Mine! All Mine!

Just yesterday, during the annual Multi-National Coordination and Manipulation Protocol Conference, I was flipping through my Illuminati “Motivational” Tools mail-order catalog in the hope of finding some entertaining equipment to furnish my office. Many items stood out – some of which I will buy, some of which I will fantasize about – so I thought I’d share a couple here.

The Automatic Button Pusher

Unlike other organizations ( ::cough:: Free Masons ::cough:: ) the Illuminati does not give a cheap lead watch after 150 years of loyal service. We each get a personal stripper called Buttons. Now, I find that Buttons can be a bit annoying at times. Normal people would simply ask him to leave the room. But, we at the Illuminati pride ourselves in being abnormal. As a matter of fact, I quite enjoy waiting for him to stand dangerously close to my office window so I can give him a little shove. The look of utter shock at my betrayal and fear of death on his face as he falls the two hundred forty-three floors to the sidewalk is absolutely priceless. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of it.

Now, the Automatic Button Pusher aims to expedite the pushing of Buttons out the window, for those who are looking for a bit of variety or just desire more efficiency from the process. You simply request that Buttons stand in front of the battering ram, aim, and fire. The device itself is quite powerful and as a result, Buttons will actually fly for a few blocks before falling to his doom. You know that guy in the office building across the street from you? The one who stares out his office window with his pants down and then puts his head on his desk and weeps like a child? Yeah, I think he could use some company. From high-velocity Buttons, embedded with tiny shards of glass.

Although the thought of hurling Buttons at annoying people makes this purchase tempting, I think I’d gain greater satisfaction from doing it myself.

The Anomalous Protrusion Extractor

Okay, so I admit it. I may have done some things that I don’t regret. Well, to be honest, a lot of things – too many to count in one lifetime. Anyway, at some point, I may have gone on a bender and permanently affixed rodent appendages to unexpected bystanders. Now, before you start giving me that look, these people were incredibly drunk and if they didn’t want a hamster tail in the middle of their forehead then they shouldn’t have passed out in my presence. You can’t blame me for their inability to stop getting dumber.

But I digress. If you’ve happened to wake up with whiskers on the end of your winky, a couple extra sets of nipples, a rat nose on your chin, etc., then this product is the right one for you. And unlike plastic surgery, it will absolutely remove the problem. Hey, some of the test subjects were even able to keep the affected appendage.

And if you’re wondering if I’m going to buy it. There’s no way in hell. What I did was for the good of humanity. They were improvements. So if you’re thinking of buying the APE, you really need to dial down your stupid and think again. I know where you live and I have all the time in the world to redo my modifications.

Portable Subliminal Manipulator

I enjoy screwing with random people. Like when someone calls my “office” and asks what we do there…I tell them the truth. Or maybe I’ll dump a can of tuna in the espresso maker at Starbucks. But some days, I just don’t want to invest that kind of energy into getting a good laugh at someone else’s expense.

And that’s where the PSM comes in. It takes advantage of the latest Illuminati Bluetooth technology to allow you to make random people do whatever you want. And they don’t even have to have a control chip. So go ahead and make that guy picking his nose on the subway pick someone else’s nose. Make that grandma dropkick that skinhead. And the best part is that the PSM looks just like a Blackberry, so no one will suspect it’s you. As for security, you don’t need to worry about that. The PSM is equipped with the highest encryption DNA encoding. Thankfully, my DNA is already encrypted at the highest setting. Good thing, too. I swear I get shorter every time it’s done.

So, unlike the first two items presented today, I will most definitely be getting the PSM. So if you find yourself doing hilarious things you don’t remember….forget you read this.

Pawn Your Children

We at the Illuminati would like to thank everyone who is participating or has participated in the Pawn Your Children campaign. Last year’s turnout was outstanding, and this year’s is looking to be even better. For those of you not aware of the campaign who would like to join up, I’ve outlined the following tips and tricks:

Being a parent is all about your special relationship with yourself. It is a status that is to be admired and respected. It will garner you sympathy and worship. That being said, what is most important about being a parent is finding any way you can to keep your status without all the work of raising a child.

The first step in pawning off your children is using them to finance your lifestyle.  Did you know that the government will pay for you to go to school, daycare for the kid, housing, food, etc?  And all they’ll make you do is get a part-time job.  Part-time!  It’s like gravy.

The second step is playing sick.  Now, before you go into this, you have to have a game-plan.  Be aware of the policy at work requiring doctor’s notes so you don’t end up in the unfortunate predicament of having to actually prove that you’re sick.  You’ve also got to pick an illness that will keep coming back.  Pneumonia is good for this.  Just keep coughing (for maximum efficiency, do it when people are trying to have a conversation nearby).  Practice making it sound like you’ve got a chest rattle.  Also, don’t use silly hospital horror stories like having delicate procedures performed on you in the hospital’s hallway.  It only proves that you watch too much House and are suffering a disconnect from reality.  But keep in mind that your little lung problem will have to be eventually cured.  This is where you fall back on migraines that don’t respond to medication, general soreness that doesn’t respond to medication, and extreme fatigue that no coffee will remedy.

If you’ve followed the first step, you already have a government-funded lackey watching your kid from nine to 5, now you need someone for nights and weekends.  That’s where you need to recruit suckers.  Namely relatives like parents and aunts.  Choose wisely, as the people you select will have to be capable of repeatedly fall for stories like “I’m too sick to care for my kid,” “I’m so behind on my schoolwork from being sick and taking care of my kid that I need quiet time to get my homework done,” and “I need to make up hours at work.”

Once you’ve got those three aspects down, you’ll find yourself with more free time.  Don’t feel guilty about this.  You can’t be expected to bring a new life into this world and raise it.  So, what will you do with that time?  Why not further abuse the graciousness of the suckers you conned into your world by dating?  A lot.  Find someone quickly and spend every night of the week with that person (and while you’re at it, make them buy you stuff).  You’ve got someone to watch the kid, so you might as well take advantage of it.  If you want to lay it on thick, make sure the relationships are fraught with emotional turmoil.  Lots of tears are good. It’ll make your relatives volunteer to take the kid for a weekend or two so he or she isn’t exposed to all that upheaval.

After a while of this, your child may start acting out because he or she no longer has a steady place to sleep at night.  But that won’t be your problem.  It’s the daycare or your relatives’ problem.  At some point, they will try to make it your problem.  Don’t let them. After all, they’re the ones raising the kid, not you.

In the end, you need to remember that pawning your children off on other people consists of the following key mindsets:

  • Your child’s life should revolve around you – not the other way around.
  • You deserve “me” time – all the time.
  • Having a kid doesn’t mean that you can’t whore it up like you used to.
  • Your child is a tool to get what you want.

So there you have it folks, the basics of the Pawning Your Children campaign.  There’s no official sign-up list, but don’t worry – we’ll know who you are.  You’re the people making it more difficult for parents who really need government services, daycares, hospitals, and familial support.

Keep on undermining the system and we’ll have selfish anarchy in no time!

Puppies and Kitties and People I Pity

It’s that time of year again, the time of year when every fiber of my being fills with so much joy that I very nearly implode in a subatomic wave of Turkish toenails and pomegranates.

Yes, it’s time to torture the interns who are still in the building…I mean evaluate their performance and assist them in correcting any flaws.

Now, that’s not to say that we don’t torture our interns all year long, but evaluations are super special. “Why?” you ask? Because normally, I don’t get allocated any time to really think about what I’m going to put those freaks through so I end up just randomly shouting orders for punishments, but this is the one time of year that my superiors actually allocate a couple of weeks for me to sit down and really think things through.

So, for those of you who have requested to join my organization, I offer the following excerpts as a mild glimpse into what starting out in the Illuminati is like:

Tommy has been with the organization for three months and was involved in only one project. He demonstrated an extreme lack of enthusiasm when he was volunteered to test the Belly Button maker. As we heard him screaming to “make it stop” from three floors away, we realized that his level of commitment was disappointing at best. In order to assist Tommy in becoming an example of Illuminati Excellence, I recommend alternating pain therapy where we will force Tommy into choosing the worse of two electric shocks or be covered in silly putty and barbecue sauce and fed to Tyra Banks.

Cindy has requested that we let her out of her contract. In doing so, she has established that she is completely illiterate. It quite clearly says in her contract, in plain sight somewhere in the middle of page 1052 in the tiniest print I could find in the most unreadable font available that not even death will get you out of your contract. So, I’ve decided to let her think she’s out of her contract and make her my special little project. Why, she might just fall asleep in the bathtub only to awaken in her neighbor’s swimming pool stark naked during a family birthday party, or maybe she’ll check her mail and find her boyfriend crammed into the box, or perhaps I’ll just have the the Anti-Environmental Tree Kicking Chipmunks picket her front lawn until she cries for mercy. Honestly, I can’t decide on any one thing…so maybe I’ll just keep throwing stuff at her until she cracks.

Ben appears to have an exceptionally low IQ as he has been repeatedly unable to bring me a decent cup of coffee. Incidentally, he also cries like a little bitch when winged by a flying cup of scalding hot coffee. Since his learning abilities appear to be hampered by pain, we should just stop trying to teach him anything at all. We really don’t want to do away with him just yet, as I find certain un-scarred parts of him to be quite entertaining in a rather pedestrian way. So, I’ll be taking him home and while he’ll enjoy himself at first, rest assured that he will dread the day he saw hot bean water.

Karen has difficulty respecting authority. She does not respond when spoken to, is running an abnormally low body temperature, absolutely refuses to have a pulse, won’t entice The Wolverpus into play, and the smell is getting worse by the day. This kind of insubordination will not be tolerated on any level. Karen will be forced, at gunpoint, to clear out her desk and report directly to the Soul Retrieval and Gravy Pudding testing facility where she will be subjected to the “Special Sauce.” Look for her in a store near you.

So that, my obedient friends, is what our interns will be subjected to for failing to assist us in improving our methods to oppress your free will. Bastards.

But, considering an intern’s lifespan is quite short, we are always looking for more. So don’t let any of the above dissuade you from sending your resume to HQ. We will most definitely consider it.