Wait…you didn’t think McCain was safe, did you?

For those of you who thought that McCain would be safe once we admitted to having Obama in our clutches, you were wrong.  As usual.  We left plenty of signs such as voting with Bush (who we already “control”) over 90% of the time, and that whole “Old McCain”, “New McCain” business.  When will you learn?

McCain is Technologically Deficient

Being a member of my organization requires an expansive working knowledge of technology.  Now, if you think that McCain cannot possibly be an Illuminati if he can’t use a computer, you are absolutely right.  For once. McCain is not a member.  He belongs to a militant division of the Care Bear rebel faction, and as you may already know, Care Bears emit EMF radiation which renders surrounding equipment inoperable.  Thankfully, we were able to graft shielding technology into his holographic human suit so that he doesn’t knock out microphones, cameras, cell phones, etc.  This still means that he can’t use a computer, even in his human suit, because his “fingers” are still paws and as such, cannot type.  As to the rumors about being unable to drive a car…well, Care Bears love to drive cars.  Fast.  So fast in fact, that there is a sonic boom.  This would prove to be suspicious, so his contract with us dictates that he is not allowed to drive for as long as he is in the public spotlight.  Maybe we’ll let him run over some American Idol contestants after all is said and done.

Kick Butt, Monkey Nut

Anyone familiar with Care Bears knows that they are all castrated at birth and the subsequent scarring is covered up by the decorative pictures on their tummies.  There is much resentment over these belly badges and the humiliation they represent.  The rebels have since figured out a way to reconstruct their fun bits using spare primate parts.  McCain was one of the first to receive the surgery then proceeded to spend years making rude gestures to and otherwise harassing Strawberry Shortcake.  She obtained a restraining order in 1990 and is currently shacked up with an unnamed Popple somewhere in New Jersey.  McCain took a lesson from that debacle by bottling up his urges.  But as he’s now realizing, there are some unfortunate side-effects to his solution.  Namely, the “Monkey Nut Rage,” which has been covered by traditional news outlets as “anger issues”.

So Old, Dirt Calls Him Grandpa?

One could easily argue that John McCain is old.  Yeah, I think we all get that.  But there have been rumors that say that was born in the 19th or 20th century.  That is absolutely false.  No Care Bears were born in the 19th or 20th century.  In fact, no Care Bears have been born for at least six thousand years, due to the above-mentioned castrations and any new Care Bears you see have been the result of cloning.  Which also explains the Crayola colors.  So, McCain was not born on August 29, 1936, he was merely brought to consciousness on that date.  Which does at least make him old enough for some dirt to call him Grandpa.

Yeah, it’s true…Obama works for us.

With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama.  Now without further adieu…

Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii

After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can assure you that he was not born in Hawaii.  Yeah, I totally forged that certificate.  On my coffee break.  You people are so gullible.  Truth of the matter is that Obama was born on Amalthea, which is the third moon of Jupiter.  This is very important to those who actually give a damn because Amalthea is the traditional birthing ground of the royal family of shape shifting lizards.  Now, Obama is not a member of the royal family.  Well, not officially.  You know how well those royals keep their nondescript reproductive organs to themselves.  Yes!  That’s right!  Obama is the bastard love-child of George Bush and the Queen of England!  Don’t deny it.  You know in your heart that it’s the truth.

Obama’s Aversion to the Pledge of Allegiance

First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance is not really about patriotism at all.  It’s a promise to give your immortal soul to an inanimate object.  Agents of the Illuminati cannot pledge their immortal soul to inanimate objects, Pamela Anderson, or corn dogs.  If we attempt to do so, we’ll dissolve in to a puddle of goo resembling Marlon Brando.  Therefore, any images or movies you see of Obama reciting the Pledge with hand over heart is a total fabrication – and easily duplicated using mirrors, lasers, and a tuna fish sandwich – with extra mayonnaise.  The mayonnaise is important for pliability.

Obama’s Infamous Limo Ride

Did Obama really coke up and engage in sexual relations with that limo driver on YouTube?  First of all…c’mon, a limo driver?  Coke?  This is a prized Illuminati agent and he has access to way better drugs and far better looking sexual partners.  Unlimited access.  Heck, he can still pick a coked up toothless limo driver if that’s where he wants to put his jollies.  But I can assure you that if he did pick such a partner, there is no way we’d let the guy live long enough to post his lame-ass story on YouTube, much less file a lawsuit.

Obama’s Going to Tax Water

This is just ridiculous.  Shape-shifting lizards wouldn’t tax water.  The shape-shifting process is extremely drying and Lubriderm simply does not work as advertised.  So, taxing water would not be a good idea for the shape-shifting lizard population of the world.  But, taxing air, bodily secretions, hookers, and M&Ms…all fair game.  And don’t think he won’t tax M&Ms either.  He hates them, what with their prancing around in their animated arms and legs, corruping todays youth with seductive lines like “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”  He simply must tax them before they figure out how to make porn and the echos of hard-coated candy shells clacking together are heard throughout the country.

There are of course many more rumors, none of which I will bother to address.  Mostly because I just don’t care enough…ah, there I go again – lying.  I’ve got to go swear in some interns.  With bottle rockets filled with acid.  This is going to be fun.

Realtor-Bots: The Cluster Bunny Continues…

In the beginning, there was land.  And on that land there stood shelter.  And lo the occupant of that shelter shouted to the heavens, “I covet a bigger shelter.”  And the heavens responded by sending unto the people a special kind of unholy being.  A Realtor.

Okay, so that’s not quite how it happened.  But one could assume it did, what with all the fantastic strides R&D have made in manufacturing Realtor-bots.  I mean, it’s almost impossible to tell the difference between most Realtors and a Realtor-bot.  But, since our bots have certainly done their part to cause the housing market bubble to burst which has set off a chain reaction of part economic meltdown and part government bailouts, it’s time to release some important information.  And since we’re still drunk from all the celebrations, we’re going to do it Jeff Foxworthy style.

You might be a Realtor-bot if you are a Realtor AND …

  • you constantly complain about either not making any money or never having any money…right before you buy the bar a round.
  • you have more than two gym memberships, but can’t even remember where the gym is located.  And you won’t cancel the memberships because you might use them “one day.”
  • you tell someone one thing, but write down something entirely different and can’t see the inconsistency.
  • your employment history consists of low-paying jobs that didn’t last for more than six months.  But that doesn’t demonstrate an inability to keep a job…just that all those employers were too demanding and irrational.
  • you cop an attitude when someone says to you “I need…”
  • you are incapable of following rules or written directions.
  • you must be continually reminded of things people told you.
  • you get extra snarky when someone points out any flaws in your logic.
  • you whine about being too busy to do mundane tasks that everyone else manages to do, but insist on performing archaic and time-consuming rituals for no apparent reason.
  • you argue that condoms are a business expense.
  • you can come up with any excuse imaginable to get away with not paying bills for as long as possible.
  • when someone asks you for something, you send them everything but what they requested and insist that you got them what they asked for.
  • you have to be the center of attention, barring the existence of other bots (competition) in the same room.
  • you enjoy carrying on cell phone conversations – loudly – so everyone knows what a big shot you are.
  • you expect immediate results and are appalled that everyone cannot live up to those expectations.
  • you often go to Borders to just buy coffee.
  • on the rare occasion that you actually purchase a book, the topic is about how to get rich.
  • you purchase apartment buildings with the hope to have residual income, but because being a landlord is not as easy as it looks on TV, you don’t even collect enough in rent each month to pay the mortgage.
  • your girlfriend (or boyfriend) enjoys telling everyone how smart you are.
  • you agree with your girlfriend (or boyfriend) and understand that your brilliance qualifies you to give legal, accounting, and nutritional advice far better than the experts in those fields who went to school for it.

Thankfully, the Realtor-bots have been a bit difficult to identify thanks to the abundance of incompetent, spoiled, money-hungry people thinking that becoming a real estate agent is their saving grace.  And of course, we give props to those who were truly born to be a real estate agent and do exceptionally well at their chosen profession.  But as those are few and far between, we delight in what a cluster bunny the entire industry is.

So, while I polish off another keg, I leave you with this one thought: The problem with creating a bot that cannot follow directions is that they will frequently fall out of protocol, and as a result they go completely rogue and do not become Realtors.  So take a good long look at your bookkeeper, office support person, waitress, or medical transcriptionist and ask him or her whether they’ve ever considered a career in real estate.