I was honestly not going to write anything today. I’ve been busy spiking romaine lettuce with E.coli, announcing store closures and then there’s that whole blizzard thing on the east coast. Busy week. But then while I pouring boiling hot maple syrup over an intern’s backside, it occurred to me that what we all really need right now are fields of penises.
We don’t need grain, tobacco, cotton, or corn. We need fields and fields of high-quality penises. As a woman today, I must tell you that the market is incredibly disappointing and those that market their penises over-hype everything. Four inches is not eight and a roll of quarters is not a beer can. Stop trying to convince us otherwise. This isn’t 1952. We are not only allowed to use rulers, we actually know how to use them.
So, I had a long talk with R&D about getting their shit together to make this happen. Imagine! Phallus fields as far as the eye can see, gently swaying in the breeze. The thresher…oh…no..th…that’s not going to work at all.
Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things!?