An Appreciation of the Colbert Affair

The Illuminati would like to take this opportunity to thank Stephen Colbert for being such a wonderful and loyal servant to the organization. Many years ago, Stephen contacted HQ and expressed a deep desire to belittle and control people. Naturally, this piqued our interest and we decided to see just how serious he was about all this.

First order of business was to send him down to the basement to feed the Wolverpus.  This really shows the true measure of a person.  Those authorized to bear witness to the indoctrination escorted a very young and excited Colbert to the door of the Wolverpus’ lair.  When he heard the deep, menacing growl from beyond the door, he began to protest against our initiation procedures.  Poor Stephen didn’t realize that we don’t have initiation procedures.  We make it up as we go along… and we get bored easily.  Stephen picked up on that last bit pretty quickly because we opened the door and shoved him through before he could even get the first sentence out of his mouth.

We eagerly pressed our ears to the door, hoping to hear him crying in agony.  And we were not displeased as he whimpered and begged for a full five minutes before silence overtook the room.  Being the only person the Wolverpus won’t tear limb from limb, I entered the lair to check on our little buddy.  Oddly enough, I found them both in the corner playing pat-a-cake and enjoying a nice cold beer.  Colbert was in relatively good condition, with only a few minor gashes.

While neither the Wolverpus nor Stephen will tell us what transpired, we do know that the Wolverpus now refers to him as “Sparkles”, and that Stephen refers to the Wolverpus as “Spanky.” So, we were impressed that Sparkles managed to befriend Spanky, especially since Spanky doesn’t usually name his food.

Since it’s been centuries since anyone’s made it past the Wolverpus, we were a little hard-pressed to think of a second phase of the initiation.  We thought about pushing him down an elevator shaft and deducting points for each bone broken, but the Wolverpus almost threw a hissy-fit.

Stephen Proudly Shows Off His Official Tattoo
Sparkles Proudly Shows Off His Official Tattoo

So, at the Wolverpus’ behest, Sparkles was sworn in immediately and sent to the cafeteria to receive his official tattoo.

But anyway, he has been quite the loyal minion.  Through his show, he has managed to misinform, misdirect, and control the general public – and they are not only perfectly aware of this – they cheer him on!

At some point, Stephen, you will have to explain to your loyal followers that you’ve been unable to successfully grow a penis since that little accident with the pizza delivery boy last year, that you’re in love with Xenu, and that those golden eggs can be gotten from the vending machine in the lobby.  Stop sticking your arm in there.  That’s disgusting.

So congrats, Stephen.  Eventually, you may be able to earn a lifetime achievement award…but it’s highly unlikely since we only give those out to rotting corpses and we plan on keeping you around for an incredibly long time.

Vince Tries to Slap Chop It Up to Me

Those who pay any kind of attention while fast-forwarding through commercials have seen our evil little leprechaun hocking a new product.  Quite clearly, the Slap Chop is an attempt to gain favor with the Illuminati.  Now, we’ve decided not to make a decision about this based on my present mood, since doing so would most certainly see Vince get dragged behind an incontinent werewolf on a warm winter morning.  Instead, we’re going to put him on a point system and for shits and giggles, he gets to start today’s review at -666.  On with the crucifixion!

Hiding Illuminati Favors

As was pointed out in our investigation, Vince made a spectacle of his gigantic freaking hands.  Even we have to admit he’s done a better job of covering it up this time around.  Either he’s trying to make up for his blunder, or all that stuff we’ve been putting in Camera Guy’s coffee has been paying off.  At the very least its fun watching him trying to snap Vince on the ass with a wet shammy.  Did you know that Vince shrieks like a little girl?  Of course, you don’t because he doesn’t.  He shrieks like a hyena with its nuts in a vice.

+50  And I’m being charitable considering that Camera Guy did the real work here.

“You’re gonna love my nuts!”

While we’re on the topic of nuts, it’s important that we bring this up.  Vince proudly declares that we’re going to love his nuts.  Not quite, Vince.  I’ve seen your nuts, and I’m not entirely sure I even like them.  They had an attitude with me and called me names behind my back.  You can imagine how overjoyed I was when I discovered that you were going to chop your own nuts, and how utterly disappointed I was when they weren’t the nuts I was hoping for.

+600 for grossing out America by making them think of your jingle-jangles
-250 for allowing me to think that you were bold enough to dismember yourself four hundred times an hour for my entertainment
+99 for saying “You’re gonna love my nuts!” with a straight face
-150 for not following up with “Slap Chop whatever pops up!”

Less Clones

I lambasted Vincy last time for being careless with the clones we gave him, so we stopped giving him any clones.  Now Vince has to do all this marketing all by himself, meanwhile, Billy Mays just placed an order for another 4000.   We’re thoroughly impressed that Vince is managing to still make a riveting commercial despite the lack of extra help.

+60 We’d be more impressed if he hadn’t used his clone privileges to go all completely frickin’ spastic with Sham Wow.

Clever Editing

Someone on Vince’s team has made great efforts to mask the ineffectiveness of the product.  Notice how you never see the whole device while it’s chopping anything.  You see the top part of the device when a hand hits it, or the bottom part when something is being chopped – but you never get to see the whole story.  Well, not exactly.  We do see the whole picture when we’re supposedly chopping Vince’s nuts, but he manages to weasel in using the Slap Chop cover to prevent us from seeing what he’s chopping – if anything.

+75 For making it less obvious that the product isn’t as fabulous as you’d like everyone to believe
-246 For not actually chopping anyone’s nuts
-692 Because I used the Slap Chop before it was called the Slap Chop and it ruined my aim so badly that at least 32 interns narrowly escaped from flying cups of scalding hot coffee.  Bad, Vince, bad.

Slap Chop & Graty at the Wedding
Slap Chop & Graty

Finding R2-D2

That’s right.  Vince found out where R2-D2 has been hiding.  Look to your right and say hello to what R2 would look like if he dressed up as a glorified waste receptacle for Halloween.  Long gone are the days where he would bail someone ass out of a bind, now he just grates cheese.   He’s also ditched his tall, shiny, effeminate friend and has met an intriguing apparatus that strips down on command and spreads like a butterfly.  And what guy doesn’t dream of meeting someone like that?

+62 Because we didn’t really care to find him.


Oh, cruel fate.  -666.  You’re back where you started Vince.  Try again.