Trampling all over your sense of reality, breaking into your homes and playing tic-tac-toe with your sanity, and just making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night is getting far too easy, and quite frankly, I’m so very bored. My psychiatrist was telling me that I might need to make the whole thing more challenging. And then I pushed him down a flight of stairs. I never trusted the sanctity of the doctor-patient privilege. Death is a more permanent way of keeping secrets. Needless to say, I saw the doctor again on my way out of the building and he didn’t seem to be feeling too well.
I know that you frequently look in your fridge and find things missing. Now, I’m sure that you pass it off as a brain fart or the midnight munchies by another member of your household. Well, I can assure you that it is neither of those things. It was the Fridge Gremlin. That little bastard has been robbing everyone blind ever since humans found a way to store food safely. And we totally let him. Hell, he’s under contract for it. If you’ve found that he is frequently hitting your household, you should know that you can make your own fridge guard.
To do so, take a nice gallon of milk, drink it until it’s about halfway done, and leave it in the fridge until it’s about to expire. Then, add in some swine flu, a socket wrench, and some pork fried rice (without MSG) from six months ago, shake it up really well and leave it in a sunny spot to stew. You’ll notice that the container starts to change shape. Sometimes it’ll bow out and other times it’ll look like it’s going to implode – it really all depends on which strain of flu you added. Whatever you do, do not release the pressure by opening the cap. Not only will the fumes pull the nose-ring out of your lip (oooh, you’re such a rebel), it will also knock up your grandfather. Once the limits of the container have been reached, put the concoction back in the fridge and you won’t be bothered by the Gremlin again. Of course, there is a very good possibility that the fumes will manage to find their way through the walls of the container and contaminate the rest of the food. Sure, your butter may eventually kill you, but your produce will be safe.
Take a long look at the floor of your closet. Seeing more coat hangers than you ever remember purchasing? Um, yeah, about that… we may have accidentally dropped a few into the bunny mating frenzy pen and may have arranged for a few tainted coat hangers to ship with every package. While I admit that it was pretty funny watching your futile efforts to unload all the extra hangers at Goodwill or the dump, it really did get monotonous to watch you freak out every single time you gathered them up to make the journey. You’re killing me. Just neuter them already. Just take a hacksaw or something to that hook-like thing at the top of each of your hangers. They’ll never multiply again.
Well, that’s all you’re getting for tonight. I’m hoping that’ll be enough to clear out your schedules for some new things I’ve cooked up. If it’s not, you’ll be hearing about it.