I would very much like to thank one of our Co-Conspirators, Adventures in Frickintardistan, for informing us about Ashley Todd’s inability to frame an Obama supporter by faking an assault. She is a disgrace to the Fame-Whores of the world. So, while I can’t release the course materials for “Grab Your 15 Minutes By the Balls” aka Fame-Whoring 101, I can definitely say that she slept through the whole damned class.
So, a quick analysis so the graduating class of FW101 does not make the same stupid mistakes:
First of all, the idea of an ATM-robbery turned political assault is so asinine that it should be a Lifetime Movie. There was a lengthy discussion on this and it was determined that the movie should be named “When Crazy White Girls Go Political: The Ashley Todd Story” and that it should be set against the backdrop of a failing marriage to McCain and an unbreakable bond with Palin, which was formed while she and Palin searched for Palin’s kidnapped child. Lifetime would make it. And you would watch it. And then you would turn to your children and say, “There’s a lesson here to be learned.” And your children would look at you like you grew a third head.
Ahem. Ashley’s location was also extremely faulty. First of all, you never fake an assault near security cameras. They’re the only witnesses you can’t bribe! Secondly, an ATM? Honey, what kind of crack are you smoking to think that an ATM robber is dumb enough to strongly express his political views during a robbery? When was the last time anyone got robbed and the last words were “Vote No on Proposition 11!” Did you honestly think that the headline is going to read “Petty Thief Union Backs Obama, McCain Soars in Polls.” This chick has managed to tie absurdity with Mother Teresa trying to give a lap dance to George Burns.
The “Big Scary Black Man”… pffft. The Illuminati has not condoned using racial stereotypes for fall guys since the second plague. It’s just not funny and exposes the accuser of being a racial twit. She might as well have added that she was rescued by some gentleman in a white hood so it would have been even more glaringly obvious that she was lying. Now, if she said that her attacker was some skinny little white guy wearing a wife-beater and sporting a mullet…THAT would have at least been funny. Maybe even believable. And you know, if she had called my office, I could have arranged for the Wolverpus to make a special appearance. He could have robbed her at the ATM, tore her arm clean off, and then ate the ATM machine. And he absolutely adores cameras, so you know he would have dragged her to a well-lit parking lot and made shadow puppets with her dismembered limb so he’d be featured on YouTube. I sometimes wonder if he’d made a good guest speaker for our Fame-Whoring class.
Lastly, her artistry leaves something to be desired. I haven’t seen penmanship that bad since we employed dyslexic gerbils to hand-paint flashcards. “B”s have curves, honey, so borrow a few from your face and make it work! And her bruises are far too orderly. If someone’s out to mess you up, they’re going to mess you up – not leave one or two little anemic bruises on your pasty white skin. I wanted to see the whole spectrum of blacks and blues (and maybe some green and yellow) straight out of the Crayola box. A rainbow of pain, so to speak. Instead, what she gives us is some crap dollar store package of crayons with only one color in it. Absolutely shameful.
Now, remember folks, if you’re going to whore yourself out for stardom, the least you can do is make it look credible.