Yeah, it’s true…Obama works for us.

With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama.  Now without further adieu…

Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii

After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can assure you that he was not born in Hawaii.  Yeah, I totally forged that certificate.  On my coffee break.  You people are so gullible.  Truth of the matter is that Obama was born on Amalthea, which is the third moon of Jupiter.  This is very important to those who actually give a damn because Amalthea is the traditional birthing ground of the royal family of shape shifting lizards.  Now, Obama is not a member of the royal family.  Well, not officially.  You know how well those royals keep their nondescript reproductive organs to themselves.  Yes!  That’s right!  Obama is the bastard love-child of George Bush and the Queen of England!  Don’t deny it.  You know in your heart that it’s the truth.

Obama’s Aversion to the Pledge of Allegiance

First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance is not really about patriotism at all.  It’s a promise to give your immortal soul to an inanimate object.  Agents of the Illuminati cannot pledge their immortal soul to inanimate objects, Pamela Anderson, or corn dogs.  If we attempt to do so, we’ll dissolve in to a puddle of goo resembling Marlon Brando.  Therefore, any images or movies you see of Obama reciting the Pledge with hand over heart is a total fabrication – and easily duplicated using mirrors, lasers, and a tuna fish sandwich – with extra mayonnaise.  The mayonnaise is important for pliability.

Obama’s Infamous Limo Ride

Did Obama really coke up and engage in sexual relations with that limo driver on YouTube?  First of all…c’mon, a limo driver?  Coke?  This is a prized Illuminati agent and he has access to way better drugs and far better looking sexual partners.  Unlimited access.  Heck, he can still pick a coked up toothless limo driver if that’s where he wants to put his jollies.  But I can assure you that if he did pick such a partner, there is no way we’d let the guy live long enough to post his lame-ass story on YouTube, much less file a lawsuit.

Obama’s Going to Tax Water

This is just ridiculous.  Shape-shifting lizards wouldn’t tax water.  The shape-shifting process is extremely drying and Lubriderm simply does not work as advertised.  So, taxing water would not be a good idea for the shape-shifting lizard population of the world.  But, taxing air, bodily secretions, hookers, and M&Ms…all fair game.  And don’t think he won’t tax M&Ms either.  He hates them, what with their prancing around in their animated arms and legs, corruping todays youth with seductive lines like “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.”  He simply must tax them before they figure out how to make porn and the echos of hard-coated candy shells clacking together are heard throughout the country.

There are of course many more rumors, none of which I will bother to address.  Mostly because I just don’t care enough…ah, there I go again – lying.  I’ve got to go swear in some interns.  With bottle rockets filled with acid.  This is going to be fun.

Franchising Opportunities Available

Do you want to make money? Do you want to be popular? Do you want to go down in history?

Well, the Illuminati can help! Just send your left nut to the address shown on the back of your secret imploder ring, and you’ll receive a packet on accomplishing the above tasks by showing you how to do the following:

  • Come up with your own religion, complete with:
    • Spiteful God
    • Sacred Texts
    • Immutable rules not included in sacred texts, but supposedly told to you by spiteful god because you are the chosen one.
    • Paranoid convictions regarding age, sex, work ethic, eating habits, necessary bodily functions, and the ever-popular “thought process”
  • Recruit members with specific methods of converting the following susceptible personality types:
    • Lonely college students
    • Desperate unwed mothers
    • Loveless geeks
    • Evil grandmas
    • Addicts
    • Religious Zealots (they make great minions)
    • Nutbags (unpredictable, but generally loyal)
  • Plan and build your compound using the following techniques and materials:
    • Pre-conceived schematics for bunkers, greenhouses, guard towers, electrified fences, weapon storage units, and residential units.
    • Complete material lists as well as cooperative, Illuminati-approved vendors.
    • Methods to get your followers to comply with the strict building schedule, which naturally includes long days, dangerous work conditions, and frequent casualties.
    • How to purchase the land (on which to build your slice of heaven) through shadow corporations funded by the net worth of your new recruits.
    • Additional financing… wait, we’re not financing your lazy ass. That’s what your followers are for. By the love of the spiteful god, make your idiot followers grow or make something and sell it at ridiculously high prices to the general public. Hint: “organic” is the buzzword of the day.
  • Build charisma using the patented “ego stroke” method.
  • Keep your followers “in line”, which includes directions on effective random acts of torture.

And if you act today, we’ll throw in the best selling book “7 Habits of Highly Effective Cult Leaders,” and “Super Fun Paranoid Conspiracies.” Both of which will reinforce your god-like status to your minions and will cement your control over your followers.