Chief Justice Drives Home Win for Care Bears!

The Illuminati are well aware of the controversy surrounding Obama’s Oath of office and we thought we’d take a moment to give you an idea of what went wrong, and how we fixed it.

Still bitter about McCain’s loss this past November, and not satisfied with having Vince Offer kick Obama’s ass in pageviews on this blog, the Care Bear Rebel Faction did the only thing they could do to stop Obama from taking office: call Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr.

Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr. Official Photo
Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., the Giggler

You heard me.  John G. Roberts, Jr., aka “The Giggler,” works for the Care Bears.  Don’t believe me?  Check out his official photo on the right.  He’s fighting a serious case of the giggles and not from a “you smelt it, you dealt it” situation, either…nooo…these giggles are the unsuppressible kind that you get when you’ve put on over on everyone.  Don’t bother asking him about it, either.  He’ll deny everything.

Now, Roberts’ dastardly plan was to mix up only one word in the oath so that it would seem so trivial that a do-over would seem superfluous.  Unfortunately, some constitutional nerds cried “Don’t live life on the edge!  Be on the safe side!” and a do-over was scheduled for the next day.  Roberts had to act fast if he was to make this invalid oath stick.  Knowing that a do-over oath is only valid if the incoming President placed his left hand on the exact same book as the first oath, he snuck into the master bedroom of the White House and swiped Obama’s bible from the nightstand while the couple slept.  Secret Service personnel on duty at the time claim to have heard an evil giggle coming from the bedroom that night, but wrote it off as Obama shifting back into a lizard before turning in.  They’re really not very good at their job.

And so, the next day, Obama was unable to produce his bible for the do-over oath and the Giggler walks away with a big fat “Mission Accomplished.”  Once the Illuminati witnessed the lack of bible at the do-over, we knew what the Care Bears had done.

The truth of the matter is that when the oath and/or do-overs are rendered worthless, the Illuminati will usually appoint some unknown or has-been to rule in secret while the President pretends to run the country and serves as a scapegoat.  But this was a new one on us.  Never before has one of our affiliates conspired to interfere with the oath and done it so well.

So, it is with great joy in our hearts to announce that Obama has to forfeit the Presidency.  To John McCain.  You can’t complain either since he came in second in the Presidential election.  From here on in, you’ll be seeing Obama make speeches and his little public appearances like you expect, but in the off hours, he’ll be tucked away in the cellar scribbling notes on bar napkins and mumbling about the vicious bastards we know as Care Bears.

Congratulations on your covert win, guys!

Ashley Todd Failed Fame-Whoring 101

I would very much like to thank one of our Co-Conspirators, Adventures in Frickintardistan, for informing us about Ashley Todd’s inability to frame an Obama supporter by faking an assault.  She is a disgrace to the Fame-Whores of the world.  So, while I can’t release the course materials for “Grab Your 15 Minutes By the Balls” aka Fame-Whoring 101, I can definitely say that she slept through the whole damned class.

So, a quick analysis so the graduating class of FW101 does not make the same stupid mistakes:

First of all, the idea of an ATM-robbery turned political assault is so asinine that it should be a Lifetime Movie.  There was a lengthy discussion on this and it was determined that the movie should be named  “When Crazy White Girls Go Political: The Ashley Todd Story” and that it should be set against the backdrop of a failing marriage to McCain and an unbreakable bond with Palin, which was formed while she and Palin searched for Palin’s kidnapped child. Lifetime would make it.  And you would watch it.  And then you would turn to your children and say, “There’s a lesson here to be learned.” And your children would look at you like you grew a third head.

Ahem.  Ashley’s location was also extremely faulty.  First of all, you never fake an assault near security cameras.  They’re the only witnesses you can’t bribe! Secondly, an ATM?  Honey, what kind of crack are you smoking to think that an ATM robber is dumb enough to strongly express his political views during a robbery?  When was the last time anyone got robbed and the last words were “Vote No on Proposition 11!”  Did you honestly think that the headline is going to read “Petty Thief Union Backs Obama, McCain Soars in Polls.”  This chick has managed to tie absurdity with Mother Teresa trying to give a lap dance to George Burns.

The “Big Scary Black Man”…  pffft.  The Illuminati has not condoned using racial stereotypes for fall guys since the second plague.  It’s just not funny and exposes the accuser of being a racial twit.  She might as well have added that she was rescued by some gentleman in a white hood so it would have been even more glaringly obvious that she was lying.  Now, if she said that her attacker was some skinny little white guy wearing a wife-beater and sporting a mullet…THAT would have at least been funny.  Maybe even believable.  And you know, if she had called my office, I could have arranged for the Wolverpus to make a special appearance.  He could have robbed her at the ATM, tore her arm clean off, and then ate the ATM machine.  And he absolutely adores cameras, so you know he would have dragged her to a well-lit parking lot and made shadow puppets with her dismembered limb so he’d be featured on YouTube.  I sometimes wonder if he’d made a good guest speaker for our Fame-Whoring class.

Lastly, her artistry leaves something to be desired.  I haven’t seen penmanship that bad since we employed dyslexic gerbils to hand-paint flashcards. “B”s have curves, honey, so borrow a few from your face and make it work!  And her bruises are far too orderly.  If someone’s out to mess you up, they’re going to mess you up – not leave one or two little anemic bruises on your pasty white skin.  I wanted to see the whole spectrum of blacks and blues (and maybe some green and yellow) straight out of the Crayola box.  A rainbow of pain, so to speak.  Instead, what she gives us is some crap dollar store package of crayons with only one color in it.  Absolutely shameful.

Now, remember folks, if you’re going to whore yourself out for stardom, the least you can do is make it look credible.

Wait…you didn’t think McCain was safe, did you?

For those of you who thought that McCain would be safe once we admitted to having Obama in our clutches, you were wrong.  As usual.  We left plenty of signs such as voting with Bush (who we already “control”) over 90% of the time, and that whole “Old McCain”, “New McCain” business.  When will you learn?

McCain is Technologically Deficient

Being a member of my organization requires an expansive working knowledge of technology.  Now, if you think that McCain cannot possibly be an Illuminati if he can’t use a computer, you are absolutely right.  For once. McCain is not a member.  He belongs to a militant division of the Care Bear rebel faction, and as you may already know, Care Bears emit EMF radiation which renders surrounding equipment inoperable.  Thankfully, we were able to graft shielding technology into his holographic human suit so that he doesn’t knock out microphones, cameras, cell phones, etc.  This still means that he can’t use a computer, even in his human suit, because his “fingers” are still paws and as such, cannot type.  As to the rumors about being unable to drive a car…well, Care Bears love to drive cars.  Fast.  So fast in fact, that there is a sonic boom.  This would prove to be suspicious, so his contract with us dictates that he is not allowed to drive for as long as he is in the public spotlight.  Maybe we’ll let him run over some American Idol contestants after all is said and done.

Kick Butt, Monkey Nut

Anyone familiar with Care Bears knows that they are all castrated at birth and the subsequent scarring is covered up by the decorative pictures on their tummies.  There is much resentment over these belly badges and the humiliation they represent.  The rebels have since figured out a way to reconstruct their fun bits using spare primate parts.  McCain was one of the first to receive the surgery then proceeded to spend years making rude gestures to and otherwise harassing Strawberry Shortcake.  She obtained a restraining order in 1990 and is currently shacked up with an unnamed Popple somewhere in New Jersey.  McCain took a lesson from that debacle by bottling up his urges.  But as he’s now realizing, there are some unfortunate side-effects to his solution.  Namely, the “Monkey Nut Rage,” which has been covered by traditional news outlets as “anger issues”.

So Old, Dirt Calls Him Grandpa?

One could easily argue that John McCain is old.  Yeah, I think we all get that.  But there have been rumors that say that was born in the 19th or 20th century.  That is absolutely false.  No Care Bears were born in the 19th or 20th century.  In fact, no Care Bears have been born for at least six thousand years, due to the above-mentioned castrations and any new Care Bears you see have been the result of cloning.  Which also explains the Crayola colors.  So, McCain was not born on August 29, 1936, he was merely brought to consciousness on that date.  Which does at least make him old enough for some dirt to call him Grandpa.