Ashley Todd Failed Fame-Whoring 101

I would very much like to thank one of our Co-Conspirators, Adventures in Frickintardistan, for informing us about Ashley Todd’s inability to frame an Obama supporter by faking an assault.  She is a disgrace to the Fame-Whores of the world.  So, while I can’t release the course materials for “Grab Your 15 Minutes By the Balls” aka Fame-Whoring 101, I can definitely say that she slept through the whole damned class.

So, a quick analysis so the graduating class of FW101 does not make the same stupid mistakes:

First of all, the idea of an ATM-robbery turned political assault is so asinine that it should be a Lifetime Movie.  There was a lengthy discussion on this and it was determined that the movie should be named  “When Crazy White Girls Go Political: The Ashley Todd Story” and that it should be set against the backdrop of a failing marriage to McCain and an unbreakable bond with Palin, which was formed while she and Palin searched for Palin’s kidnapped child. Lifetime would make it.  And you would watch it.  And then you would turn to your children and say, “There’s a lesson here to be learned.” And your children would look at you like you grew a third head.

Ahem.  Ashley’s location was also extremely faulty.  First of all, you never fake an assault near security cameras.  They’re the only witnesses you can’t bribe! Secondly, an ATM?  Honey, what kind of crack are you smoking to think that an ATM robber is dumb enough to strongly express his political views during a robbery?  When was the last time anyone got robbed and the last words were “Vote No on Proposition 11!”  Did you honestly think that the headline is going to read “Petty Thief Union Backs Obama, McCain Soars in Polls.”  This chick has managed to tie absurdity with Mother Teresa trying to give a lap dance to George Burns.

The “Big Scary Black Man”…  pffft.  The Illuminati has not condoned using racial stereotypes for fall guys since the second plague.  It’s just not funny and exposes the accuser of being a racial twit.  She might as well have added that she was rescued by some gentleman in a white hood so it would have been even more glaringly obvious that she was lying.  Now, if she said that her attacker was some skinny little white guy wearing a wife-beater and sporting a mullet…THAT would have at least been funny.  Maybe even believable.  And you know, if she had called my office, I could have arranged for the Wolverpus to make a special appearance.  He could have robbed her at the ATM, tore her arm clean off, and then ate the ATM machine.  And he absolutely adores cameras, so you know he would have dragged her to a well-lit parking lot and made shadow puppets with her dismembered limb so he’d be featured on YouTube.  I sometimes wonder if he’d made a good guest speaker for our Fame-Whoring class.

Lastly, her artistry leaves something to be desired.  I haven’t seen penmanship that bad since we employed dyslexic gerbils to hand-paint flashcards. “B”s have curves, honey, so borrow a few from your face and make it work!  And her bruises are far too orderly.  If someone’s out to mess you up, they’re going to mess you up – not leave one or two little anemic bruises on your pasty white skin.  I wanted to see the whole spectrum of blacks and blues (and maybe some green and yellow) straight out of the Crayola box.  A rainbow of pain, so to speak.  Instead, what she gives us is some crap dollar store package of crayons with only one color in it.  Absolutely shameful.

Now, remember folks, if you’re going to whore yourself out for stardom, the least you can do is make it look credible.

One thought on “Ashley Todd Failed Fame-Whoring 101

  1. Whoo-hoo! I just now got this in my RSS feeds (the Illuminati must be up to their old tricks again) and I have to say, it was well worth the wait.

    Ashley Todd has definitely made a name for herself in the “Shameless Attention Whore” Hall of Fame. Not unlike Susan Smith, who blamed a nonexistent black man for the “abduction” of her children (who were in fact rotting at the bottom of the lake she put them in) Ashley Todd should have gone to prison.

    She’s a dangerous racist, and just because she isn’t wearing a white robe and pointed mask doesn’t make her any less so. If the cops had been anywhere near as stupid as Ashley assumed them to be, black men all over Philly would have been stopped, harassed, and probably even abused by police. Unfortunately, there are cops all over this country who are racists themselves, and would welcome that excuse to do what they want to do anyway. Thank goodness she ran into cops who have more than one functioning brain cell.

    She committed a hate crime against herself, in an attempt to alter the results of a presidential election, so she should be prosecuted under federal hate crime laws. She told the cops she didn’t remember doing it. I believe that about as much as I believe that that a man who looked mysteriously like Barack Obama attacked her and drew a backward “B” on her face (by the way, how do we know that didn’t actually stand for Bob Barr? LOL). She pleaded guilty, and was ordered to undergo counseling. What this racist POS really needs is some wall-to-wall counseling in the jail’s general population unit.

    She has a youtube video where she goes on and on ad nauseum about a mean janitor (black, of course) at a college, who wouldn’t let her and her equally worthless friends mess up the joint in the middle of the night. I’m surprised she didn’t blame it on that poor guy, who was just trying to do his job. Argh.

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