Top 5 Illuminati Productivity Tips

There are a lot of books and websites out there giving you tips on how to be productive. Give those assholes two stiff middle fingers and only pay attention to my advice.

To Do Lists Can’t Control You

Have you seen these things? They’re amazing. You write down everything that needs to be done and then…I don’t know…you tell someone else to do it? That’s what I do. But I understand that not everyone has the ability to delegate an entire workday, so you should do what my peons do.

First up, don’t listen to other sites that tell you to do all the easy things first, or tell you to do one hard thing and a bunch of easy things. That wastes valuable time by doing things like reviewing the whole list and triaging by difficulty. Ugh. Animals. And then the list is dictating your entire day to you before you’ve even started. Besides, your brain love surprises, so give it what it wants. Just close your eyes and point to an item on your list, then do it. After, if you feel like it, point to another item and do that, too. Don’t like what you pointed to? Try again. But no more than like, three times, otherwise you’re ruining your productivity.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: But what about deadlines? Fuck deadlines. So what if you forget the little things, like picking up the kids at school. They’ll figure out a way to get home on their own. They’re a lot smarter than they let on. Got an important deadline? It’s called a “forced extension.” That’s when you don’t bother to ask for additional time, you demand it by missing the deadline. Besides, if it’s that important, someone else will do it for you.

Alternatively, if you have a boss who places emphasis on actually making your goals, then your list will need to have due dates which you will then use to filter the list so you can do your random selection with relative ease. This, unfortunately, affects your ability to be productive, so you might want to think about getting a new boss.

Email is Your Enemy

Did you know that average office worker gets about 120 emails a day? No one has time to deal with all that! So, right when you get into the office, deal with the morning influx using the following procedure:

  • Delete every third email. These were somehow lost by the mail server. Looks like IT has a little problem to troubleshoot.
  • Reply to every other email with “Looks great, [receipient name].” Remember to use the recipient’s name, moron.
  • Reply to the remaining emails with “I think there are some areas that need improvement. Partner with [random co-worker’s name] and get back to me with solutions.”

Don’t bother reading any of them before deciding what to do. It’s really not worth it.

That wraps up the morning influx. For the rest of the day, you’ll need to use the Illuminati Magic Eye Ball, on sale for only $666.69. You’ll get amazing email response templates like:

  • This isn’t my problem, Eric.  Fucking deal with it.
  • Pull your head out of your ass and do your job.
  • If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were looking to be fired.
  • This is why Sharon got that promotion instead of you.
  • This is why you got that demotion instead of Sharon.
  • Paycuts are coming!
  • Are you wearing the same shirt as yesterday?
  • I didn’t tell you so I could do it myself.

You can use a regular Magic 8 Ball instead, but you’ll need to get a bit creative in wording your responses unless you want to get hauled off to the funny farm. And you lose the ability to be awesome.

Meetings Should Always Run Over

Other places will tell you that meetings need to have time limits. I call bullshit. The best meetings are the ones that organically come to a close. About 50% of meetings are just socializing. So, if you only set aside one hour, then you’ve got 30 minutes to cram stuff into or risk having to schedule another meeting to finish everything. That’s unrealistic and unproductive. Additionally, agendas are awful. Someone has to waste time writing one up and then some douche-lord has to distribute the agenda and incessantly keep people on track. See how much time is wasted trying to control things?

Take it from me: The most productive meetings are mine. I start by commandeering a conference room and throwing out anyone who may already be in there. I prefer the one on the 42nd floor since the air conditioning control for the whole floor is in there so you can be assured that the room is always just the right temp – no matter how crowded it gets. An added bonus is that if the room is already occupied, then there are usually pastry and coffee left behind. Yum! Then I write down three things we need to accomplish on the big whiteboard (not an agenda) and make the announcement that there’s a meeting in 30 seconds. If you have properly intimidated your staff, like I have, they’ll drop whatever they’re doing to attend.

And that’s important. You want them anxious to get back to what they had to leave half-done. Once everyone gets there, tell them that no one leaves the room until the things on the board are accomplished. Then sit by the door to make sure no one leaves until the meeting is over. I recommend Angry Birds or Fruit Ninja to pass the time. All this guarantees that meetings that normally last an hour will only take 20 minutes and no one will be in the mood for chit-chat. Of course, if the meeting runs longer than that, then it needed to.

Distractions Don’t Really Distract

They all say to limit your distractions. I can’t even. Distractions refresh your brain! How many times have you seen a TV character have an epiphany? They almost never have it when actually working on the problem. Hell, the whole concept of “sleeping on it” is just recommending that you distract your brain for a few hours. Anything that gets you thinking about something else for a few minutes…or hours…isn’t bad at all.

So, you’ll find the most productive people are sitting at their computers watching cat videos instead of working because when they start working again, they’ll solve problems at least five times faster than before. Certainly more than the person watching someone watch cat videos. Why? Not enough distraction. See, if you’re watching someone watch cat videos, you’re thinking about their productivity, which makes you think about yours, which automatically makes you less productive. Jeez, you’d be better off reorganizing your to-do list by difficulty and coming up a with a gameplan of which to pick and how many to pick each day for the rest of your life.

Reading About Productivity Is Stupid

The self-help market is astoundingly large. Everyone wants to be a better person, but would rather read about how instead of actually doing it. How much time have you spent reading about how to be productive and how much more productive are you for it? Be honest. You haven’t made considerable improvements. Sure, you took one or two tips, but we both know that it lasted a month and then you were back to getting nothing done. But I’m sure that every time you see a productivity article you can’t help but click on it. Depending on how much of this shit you’ve tried to feed your brain, you’ve probably read all the tips anyway. They’re just regurgitating each other’s regurgitation now. So how productive is it to read about becoming more productive. None at all.

Glad I wasted your time.


Your Facebook Statuses Make You A Shitty Hire

We get a lot of applications for employment here.  It’s a very cushy job.  You don’t even have to have a sense of morality.  So, I feel the need to tell you that we pre-screen applications based on your Facebook behavior.  We have a whole department dedicated to it.  I told them to forward me a list of behavior they look for and whether or not we’re interested. I don’t exactly know why and they offered no explanation beyond a shrug.  I know who’s getting urine in their coffee tomorrow!

The “Good Christian” Self-Complimenter

You’re actually a terrible person who tries very hard to convince others that you’re a good person.  You use the bible as a shield against anyone who calls you on your shit.  Remember, a Good Christian doesn’t need to advertise.  You also tend to act like you’re better than everyone else, which would be fine but you have no foundation for it except a book.  You need to back your shit up with actual results.

Strong Women Cry When Alone

You’re a raging bitch who frequently gets verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive with those around you.  They know you’re a raging bitch and have had enough of it.  So you post stuff like this so they think that you are capable of being sad or hurt. Truth is that the only thing that hurts you is losing your punching bags.  Welcome to round two of the screening process.

Strong, Independent Woman

If you ever sat down and looked at your life, you’d notice that you’re honestly never without a man.  They’re like perpetual band-aids.  I’m not talking about being in a series of healthy relationships.  I mean, you absolutely cannot function alone and will settle for anything that will have you. Whether the man in your life is your son, cousin, husband, neighbor’s husband, brother or some guy you met on a dating app, it doesn’t even matter.  You will hop from one man to the next in quick succession.  You’re not always in a relationship with them either!  Sometimes, you’ve found, you can con a guy into doing guy things for you without even the promise of sex. And when you’re in a dry spell, you whine at your female friends until they fix their problems for you or let you borrow their significant others for your guy things.

We actually don’t need anyone like you, so don’t come looking here for work.  Our guys have enough to do without you ruining their productivity by making them do your job too. Besides, they’re already doing my job.


You have a hard time keeping a girlfriend and no one can figure out how you keep getting them to begin with.  Your breakup statuses are insanely amusing, littered with insults like “slut” and “whore.”  Insults which you gladly sling at any woman who dares defend herself or another woman to you.  You also try to control the other women in your life, going as far as to tell them what they wear, who they date and going off into a rage when they act like actual human beings and not your personal property.

We actually have no place for you here.  We’ve evolved.  The last thing I need is to find you duct-taped under an overpass – not working – because you called a woman a slut for wearing a three-piece suit.  Or the smell.  We don’t need the smell.  I mean, basic hygiene is not gay so don’t just let the water cascade over you in the shower, scrub your junk like a man.

Loving Your Children

We get it.  You incubated a parasite for nine months and shot it out between your thighs. You’re kind of attached to it.  It also makes you a huge liability.  Those things incubate the plague, they fuck up everything nice and they ensure that your priorities will always be elsewhere.  Breeding is only a marketable skill for certain departments and we’re a bit overstocked at the moment.

Loving Your Pets

You spend far too much time talking about and posting pictures of your pets.  I can’t even imagine hiring someone like you when we have a whole internet of people doing exactly that for free.

That being said, keep it up.  Watching baby animals fall asleep is literally my entire workday on Fridays.

Non-Stop Selfies

You really like the way you look, and you especially love to hear anything that affirms this opinion. You likely post the “I’m ugly!” selfies then masturbate to the compliments.  You’re seriously high maintenance and most of your Facebook friends have actually blocked your status updates.  They’ll stay friends with you in case something important comes up, but like in real life, they pretty much avoid interacting with you.

Your only marketable skill is taking a picture of yourself, which literally no one actually needs.  Eventually, you will stop being pretty and if it doesn’t happen naturally with time, I will personally come to your house and wrinkle the ever-loving shit out of your face.  Your friends will unblock you at this point, since watching deluded ugly people take selfies in the hope of getting lots of genuine compliments is like watching a fifty-car pileup.

Consistent Vaguebooking

You honestly believe that creating a false sense of drama ferrets out who your real friends are.  Truth is that you’re a self-important jackass.  No one actually cares and the people who fall for this shit more than three times are just bored.  Everyone else just rolls their eyes and scrolls past because videos of making spinach cups are infinitely more entertaining than whatever manufactured drama you’ve come up with.  And plot-twisting those posts isn’t going to endear you to anyone or make anyone but you laugh.

We have actual people who are already quite talented at annoying others.  They understand plot structure, twists, and timing.  They know when to be vague and overly dramatic.  You do not.  You have literally one trick and you wore it out two days before you were born.  If on the other hand, you would like to jump through the same hoop for twelve hours a day, I’m sure we can find a place for you.

Black Friday Illuminati Drinking Game

Black Friday might be a huge shopping day for you, or maybe you stay in.  For us? We sit back and watch society devolve all on its own.  It’s the only day where we shut down our main office and hold viewing parties for bad behavior that you can’t even blame on us. Okay, that’s not true.  We have a hand in those “deals” that are advertised and the hours that the stores stay open, but that’s it, I swear.  The rest of the nightmare is all yours, guys.

Like I said, we have viewing parties.  We open up a massive part of the Snowflake Web to our employees and allow them to sign up to stream specific feeds.  This year, thanks to my amazing abilities to impale the lesser Geek-dom on basketballs, I have secured the feed for one of the largest department stores in the country. If anyone recalls the viewing parties from prior years, the most choice feeds were held back for “research purposes.”  My superior sleuthing skills, coupled with my aforementioned impaling abilities uncovered a conspiracy within a conspiracy.  There was no “research” going on!  They were hoarding the footage in the sub-basement and laughing their asses off at those of us stuck with the boring stuff.  And they weren’t even watching it – they were watching us watching the monotony of the local K-Mart.

So, in celebration of guaranteed entertainment, I have started a drinking game.  Play along at home if you’ve got access to the Snowflake Web.

You shall drink if:

  • Someone is blasting Christmas music on their cellphone, despite the store also playing Christmas music at the same time.
  • Someone is Skyping while wandering around without regard to nearby shoppers.
  • A customer sends a store employee into a stock room to find something and then knocks on the door every ten seconds to see if the employee found it yet.
  • A store employee looks like they might just slit their wrists right at the register.
  • A customer parks a triple stroller right in the middle of an intersection between several busy walkways and effectively blocks all traffic.  The reason matters not.
  • The store plays the same song three times in a row, even if the song is by different artists.
  • Someone gets huffy at the register despite having just arrived and being next in line.
  • A customer gets angry because the prices don’t match their sales flyer from last year’s Black Friday.
  • A customer gets angry because the store doesn’t carry a brand that ceased to exist fifteen years ago.
  • An in-store traffic jam causes an elderly woman to launch into a full-blown temper tantrum.
  • A toddler has a meltdown because someone’s stellar parenting skills have kept that kid awake for the past 16 hours.  Bonus drink if the same stellar parent yells at the kid for having a meltdown.
  • A customer completely destroys a table of folded anything. Shirts, towels, pants.  It doesn’t even matter.  It was folded nicely before they opened and now it’s a volcano of crap.
  • A customer drags an employee around for longer than 15 minutes asking, “How much is this?”  for just about everything in sight.  Additional bonus drinks for every 30 minutes that this continues.
  • Someone threatens to throw a trash can through the window of a store whose doors are already unlocked and open.
  • Citing the need to “check and make sure everything is there,” a customer removes the product from each box in a display…and then decides not to purchase any of it.

There’s no drinking for actual violence.  You’d black out before an hour into the viewing party.  Also, I’m making Virgin Heart guacamole.  It’s a new recipe so feedback is welcome.

I got a menial job, you guys!

And then I quit.  There was about six years worth of stuff in-between.

So anyway, I got me a domain name.  That’s right, kids!  No more free WordPress hosting for the Illuminati.  We’ve gone professional and shit. Unfortunately, this makes me more visible to people like you…but that’s just a reality I’ll have to learn to live with.  Or I can be an adult and just take it out on you.

So as I was installing WordPress onto the new site, I decided to prep for any plugins and whatnot so I can bring the site up-to-speed faster.  I’m either very efficient or very impatient.  The first place I went was to my theme, Contempt, which was chosen specifically for the way I feel most of the time….

YOU CAN’T RETIRE CONTEMPT.  It doesn’t move to a nice quiet community in Florida (::shudder::) where it lives out its days in relative peace.  It parks its butt on your front lawn, pisses on the grass, scares the neighbor’s dog, harasses the trick-or-treaters and festers into a bleeding ulcer that spontaneously gushes out every orifice three times a week.

Again, you cannot retire contempt.  Who the hell do they think they are?

But that didn’t change my problem.  My theme is gone.  Forever lost in the annals of the internet.  Only to ever be visible on the Wayback Machine.  ::sniff::

Devastated, I clicked the “See All Themes” button to search for a new one while I installed the software on my shiny new hosting service.  And there it was!  Contempt!  Only it was masquerading as something called “Big Brother.”  It was perfect.  Looked just like my old theme, only this time I was getting an Orson Welles reference.

By this time, my installation had finished so it was time to install the theme on the new site.  For those of you in the dark ages, WordPress allows you to search for and install new themes with a click of a button right from within your installation.  It’s handy and great for lazy people like me.  Problem is that no matter how many ways I searched for it, it just wasn’t there.  Tricky little bastard.

So, like I had to download it to my super-special Illuminati computer and then upload it to my new installation like some kind of ANIMAL.  How dare they assume I have opposable thumbs!  Even if the assumption is accurate!

And here you are.  Ready to be tortured anew.  And here I am, dreading having to create a new header design.  Be prepare to be disappointed.