Top 4 Illuminati Hangover Cures

As I look around the office, all I see are people with their heads down on their desks, groaning at the slightest noise.  But today, on the mother of all hangover days, they’re also losing their breakfast every fifteen minutes.  It’s a chorus of yak.

You’d think that being all-knowing and all-powerful would mean that we would have fixed this by now.  Well, I have fixed it and I’ll tell you exactly what I do to the rest of the office to get them over their little slump.

Marching Band Therapy

I know when my co-workers and underlings are going to have a bad day.  Hell, I fed them the alcohol the night before, often against their will.  My social life is very rich.  The very next morning, right when it looks like they’re about to go home sick, I bring in the company marching band.  Yes, we have a marching band on call, because nothing says “international conspiracy” quite like bagpipes and giant drums in lockstep.

Within minutes most of them pass out from the pain, in a pool of their own vomit.  They don’t regain consciousness until the hangover is over.

Pole Therapy

For once, this has nothing to do with strippers or sex workers, mostly since I’ve yet to find a way to fit that in. You’ll need to muster up whatever energy you have and go outside in the sun.  I know it hurts, too fucking bad.  Take the nearest sturdy stick or even a yardstick.  Stand it up on its end and place your forehead on it.  Now walk around in a circle, ensuring that the stick never leaves the ground and your forehead never leaves the stick. Do this for as long as you can stand it.

You see your body wants the room to spin right now and when you make the room spin, your body will learn that you are the boss of it.  When you remove your head from the stick, the room will spin more violently than it did before the stick. Eventually, you’ll lose everything you ate since last Tuesday.  That’s just your body trying to regain control.  Your best bet is to lay on the ground and groan for a while.  Do try to avoid the pool of vomit.

Tiger Balm

A friend of mine once told me that Tiger Balm is like weapons-grade Icy Hot.  I know it’s hard to believe, but I do actually have friends. I can count them on two fingers!  Anyway, other less reputable sites like the NY Times will tell you that you should rub it on your temples to help a headache.  They don’t know what they’re talking about.  You’re not supposed to rub it on your temples, your rub it on your ass cheeks.  Try not to get any in your neutral zone, it burns and unless you’re into that kind of thing it will not be a pleasant experience.

So anyway, rubbing it onto a larger area allows the heating/cooling sensation to really work at its maximum as it’s herby goodness sucks all the toxins out of your liver.


Taking Tylenol for a hangover probably isn’t the best idea.  I mean you just spent a night beating your liver bloody and now you’re going to throw liver-killing pills at it?  Are you me or just crazy? You’re going to want to stay away from anything with side-effects and warning labels for now.  It’s not like you have the presence of mind to read them anyway.

Placebos are safe for everyone except maybe diabetics and if you’re diabetic you probably shouldn’t be binging on booze anyway.  If you really, really believe that those little sugar pills work, then they will.  It’s science!


Leave a Reply