Stuff Amazon Won’t Let Me Return

Amazon and I have a sordid history. It may have something to do with that time I tried to drown Jeff Bezos in a vat of Twinkie fat or how I lock him in the elevator with The Bad Touch Interns whenever he comes to pay a visit. Or it could be that time I almost castrated him with an ice cream scoop. Not my fault. I swear.

But I was so close.

That vindictive little fucker has decided to seek revenge for what anyone else would consider minor slights. For the past month, he has used his company to wage a war on my Prime account. It’s harassment! I have a right to return stuff, just like anyone else! To demonstrate how unfair this is, let me tell you about the stuff that has been rejected this week alone.

Army of Alpacas

We’ve been having a little emu problem in the neighborhood lately. I don’t much appreciate waking up every morning to find them camped out in my living room, playing Call of Duty. So, I thought that a bunch of alpacas trained in the ancient art of “Beating the crap out of emus” would work.

I was disappointed when they arrived. They could not follow directions and the smell…I mean, it was like they died. I tried to return them immediately, but Amazon Customer Service denied my request saying that I must have killed them after they arrived. Utter lies. They were like that when they got here.  I also find it very telling that they no longer have a trace of this item anywhere on their site.

A Reamer

This is a kitchen gadget?

I want to make myself perfectly clear on this. I thought this was something completely different when I ordered it.  But, it looked like a lot of fun for me and not so much fun for whoever I used it on.  It was the whole point.  And OXO is a really good brand.

Anyway, while I was delicately working it into a friend of mine, the tip broke off.  Just the tip.  We still haven’t found it, but this guy is in a lot of pain so I think it’s still in there somewhere.   But again, Customer Service wouldn’t do anything about it. Something about how it was not being used as intended.  It’s a “reamer,” what other purpose can it possibly have?  Turns out that it’s technically a kitchen gadget.  They need to label it better.

This Book on Gun Safety

I’ll admit we’re not real big on gun safety around here.  “If it shoots, point it at something,” was painted on the wall of our office a number of years ago.  In human blood, which would be alarming if the whole office wasn’t decorated in it.  The motto has served us well, although we did see a lot of pregnancies and sexual harassment claims that year.  ::shrug::

I was looking for a jaunty little romp around these topics with cute little cats.  The dead alpacas were more fun.  It wasn’t cute or anything.  Just political crap trying to pass itself off as satire.  Cats don’t care for your politics.  Cats don’t care about anything other than that box and their next catnip fix.

Oh, and the guns.  They really love guns.  In any event, Amazon wasn’t buying the fact that I had intended to use this as a training tool and wouldn’t let me return it for that fact.  I don’t know how they saw through the rouse and they acted like only a moron would take it seriously.  But look at the cat on the cover!  He’s reaching for the gun for crying out loud!

I’ve got a gimp pen coming next week.  Let’s see what their excuse is then.

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