Pawn Your Children

We at the Illuminati would like to thank everyone who is participating or has participated in the Pawn Your Children campaign. Last year’s turnout was outstanding, and this year’s is looking to be even better. For those of you not aware of the campaign who would like to join up, I’ve outlined the following tips and tricks:

Being a parent is all about your special relationship with yourself. It is a status that is to be admired and respected. It will garner you sympathy and worship. That being said, what is most important about being a parent is finding any way you can to keep your status without all the work of raising a child.

The first step in pawning off your children is using them to finance your lifestyle.  Did you know that the government will pay for you to go to school, daycare for the kid, housing, food, etc?  And all they’ll make you do is get a part-time job.  Part-time!  It’s like gravy.

The second step is playing sick.  Now, before you go into this, you have to have a game-plan.  Be aware of the policy at work requiring doctor’s notes so you don’t end up in the unfortunate predicament of having to actually prove that you’re sick.  You’ve also got to pick an illness that will keep coming back.  Pneumonia is good for this.  Just keep coughing (for maximum efficiency, do it when people are trying to have a conversation nearby).  Practice making it sound like you’ve got a chest rattle.  Also, don’t use silly hospital horror stories like having delicate procedures performed on you in the hospital’s hallway.  It only proves that you watch too much House and are suffering a disconnect from reality.  But keep in mind that your little lung problem will have to be eventually cured.  This is where you fall back on migraines that don’t respond to medication, general soreness that doesn’t respond to medication, and extreme fatigue that no coffee will remedy.

If you’ve followed the first step, you already have a government-funded lackey watching your kid from nine to 5, now you need someone for nights and weekends.  That’s where you need to recruit suckers.  Namely relatives like parents and aunts.  Choose wisely, as the people you select will have to be capable of repeatedly fall for stories like “I’m too sick to care for my kid,” “I’m so behind on my schoolwork from being sick and taking care of my kid that I need quiet time to get my homework done,” and “I need to make up hours at work.”

Once you’ve got those three aspects down, you’ll find yourself with more free time.  Don’t feel guilty about this.  You can’t be expected to bring a new life into this world and raise it.  So, what will you do with that time?  Why not further abuse the graciousness of the suckers you conned into your world by dating?  A lot.  Find someone quickly and spend every night of the week with that person (and while you’re at it, make them buy you stuff).  You’ve got someone to watch the kid, so you might as well take advantage of it.  If you want to lay it on thick, make sure the relationships are fraught with emotional turmoil.  Lots of tears are good. It’ll make your relatives volunteer to take the kid for a weekend or two so he or she isn’t exposed to all that upheaval.

After a while of this, your child may start acting out because he or she no longer has a steady place to sleep at night.  But that won’t be your problem.  It’s the daycare or your relatives’ problem.  At some point, they will try to make it your problem.  Don’t let them. After all, they’re the ones raising the kid, not you.

In the end, you need to remember that pawning your children off on other people consists of the following key mindsets:

  • Your child’s life should revolve around you – not the other way around.
  • You deserve “me” time – all the time.
  • Having a kid doesn’t mean that you can’t whore it up like you used to.
  • Your child is a tool to get what you want.

So there you have it folks, the basics of the Pawning Your Children campaign.  There’s no official sign-up list, but don’t worry – we’ll know who you are.  You’re the people making it more difficult for parents who really need government services, daycares, hospitals, and familial support.

Keep on undermining the system and we’ll have selfish anarchy in no time!

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