Your Spam Isn’t Even Clever

I caught a spam comment the other day that was just so illiterate that I seriously thought that it might have been written by a high school senior:

JOIN THE GREAT ILLUMINATI BROTHER HOOD TODAY AND LIVE A BETTER AND HAPPY LIFE. WELCOME TO THE GREAT TEMPLE OF RICHES AND FAME.

Bitch, please, We never had temples, much less temples of riches and fame.  There’s far more to life than money and fame.  There’s death and mayhem, blood and guts, spaghetti and meatballs…don’t get those last ones confused.  It ends badly.

Are you a business, Man, politician, musical, student and you. want to be rich, powerful and be famous in life.

Are you a musical?  ARE YOU?

You can achieve your dreams by being a member of the Great illuminati brother hood.

Hey now, brothers who wear hoods get shot by the police for no reason at all.  Also, you have it wrong.  Some of us have vaginas.  And a lot more no longer have penises. So, to assume that we’re all black men with intact genitalia is just racist and sexist.

With this all your dreams and heart desire can be fully accomplish, if you really want to be a member of the great illuminati brother hood, contact the Lord illuminati now,

Sweet toaster pastries, will you capitalize our name?  I mean, were you raised in a barn or something? Also, we don’t have Lords and there’s only one guy here named “Lord” and his arm has been stuck in a vending machine for well over six months. It’s been so long he actually stopped struggling.  And breathing.

Note: State Of America . Please will do not share blood.

You hear that America?  You’re a state! A state of disarray, maybe.  And what’s that about blood?  Why don’t we want to share it?  Is it hepatitis, please say it’s because of all the hepatitis.  And we’re just going to snip the contact information part out, since at least half of you are too stupid not to call a number with a Nigerian extension or email the Illuminati at a fucking gmail address.  Well, at least it’s not AOL, I guess.

newly recruited members are entitled with 3million US Dollars , A Golden Ring, that will protect and guild you from enemies, and a free visa to United93

Ha!  Three million dollars won’t even cover the average person’s Oreo consumption. Golden rings only make you immune to unicorn farts (which contain 70% chloroform).

And what’s this about a free visa to United93?  You don’t get a visa for an airline flight, you get a ticket and no one is getting a ticket to a flight that crashed on 9/11.  That event is time-locked for a good reason.  If you can believe it, that whole day could have gone far, far worse.

 


4 thoughts on “Your Spam Isn’t Even Clever

        1. The 419 scammers are equally laughable, yet they scam people for millions. I guess they stick with what works in Nigeria.

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