Workplace Bullying in Five Easy Steps

I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t being a bully, bad?” Unsurprisingly, you are once again wrong. Bullying people prepares them for the harsh realities of the outside world. You’re doing them a favor by teaching them that there is no place that is safe, that there is nowhere to hide, and that there is nowhere to run. They’ll thank you later.

Now, proper bullying isn’t just about being a raging bitch to your coworkers. No, it’s the systematic destruction of the very system itself. It’s about burning the place to the ground without ever lighting a match.

1. Create a Bubble of Invincibility

You need a good foundation for that bubble, so get hired someplace that’s desperate for help. Not desperate for good help, just desperate for any help. It’s not hard. There’s always some industry that’s hurting.

Then, you need to make sure that you have the time you need to accomplish your goals. Instead of planning your time so you can be more effective, which is a waste, you should be familiarizing yourself with the rules. You need to know where the envelope is so you can push it, after all. Additionally, studying the rules and the steps the authority might take to reprimand you will shield you from any repercussions will allow you to toe the line between getting fired and simply being kind of a shitty hire. Also be on the lookout for which people have a right to reprimand you. If your immediate supervisor actually has no way to deal with your issues, then you’re golden for far longer than should be possible.

But don’t think that just studying a rulebook can turn you into a demi-god. No, you’ll also have to pretend to be a model employee. Be the absolute best you can be…for six months to a year. This instills a cloud of disbelief over any of your activities and will allow you to study your coworkers.

2. Undermine Authority

Once you’ve situated yourself as the best person they could have ever possibly hired, it’s time to sow seeds of insubordination. Start by letting new co-workers know that the company is so desperate for help that it’s pretty impossible to get fired for anything that can’t be proven objectively. So, it’s okay to fall asleep in the stock room if there was only one witness and no security footage.

Then move onto letting the new co-workers know that there’s nothing that their supervisor can do to them. Nothing at all. And if the supervisor tries to get his boss to deal with you, the name of the game is “Deny, deny, deny.” I remember one guy had complaints put against him by three toothless supervisors. When their boss talked to him about the issues, he claimed that those supervisors never discussed the problems with him. Since they’re not allowed to document verbal reprimands, they couldn’t prove otherwise. The boss had to retract the complaint and nothing was ever done. This guy was brilliant.

The epitome of middle management: You need to smack sense into someone but the rules say you can only issue empty threats.

Eventually, all the new employees will be onboard with your little mutiny. At that point, they’ll start telling all the other peons who have been there for years. You’ll suddenly be looking at dozens of people who were once great employees reduced to being no better than you. Fantastic!

3. Pick Your First Target

This is not easy as it seems. Since one of your goals is to do this for as long as possible, you can’t pick someone who is lower in the corporate food chain. Bullying gets noticed faster when you’re the one with some authority. If you’re the bottom rung of the organization, you cannot pick someone with less seniority or someone noticeably younger or older than you. Again, you’d be the one with authority in this situation.

I prefer to go after people who are slightly higher than me in the pecking order. Maybe some kind of overachiever or spaz who looks like she’s about to piss herself over a deck of…are those cards?

That broad right in the middle is asking for it.

She looks ever-so-slightly emotionally unstable. People like her only take a few pokes and prods to get the ball rolling. Let’s call her Sheila.

4. Attack

So you’ve picked your target and found a way to shield yourself from repercussions. You’ve also been working there for a while and know how to destroy any given target. It’s time.

Has Sheila been doing her job for a number of years? Well, wait until she has a bad week and then “helpfully” lecture her on how to do her job until she has a little blow-up and storms off. At this point, push it just a little farther by reporting to your boss that she yelled at you. I guarantee, Sheila will be spoken to about her behavior but you won’t. You were only trying to help, after all.

From here on in, it’ll be easy to keep poking Sheila like an angry bear. Any complaint she has against you will seem retaliatory at this point so your latitude is wide.

Does Sheila look like she’s having a good day? Be sure to tell her five minutes before her shift ends all the things she screwed up in the last six months. Now’s a good time to exaggerate.

It only takes a little push to wipe a grin off someone’s face.

Don’t forget there are other ways to make Sheila miserable. If she’s spent an entire day re-organizing the stock room, just get up in there when her back is turned and do your own rearranging. When she confronts you, announce loud enough for several people to hear: “I couldn’t find anything in there with the way you did it.” It will embarrass Sheila and make her look incompetent. If any of your coworkers approach you about how Sheila’s been having a hard time lately, get them to start repeating the mantra “She does it to herself.”

5. Repeat Steps 3-4

They’ll eventually catch wise and fire you. If you see it coming, just rage quit.


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