Elf on the Shelf is controversial for sure, but not for the reasons you think. Sure, it’s got the rouged up cheeks and bright red lips of a daytime hooker on the prowl. Sure, it’s got the big blue-eyed sideways glance of a dog who has seen too much. And perhaps it has. Don’t get…
Too many people focus on the story about misfits having something important to give back to society. Don’t. It’s all a lie. Being weird is not some kind of badge of honor. Being special only makes you annoying. And having a giant glowing tumor mounted on the end of your snout that whistles of its…
I’m trying my hand at click-bait titles today. PRAISE ME. Anyway, I was hopping around Amazon for no other reason than to look for terrible awesome gifts to give my anemic, vegan minions and I found a product that simply makes my black little heart soar like a hamster tied to a helium balloon. SLOTDOG…
You spend 16 hours a day at work, so you should be comfortable. Whether it offends someone else’s sensibilities doesn’t matter. They’re not in your skin. They don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and see…that…every day. Whether you like to attend important meetings in club-wear or your team’s bowling outfit shouldn’t…
Not the exercise, we’ve already covered how horrible exercise that is. No, I’m talking about cross-training at work. It’s annoying and accomplishes nothing. Look, when I take an intern who knows nothing about feeding The Wolverpus and have him feed The Wolverpus, do you know what happens? Right. Chewed beyond recognition. All that time I…
I’m honestly really tired of other sites giving you all these healthy living tips that were not sanctioned by my organization. They should honestly know better considering that I’m the one to determine the drug ratios in their water supply. Well, they don’t necessarily know about that. Especially what I’ve done to their bottled water. …
There are a lot of books and websites out there giving you tips on how to be productive. Give those assholes two stiff middle fingers and only pay attention to my advice.
We get a lot of applications for employment here. It’s a very cushy job. You don’t even have to have a sense of morality. So, I feel the need to tell you that we pre-screen applications based on your Facebook behavior. We have a whole department dedicated to it. I told them to forward me…
Black Friday might be a huge shopping day for you, or maybe you stay in. For us? We sit back and watch society devolve all on its own. It’s the only day where we shut down our main office and hold viewing parties for bad behavior that you can’t even blame on us. Okay, that’s…
Jens over at FreeDumb of Expression brought up some good points regarding Santa, so I decided that it’s time I reveal Christmas for what it is: an Illuminati plot to make a good part of your year completely unbearable. Or at least to those who celebrate Christmas. Don’t worry, we’re going after Hanukkah next. You…