Mine! All Mine!

Just yesterday, during the annual Multi-National Coordination and Manipulation Protocol Conference, I was flipping through my Illuminati “Motivational” Tools mail-order catalog in the hope of finding some entertaining equipment to furnish my office. Many items stood out – some of which I will buy, some of which I will fantasize about – so I thought I’d share a couple here.

The Automatic Button Pusher

Unlike other organizations ( ::cough:: Free Masons ::cough:: ) the Illuminati does not give a cheap lead watch after 150 years of loyal service. We each get a personal stripper called Buttons. Now, I find that Buttons can be a bit annoying at times. Normal people would simply ask him to leave the room. But, we at the Illuminati pride ourselves in being abnormal. As a matter of fact, I quite enjoy waiting for him to stand dangerously close to my office window so I can give him a little shove. The look of utter shock at my betrayal and fear of death on his face as he falls the two hundred forty-three floors to the sidewalk is absolutely priceless. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of it.

Now, the Automatic Button Pusher aims to expedite the pushing of Buttons out the window, for those who are looking for a bit of variety or just desire more efficiency from the process. You simply request that Buttons stand in front of the battering ram, aim, and fire. The device itself is quite powerful and as a result, Buttons will actually fly for a few blocks before falling to his doom. You know that guy in the office building across the street from you? The one who stares out his office window with his pants down and then puts his head on his desk and weeps like a child? Yeah, I think he could use some company. From high-velocity Buttons, embedded with tiny shards of glass.

Although the thought of hurling Buttons at annoying people makes this purchase tempting, I think I’d gain greater satisfaction from doing it myself.

The Anomalous Protrusion Extractor

Okay, so I admit it. I may have done some things that I don’t regret. Well, to be honest, a lot of things – too many to count in one lifetime. Anyway, at some point, I may have gone on a bender and permanently affixed rodent appendages to unexpected bystanders. Now, before you start giving me that look, these people were incredibly drunk and if they didn’t want a hamster tail in the middle of their forehead then they shouldn’t have passed out in my presence. You can’t blame me for their inability to stop getting dumber.

But I digress. If you’ve happened to wake up with whiskers on the end of your winky, a couple extra sets of nipples, a rat nose on your chin, etc., then this product is the right one for you. And unlike plastic surgery, it will absolutely remove the problem. Hey, some of the test subjects were even able to keep the affected appendage.

And if you’re wondering if I’m going to buy it. There’s no way in hell. What I did was for the good of humanity. They were improvements. So if you’re thinking of buying the APE, you really need to dial down your stupid and think again. I know where you live and I have all the time in the world to redo my modifications.

Portable Subliminal Manipulator

I enjoy screwing with random people. Like when someone calls my “office” and asks what we do there…I tell them the truth. Or maybe I’ll dump a can of tuna in the espresso maker at Starbucks. But some days, I just don’t want to invest that kind of energy into getting a good laugh at someone else’s expense.

And that’s where the PSM comes in. It takes advantage of the latest Illuminati Bluetooth technology to allow you to make random people do whatever you want. And they don’t even have to have a control chip. So go ahead and make that guy picking his nose on the subway pick someone else’s nose. Make that grandma dropkick that skinhead. And the best part is that the PSM looks just like a Blackberry, so no one will suspect it’s you. As for security, you don’t need to worry about that. The PSM is equipped with the highest encryption DNA encoding. Thankfully, my DNA is already encrypted at the highest setting. Good thing, too. I swear I get shorter every time it’s done.

So, unlike the first two items presented today, I will most definitely be getting the PSM. So if you find yourself doing hilarious things you don’t remember….forget you read this.

3 thoughts on “Mine! All Mine!

  1. NICE!!! I’ve been looking for you Illuminati people! Maybe you can help me with a problem…

    I have this terrible, terrible neighbor, see, who farts so loudly at night sometimes that it shakes the china on the shelf mounted on the wall that adjoins his bedroom. What shall I do?

    Your faithful slave,

    PS: What’s a swiffer wetjet?

  2. Mike,

    Clearly, the floorplan of your residence is one of many available from the Illuminati Architectural Library. Who else would choose have a bedroom wall adjoin a wall where one would store china?

    And while I could give you an incredibly simple and entirely legal solution to your problem, you must realize by now that “my job” and “making your life easier” are not in the same universe. I’m in the business of making lives miserable. And since your neighbor is clearly making yours at least a little bit annoying, I have a vested interest in seeing the situation continue.

    But don’t for a second believe that the Illuminati would abandon a willing minion, such as yourself. We’ll be sending a care package of beans and milk to your neighbor. I wonder if he’ll start registering on the Richter scale. You can thank us later.

    PS. Google is everyone’s friend. I know, I keep seeing his car at the free clinic. One would think he’d learn…but no.

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