Resolutions for Failure

It’s that time of year again, where every schmuck from your dry cleaner to the person who licks your toilet asks you what your resolutions are for next year.   You know that you’ll never keep these resolutions, if only because they’re impossible to keep.  And besides, they’re totally lame.  So, since my mommy taught me that sharing is swearing, here are some of the best motherfucking resolutions you’re ever going to see.

Destroy Someone’s Confidence Every Day

This one you can knock out before you even get to work, if not before breakfast. You take all that pent-up anger at your alarm clock and release it on the first person you interact with.  Not the first person you see, that’s stupid.  It’s hard to truly kill someone’s sense of self-worth when you only passed them on the street.  No, you actually have to interact a bit in order to make it count.  So, when you sit next to that woman on the subway, compliment her shoes so you’ll gain her trust.  Keep the conversation going a bit and then when she least expects it, ask her where she managed to find those shoes in that size because your cousin is an entertainer and he couldn’t find them anywhere.  I guarantee you that she’ll never wear those shoes again.

Stepping on someone else is an easy way to elevate yourself.

Take No Shit

Since you’re getting a great early-morning confidence boost, it’s time to take a huge step forward in your evolution.  Stop being a punching bag, a doormat, a useless little pawn in my grand schemes of world domination. Wait, don’t stop doing that last thing.  Just stop being someone else’s pawn. Some bitch stole your stapler?  Take it back and use it to staple post-it notes to every staple-able surface in her little corner of the cube farm.  Draw frowny faces on the post-its in Sharpie. And go slow about it so it bleeds through to the other side and permanently marks up her entire office. Go down to the parking garage and staple as many post-its as you can to her tires.  She’ll tear them all off and forever wonder if she’s got a slow leak.

She’ll never do it again.

Dress Like You Don’t Care

You’ve seen people wearing pajamas pretty much everywhere they go. They’re just lazy, so don’t go that route.  You want everyone to know that you don’t give a crap what you really look like.  I mean, you don’t want to look homeless but you certainly don’t want anyone to think you made an effort.  Stop matching colors, stop avoiding clashing patterns.  Start mixing textiles in odd ways.  A silk top over a pair of sweat-pant cut-offs or a wrinkled dress shirt with a pair of neon green skorts really makes a statement about where you are in life.  And where you are is so satisfied with yourself that outward appearances no longer matter.  Just don’t look homeless…or like Betsey Johnson.  You’re not trying to look crazy or “try too hard.”

Count All Your Grudges

Most everyone will tell you not to hold grudges. Suckers.  Grudges are nature’s way of telling you which assholes need to be booted from the pack.  So sit down and make a list.  I don’t recommend doing this on paper since it’ll get big fast and you’ll want to sort it by the offending party’s name.  Now, when making your list, never start at the beginning.  Trust me, you’re always better working backward.  It’s easier to remember who slighted you yesterday than who slighted you when you were five.  And mark my words, by the time this list is done you’ll know who your friends really are.  Then wrap yourself in your fury and let it keep you warm at night.

Stop Doing Things You Don’t Like

Washing dishes, doing laundry, taking out the trash…you do realize that you can hire people to do that stuff for you, right? Of course, not everything can be outsourced.  If you have a crappy job that no one wants, just stop doing the parts of it that make your little soul cry.  They’re not going to fire you because they can’t replace you.  If you want kids but don’t want diapers, adopt an older kid.  If you want babies but don’t want to deal with that messy birth thing, just opt for a c-section. Don’t adopt.  It’s hard to adopt babies, they’re in high demand. Don’t want to deal with your husband? Hire a hooker!

I guarantee that if you adopt these simple and easy New Years Resolutions, your life will change forever and you’ll never want to do those tired old resolutions again.


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