Amazon and I have a sordid history. It may have something to do with that time I tried to drown Jeff Bezos in a vat of Twinkie fat or how I lock him in the elevator with The Bad Touch Interns whenever he comes to pay a visit. Or it could be that time I…
I hate Interpretive Dance. I really do. It’s just flailing and throwing yourself around. They don’t even pay attention to the beat. And if they happen to stomp or fall on a particularly notable part? It’s genius! You can’t convince me that having a siezure while music plays is some uber creative way to tell…
I know what you’re thinking, “Isn’t being a bully, bad?” Unsurprisingly, you are once again wrong. Bullying people prepares them for the harsh realities of the outside world. You’re doing them a favor by teaching them that there is no place that is safe, that there is nowhere to hide, and that there is nowhere…
Last we left my final week in retail, the registers failed, the guns were down, the intercom system only half worked and some guy named John was trying to figure out where the water was coming in. I changed the names to protect the terminally stupid and honestly forgot who John was supposed to be. …
I warned you that I would be back with more and yet here you are. You can’t get enough. Under normal circumstances, we were plagued with equipment failure. For instance, we had a printer that would jam constantly. We had an inventory gun that wouldn’t scan things more than a few inches away and would…
As you are already aware, I did a six-year stint as an undercover operative in a menial job. This was by choice, as I thought I could do a lot of damage in a short period of time. Needless to say I did. Retail was flying high when I started and now all the companies…
I caught a spam comment the other day that was just so illiterate that I seriously thought that it might have been written by a high school senior: JOIN THE GREAT ILLUMINATI BROTHER HOOD TODAY AND LIVE A BETTER AND HAPPY LIFE. WELCOME TO THE GREAT TEMPLE OF RICHES AND FAME. Bitch, please, We never…
I recently had someone bury my personal shopper after a long battle with stupidity. It’s apparently possible to be too stupid to live and that guy proved it. So, ever since then I’ve had to buy my own groceries. I can’t stand real grocery stores since people block the aisles and you spend more time…
I was honestly not going to write anything today. I’ve been busy spiking romaine lettuce with E.coli, announcing store closures and then there’s that whole blizzard thing on the east coast. Busy week. But then while I pouring boiling hot maple syrup over an intern’s backside, it occurred to me that what we all really…
My schedule isn’t necessarily busy enough to warrant it, but it’s nice to not have to think about where to fit in the various necessities of life. I used to keep my own schedule but I would plan then re-plan my day so often that the eraser would eventually go right through the page. My…