns were down, the intercom system only half worked and some guy named John was trying to figure out where the water was coming in. I changed the names to protect the terminally stupid and honestly forgot who John was supposed to be. …
As you are already aware, I did a six-year stint as an undercover operative in a menial job. This was by choice, as I thought I could do a lot of damage in a short period of time. Needless to say I did. Retail was flying high when I started and now all the companies…
THE BELLY IS FAT THE TUTU STRETCHES TO FIT I CANT STOP EATING
My schedule isn’t necessarily busy enough to warrant it, but it’s nice to not have to think about where to fit in the various necessities of life. I used to keep my own schedule but I would plan then re-plan my day so often that the eraser would eventually go right through the page. My…
New year, new look? Unfortunately, yes. Two months ago, I went through the trauma of losing the Contempt WordPress theme. I eventually found a new theme that was very much in my wheelhouse: Big Brother. But, I hadn’t received an update in two months, and a niggling little part of me wanted to know why. …
I happened across a blog post in the WordPress Reader titled I Joined The Illuminati?! and I feel the need to clarify for this poor person (and everyone else) what their status with the Illuminati really is. I guess I could have done this in a reply or something but I need to write something…
As I look around the office, all I see are people with their heads down on their desks, groaning at the slightest noise. But today, on the mother of all hangover days, they’re also losing their breakfast every fifteen minutes. It’s a chorus of yak. You’d think that being all-knowing and all-powerful would mean that…
With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama. Now without further adieu… Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can…