Soupy Lies

Their only value is as casserole mixer. Think about that long and hard.

Condensed canned soup is a gloopy, disgusting glob of ick.  Apply some heat and it becomes edible, but only barely.  I mean, have you seen the little bits of “chicken” we put in the “chicken” noodle?  It’s pigeon gristle.  You eat flying rats when you get sick, you pig.

Nothing is more of scam in the food game than the illusion of less.  Take a good look at those cans, ignoring the obvious dent and the fact that the last one has extra stuff in it.  One is 98% fat free, one has 25% less sodium and the last has none of these problems.  Notice anything else? They’re all the same size and weight.  And while I didn’t bother to take a picture of the backs of these cans, the serving size is all the same (1/2 cup condensed) and you still add a can of water to to uncondense it.

The first illusion is that the original can was full fat. It was not.  This applies to milk as well.  Whole milk is actually 3-3.5% fat.  We’re only removing 1% and you think it’s so much healthier for you.  Hahaha, fat chance!  Get it!  Fat!  Don’t believe me? Too bad.

The next is wording: the 98% can of soup has only 2 grams of fat in it so a full-fat can should have 100 gram of fat, right?  No, because that other can has only 6 grams.  That’s right.  We only got rid of 66.6% of the fat, and if you really look at the label, it was mostly the good fats.  We’re assholes.  You’re welcome.

Well, surely the 25% less sodium is not lying, right? You finally got something right!  We really did remove 25% of the sodium.  It went from 870 mg to 650 mg.  And we added 130 mg of potassium, so you can’t say that we never threw you a bone.  Of course, without all that salt, the soup will be bland as fuck.  But the blood vessels in your head will maybe not explode.  You win some, you lose some.

So anyway, if you really look at the labels, you’ll start to wonder how you can remove like half an ounce of shit out of a can of soup and still have it weight the same.

Gerbil piss.  Every can of “healthy” soup contains like half an ounce of gerbil piss.  It’s cheaper than water.  I guess if you want to avoid it, you’ll stop buying garbage that claims to be healthier.


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