Chief Justice Drives Home Win for Care Bears!

The Illuminati are well aware of the controversy surrounding Obama’s Oath of office and we thought we’d take a moment to give you an idea of what went wrong, and how we fixed it.

Still bitter about McCain’s loss this past November, and not satisfied with having Vince Offer kick Obama’s ass in pageviews on this blog, the Care Bear Rebel Faction did the only thing they could do to stop Obama from taking office: call Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. Official Photo
Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., the Giggler

You heard me.  John G. Roberts, Jr., aka “The Giggler,” works for the Care Bears.  Don’t believe me?  Check out his official photo on the right.  He’s fighting a serious case of the giggles and not from a “you smelt it, you dealt it” situation, either…nooo…these giggles are the unsuppressible kind that you get when you’ve put on over on everyone.  Don’t bother asking him about it, either.  He’ll deny everything.

Now, Roberts’ dastardly plan was to mix up only one word in the oath so that it would seem so trivial that a do-over would seem superfluous.  Unfortunately, some constitutional nerds cried “Don’t live life on the edge!  Be on the safe side!” and a do-over was scheduled for the next day.  Roberts had to act fast if he was to make this invalid oath stick.  Knowing that a do-over oath is only valid if the incoming President placed his left hand on the exact same book as the first oath, he snuck into the master bedroom of the White House and swiped Obama’s bible from the nightstand while the couple slept.  Secret Service personnel on duty at the time claim to have heard an evil giggle coming from the bedroom that night, but wrote it off as Obama shifting back into a lizard before turning in.  They’re really not very good at their job.

And so, the next day, Obama was unable to produce his bible for the do-over oath and the Giggler walks away with a big fat “Mission Accomplished.”  Once the Illuminati witnessed the lack of bible at the do-over, we knew what the Care Bears had done.

The truth of the matter is that when the oath and/or do-overs are rendered worthless, the Illuminati will usually appoint some unknown or has-been to rule in secret while the President pretends to run the country and serves as a scapegoat.  But this was a new one on us.  Never before has one of our affiliates conspired to interfere with the oath and done it so well.

So, it is with great joy in our hearts to announce that Obama has to forfeit the Presidency.  To John McCain.  You can’t complain either since he came in second in the Presidential election.  From here on in, you’ll be seeing Obama make speeches and his little public appearances like you expect, but in the off hours, he’ll be tucked away in the cellar scribbling notes on bar napkins and mumbling about the vicious bastards we know as Care Bears.

Congratulations on your covert win, guys!

You Demented Freaks

I love you.  I really do.  I’m not screwing with you, either.

After WordPress upgraded to 2.7, something which I never cared to notice became hilariously apparent.  When it comes to the two most popular posts on this blog, between our Obama announcement and our expose on Vince Offer – Obama nabbed 61% of the pageviews while Vince is at 39% and climbing quickly.

It brings tears of happiness that renegade leprechaun and infomercial pitchman, Vince,  has a shot in hell of beating out the most famous shape-shifting lizard in the United States, Obama.  And you… YES, YOU made this all happen.  The Care Bear rebel faction has specifically asked that you put in extra effort to make sure that Vince beats Obama’s ass in pageviews.  Pointless Vengeance will be theirs!

So be sure to let all your insignificant little friends know that Vince is the bomb and point them to the blog entry so we can appease the rebel faction.  If we don’t they will not enter another candidate into the race and we’ll miss out on a  more entertaining car crash in 2012.

President Elect Barack Obama
President-Elect Barack Obama
ShamWow's Vince Offer
ShamWow’s Vince Offer

Ashley Todd Failed Fame-Whoring 101

I would very much like to thank one of our Co-Conspirators, Adventures in Frickintardistan, for informing us about Ashley Todd’s inability to frame an Obama supporter by faking an assault.  She is a disgrace to the Fame-Whores of the world.  So, while I can’t release the course materials for “Grab Your 15 Minutes By the Balls” aka Fame-Whoring 101, I can definitely say that she slept through the whole damned class.

So, a quick analysis so the graduating class of FW101 does not make the same stupid mistakes:

First of all, the idea of an ATM-robbery turned political assault is so asinine that it should be a Lifetime Movie.  There was a lengthy discussion on this and it was determined that the movie should be named  “When Crazy White Girls Go Political: The Ashley Todd Story” and that it should be set against the backdrop of a failing marriage to McCain and an unbreakable bond with Palin, which was formed while she and Palin searched for Palin’s kidnapped child. Lifetime would make it.  And you would watch it.  And then you would turn to your children and say, “There’s a lesson here to be learned.” And your children would look at you like you grew a third head.

Ahem.  Ashley’s location was also extremely faulty.  First of all, you never fake an assault near security cameras.  They’re the only witnesses you can’t bribe! Secondly, an ATM?  Honey, what kind of crack are you smoking to think that an ATM robber is dumb enough to strongly express his political views during a robbery?  When was the last time anyone got robbed and the last words were “Vote No on Proposition 11!”  Did you honestly think that the headline is going to read “Petty Thief Union Backs Obama, McCain Soars in Polls.”  This chick has managed to tie absurdity with Mother Teresa trying to give a lap dance to George Burns.

The “Big Scary Black Man”…  pffft.  The Illuminati has not condoned using racial stereotypes for fall guys since the second plague.  It’s just not funny and exposes the accuser of being a racial twit.  She might as well have added that she was rescued by some gentleman in a white hood so it would have been even more glaringly obvious that she was lying.  Now, if she said that her attacker was some skinny little white guy wearing a wife-beater and sporting a mullet…THAT would have at least been funny.  Maybe even believable.  And you know, if she had called my office, I could have arranged for the Wolverpus to make a special appearance.  He could have robbed her at the ATM, tore her arm clean off, and then ate the ATM machine.  And he absolutely adores cameras, so you know he would have dragged her to a well-lit parking lot and made shadow puppets with her dismembered limb so he’d be featured on YouTube.  I sometimes wonder if he’d made a good guest speaker for our Fame-Whoring class.

Lastly, her artistry leaves something to be desired.  I haven’t seen penmanship that bad since we employed dyslexic gerbils to hand-paint flashcards. “B”s have curves, honey, so borrow a few from your face and make it work!  And her bruises are far too orderly.  If someone’s out to mess you up, they’re going to mess you up – not leave one or two little anemic bruises on your pasty white skin.  I wanted to see the whole spectrum of blacks and blues (and maybe some green and yellow) straight out of the Crayola box.  A rainbow of pain, so to speak.  Instead, what she gives us is some crap dollar store package of crayons with only one color in it.  Absolutely shameful.

Now, remember folks, if you’re going to whore yourself out for stardom, the least you can do is make it look credible.

Yeah, it’s true…Obama works for us.

With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama.  Now without further adieu…

Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii

After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can assure you that he was not born in Hawaii.  Yeah, I totally forged that certificate.  On my coffee break.  You people are so gullible.  Truth of the matter is that Obama was born on Amalthea, which is the third moon of Jupiter.  This is very important to those who actually give a damn because Amalthea is the traditional birthing ground of the royal family of shape shifting lizards.  Now, Obama is not a member of the royal family.  Well, not officially.  You know how well those royals keep their nondescript reproductive organs to themselves.  Yes!  That’s right!  Obama is the bastard love-child of George Bush and the Queen of England!  Don’t deny it.  You know in your heart that it’s the truth.

Obama’s Aversion to the Pledge of Allegiance

First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance is not really about patriotism at all.  It’s a promise to give your immortal soul to an inanimate object.  Agents of the Illuminati cannot pledge their immortal soul to inanimate objects, Pamela Anderson, or corn dogs.  If we attempt to do so, we’ll dissolve in to a puddle of goo resembling Marlon Brando.  Therefore, any images or movies you see of Obama reciting the Pledge with hand over heart is a total fabrication – and easily duplicated using mirrors, lasers, and a tuna fish sandwich – with extra mayonnaise.  The mayonnaise is important for pliability.

Obama’s Infamous Limo Ride

Did Obama really coke up and engage in sexual relations with that limo driver on YouTube?  First of all…c’mon, a limo driver?  Coke?  This is a prized Illuminati agent and he has access to way better drugs and far better looking sexual partners.  Unlimited access.  Heck, he can still pick a coked up toothless limo driver if that’s where he wants to put his jollies.  But I can assure you that if he did pick such a partner, there is no way we’d let the guy live long enough to post his lame-ass story on YouTube, much less file a lawsuit.

Obama’s Going to Tax Water

This is just ridiculous.  Shape-shifting lizards wouldn’t tax water.  The shape-shifting process is extremely drying and Lubriderm simply does not work as advertised.  So, taxing water would not be a good idea for the shape-shifting lizard population of the world.  But, taxing air, bodily secretions, hookers, and M&Ms…all fair game.  And don’t think he won’t tax M&Ms either.  He hates them, what with their prancing around in their animated arms and legs, corruping todays youth with seductive lines like “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”  He simply must tax them before they figure out how to make porn and the echos of hard-coated candy shells clacking together are heard throughout the country.

There are of course many more rumors, none of which I will bother to address.  Mostly because I just don’t care enough…ah, there I go again – lying.  I’ve got to go swear in some interns.  With bottle rockets filled with acid.  This is going to be fun.