Kreativ Blogger Award

For some reason, this blog was tagged for the Kreativ Blogger Award by ElfNinosMom of Adventures in Frickintardistan, one of our co-conspirators.  Normally, I would ignore such a thing, but I saw what she did to that Turkish elm using only a pair of pliers and a gummy bear..and well, that was nothing short of amazing. We tried to put the video up on YouTube for the drooling masses to stare at, but it crashed the server.  Your loss, my gain.


So anyway, as a condition of receiving the award, I now have to list six things I like:

  1. Chasing interns down the hall wielding the Ice Cream Scoop of Terror
  2. Giving hungry fluffy carnivorous bunnies to unsuspecting animal loving vegans and watching their face as Bugs and friends go for the jugular.
  3. Flying cups of hot coffee.  It’s beauty in motion.
  4. Playing chess with the Wolverpus
  5. Playing God with your lives
  6. Chocolate

And now, to spread the plague to six other bloggers:

  1. Jeremy’s Weblog – Occasionally, I like to pretend to be normal.  And on those occasions, I read his blog.
  2. Famewhore!, She Wrote – Celebrities amuse me.
  3. FreeDumb of Expression – But I disagree, just because you can does mean that you should.  It’s more entertaining that way.

Yes, that’s only three.  The Illuminati cannot be bothered to read more than three blogs a day.  I’ve got more important things to do.

Now, where did I put those bunnies?

ShamWow – Shammy Suckage

The Illuminati have completed an investigation into ShamWow and Vince Offer.  “Investigation” might be a stretching it a little bit.  “Little bit” as in “beyond the limits of reality.”  We pronounced them guilty before Vince was a tickle in his daddy’s pants.  For those who are still sober enough to read, ShamWow and Vince Offer are guilty of the following crimes, bad behavior, and general stupidity:

Unauthorized Use of Rubbing Alcohol

While demonstrating the amazing “absorption” of Vince’s Binkie, Vince dumps the contents of a shammy onto the surface in front of him.  Now, after I locked twenty-three interns in a 8×8 room with nothing but a box of Wheat Thins and this segment of the commercial for a month and a half, sixteen interns decided that Sharon’s ass looks big in those jeans.  The other seven were unavailable for comment, so I logged their answer as a soft agreement.  Witness the following screen captures.  Notice the rate of dissipation at the top of the puddle (not to mention the rest of it) before the shammy even touches it (click to enlarge):

alcohol-01 alcohol-02

And before you can notice that the liquid is disappearing on its own, he mops it up with his magical shammies:

alcohol-03 alcohol-04

Now, using this video evidence, the Illuminati finds ShamWow and Vince Offer guilty of violating section 45626.666.7383 (Unauthorized use of Rubbing Alcohol for Boring Purposes) as well as the greater offense of unsuccessfully lying to the public.  We don’t have a code section for that.  It’s engraved on your soul with a Sharpie.

Exposing Illuminati Favors


Several years ago, Vince approached my organization with a simple request.  He wanted us to increase his odds with the ladies.  So, my people gave him hideously large hands.  What did you expect?  The Wolverpus already drank all the mojo prototypes. Now, the ShamWow people at least attempted to cover up the problem but clearly missed this one obvious scene.  Vince knows better than to let the camera that close to his dirty little secret and therefore we find him guilty of embarrassing my organization.  If he really wanted to expose himself, he should have gotten drunk and flashed some school girls from a public fountain like a normal person. Noooo…he’s gone and done it by hocking product nearly every commercial break.  As a matter of fact, Vince exposed himself to me at least four times while writing this post.  I feel so dirty.

Carpet Saturation Rules Violations

If you’re going to saturate a carpet with liquid you must always remember the four sacred rules: 1) make it donkey urine 2) make sure it stays that way 3) don’t clean up any of it 4) don’t let anyone know you did it.  I know that Vince took the class, but after reviewing the security footage, it looks like he put his head in his giant freaking hands and slept through the whole thing.  We’re revoking his certification.  And we’re going to do it by having Billy Mays come to his house and show him how it’s done. And then he’s going to pretend to clean it up with OxyClean, sell Vince health insurance, and move in like a cockroach in slumlord central.  To anyone who comes into contact with Billy: never, ever, leave him alone with your vacuum cleaner.  He picked up some tips from Dyson that are illegal in most countries.  Your vacuum will never be the same again.  It may even require counseling.

Poor Editing

On top of the carpet saturation mess, those ShamWow people couldn’t even properly edit the carpet cleanup scam.  Check out the following images:

Before Picture Lifting Carpet
Before Lifting Carpet
After Putting the Carpet Back Down
After Putting the Carpet Back Down

One would think that with Vince’s mad three card Monty skills that he would have slammed that shammy down so fast over the edge of the carpet that you would never have noticed.  But, no, he hovers the shammy over the spill almost as if he’s taunting you.  Random idiots are seeing this inconsistency.  This is an embarrassment to quality Illuminati infomercials worldwide.  How do you expect us to con stupid people into buying completely useless shit if you sloppily expose our secrets?  Now everyone’s going to be suspect that the energy drinks, “Head-On”, and other atrocities take advantage of clever editing.  I cannot possible express the extent to which I am disappointed in the editor monkeys.  I mean, if you lock enough of them in a room, they’ll hammer out the script to a reality tv show but they can’t possibly manage to hide one little blood…I mean soda spill.

Clone Carelessness

When Vince entered the commercial racket, we gave him several clones by which to make it easeir for him to star in more commercials and appear personally – at the same time.  It’s Illuminati policy to facilitate the saturate the market with products by providing courtesy clones.  You should know that by now after that fiasco with the “Help, I’ve fallen but I can’t get up” lady.  There were like thirty-two of them and they all applied for Medicaid at the same time.  Gave their case worker a heart attack.

Evil Vince Clone in Action
Evil Vince Clone in Action

With our help, it is possible for Vince to actually be in two or more places at the same time.  Too bad he’s not being more careful.  You can actually make out one of his clones quite clearly in the background of a customer testimonial.  Notice how the clone is wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses.  Then suddenly, Vince is back in the studio in a blue t-shirt and NO SUNGLASSES.  There is absolutely no possible way that he could been pulling his shtick in the studio wearing one outfit, changed into “Evil Vince” and zoomed outside and gotten halfway through his speech for the customer testimonial, changed his clothes back to “Studio Vince”, and back in the studio without even being out of breath….twenty-five times an hour!  The only way to explain this is Illuminati Trickery in the shape of Vince clones.  Now, due to the fact that Billy Mays hasn’t off’d nearly enough clones in a jealous rage (usually involves Oxytov cocktails) and that Vince himself is making it obvious that he’s using the clones, we’ve decided to sell off the remaining six hundred Vince Offer clones at an extremely discounted price.  He’s great around the home, garage, car, even on the boat.  He mops up spills in no time flat.  You can even cut him in half and put him in the washer.  Use him on the dog!  I mean, you’re going to spend at least $50 a month on hookers and maids anyway, so use Vince Clone v2.1 instead.  We’ll even throw in four mini-Vinces for free if you order right now…after all, we can’t do this all day.  You followin’ me camera-guy?

A Word of Warning

I could go on and on about the additional offenses witnessed, but I will throw my ambitions in the dumpster and let someone else deal with it so I can issue the following advice.

Vince, the Leprechaun High Council is extremely upset that you stole your brother’s pot of gold and wished to be a mortal man.  They are even more upset that you chose to put your faith behind a product made in Germany (notorious leprechaun oppressors) instead of your native product, Lucky Charms.  They no longer find you “Magically Delicious.”  Or, actually, they may once they catch you and apply the right seasoning.

ShamWow, I suggest you protect Vince as best you can.  Leprechauns are pretty jovial beings until you piss them off bad.  And Vince has done just that.  I assume that he hasn’t enlightened you to this fact for the same reason that he did not inform you of his past.  Leprechauns are also quite tricky and can fit into tight places, so you might just want to seal Vince in a 10×10 clock of cement and pray for the best.

Good luck.

Ashley Todd Failed Fame-Whoring 101

I would very much like to thank one of our Co-Conspirators, Adventures in Frickintardistan, for informing us about Ashley Todd’s inability to frame an Obama supporter by faking an assault.  She is a disgrace to the Fame-Whores of the world.  So, while I can’t release the course materials for “Grab Your 15 Minutes By the Balls” aka Fame-Whoring 101, I can definitely say that she slept through the whole damned class.

So, a quick analysis so the graduating class of FW101 does not make the same stupid mistakes:

First of all, the idea of an ATM-robbery turned political assault is so asinine that it should be a Lifetime Movie.  There was a lengthy discussion on this and it was determined that the movie should be named  “When Crazy White Girls Go Political: The Ashley Todd Story” and that it should be set against the backdrop of a failing marriage to McCain and an unbreakable bond with Palin, which was formed while she and Palin searched for Palin’s kidnapped child. Lifetime would make it.  And you would watch it.  And then you would turn to your children and say, “There’s a lesson here to be learned.” And your children would look at you like you grew a third head.

Ahem.  Ashley’s location was also extremely faulty.  First of all, you never fake an assault near security cameras.  They’re the only witnesses you can’t bribe! Secondly, an ATM?  Honey, what kind of crack are you smoking to think that an ATM robber is dumb enough to strongly express his political views during a robbery?  When was the last time anyone got robbed and the last words were “Vote No on Proposition 11!”  Did you honestly think that the headline is going to read “Petty Thief Union Backs Obama, McCain Soars in Polls.”  This chick has managed to tie absurdity with Mother Teresa trying to give a lap dance to George Burns.

The “Big Scary Black Man”…  pffft.  The Illuminati has not condoned using racial stereotypes for fall guys since the second plague.  It’s just not funny and exposes the accuser of being a racial twit.  She might as well have added that she was rescued by some gentleman in a white hood so it would have been even more glaringly obvious that she was lying.  Now, if she said that her attacker was some skinny little white guy wearing a wife-beater and sporting a mullet…THAT would have at least been funny.  Maybe even believable.  And you know, if she had called my office, I could have arranged for the Wolverpus to make a special appearance.  He could have robbed her at the ATM, tore her arm clean off, and then ate the ATM machine.  And he absolutely adores cameras, so you know he would have dragged her to a well-lit parking lot and made shadow puppets with her dismembered limb so he’d be featured on YouTube.  I sometimes wonder if he’d made a good guest speaker for our Fame-Whoring class.

Lastly, her artistry leaves something to be desired.  I haven’t seen penmanship that bad since we employed dyslexic gerbils to hand-paint flashcards. “B”s have curves, honey, so borrow a few from your face and make it work!  And her bruises are far too orderly.  If someone’s out to mess you up, they’re going to mess you up – not leave one or two little anemic bruises on your pasty white skin.  I wanted to see the whole spectrum of blacks and blues (and maybe some green and yellow) straight out of the Crayola box.  A rainbow of pain, so to speak.  Instead, what she gives us is some crap dollar store package of crayons with only one color in it.  Absolutely shameful.

Now, remember folks, if you’re going to whore yourself out for stardom, the least you can do is make it look credible.