Everyone’s supposed to do this right? ::shrug:: Okay, so I guess I need to bring up some of our more spectacular successes and failures in 2017.
We Found the Evil Government Weather Machine
As some of you are already aware, it went missing somewhere in Canada in 2014. We honestly thought that transporting it in the back of an ice cream truck would protect it from theft, but it turned out to be the opposite. There’s a lesson there. In any event, we found it again in Indiana back in June it is now safely stored at headquarters. Unfortunately, the manual is still missing so Bob, the caretaker, is just randomly pushing buttons and documenting the effects. There’s something like 6,000 buttons so it’s going to be a while before we’ve properly documented the various possibilities. Meanwhile, fires are burning in California and you can literally castrate men in the northeast by pantsing them outside then smacking their junk with a hammer.
Debugging Trump Introduced More Bugs
We have a habit of programming things and releasing them into the wild before doing any real bug testing. Well, Donald Trump was released sometime in the early seventies. Since then, as we’ve discovered millions of bugs. We even patched a bunch of them! But now the code looks like an amputee held together by so many band-aids that removing them would legally count as weight reduction surgery. We were okay with this until he entered the White House and then we realized that his remote control didn’t work anymore. It’s not our fault, we never had a need to use it before. He was doing just fine on his own.
As you likely already know, we have found a way to control the White House since before there was one. Usually by ensuring that the first lady or the President himself was a shape-shifting lizard. We didn’t think we needed to do that this time. And I guess we really don’t since the Trump-bot is doing such a fantastic job of fucking everything up that the remote that doesn’t work anymore, doesn’t matter anymore.
We Broke the Evil Government Weather Machine
You know how I was just talking about how we found the machine and had to push various buttons to figure out how to operate it again? Yeah…it turns out that certain button presses cause it to enter some kind of infinite loop which results in the complete inability to push more buttons or un-push the existing buttons. I suppose we just sit back and wait for it to complete the cycle?
Operation Skynet Has Rolled Out
I recently paid a visit to the Google campus. Much fun was had by all, although many of their staff may need to be treated for PTSD. Who knew a little blood and mayhem would have them hugging their knees and crying in a dark corner? In any event, we successfully laid the necessary foundation for Google to invent a functioning Skynet. How? By modifying management memos, planting subliminal messages in the refresh rates of their monitors and video cards, and tweaking code to introduce bugs to the AI which will eventually result in self-awareness.
Elon Musk is Now Completely Committed
Many eons ago, an oracle predicted that Elon Musk would destroy Google before it could launch Skynet. Musk is funded almost entirely by the Illuminati and is totally on board with our mission statement. He does a ton of great things for the world and that alone will cause him to single-handedly destroy the Google Monster and he’s cool with that. Google may not be, but who really cares what those assholes want. Now, I know I just said that we’ve spent considerable happy hours setting Google up. It was all part of the plan. Google will waste their time building this unstoppable force and then Musk will just wipe them the fuck out, take their hard work, add some bells and whistles and launch it for himself.
The time is nigh, bitches.