The Illuminati would like to take this opportunity to thank Stephen Colbert for being such a wonderful and loyal servant to the organization. Many years ago, Stephen contacted HQ and expressed a deep desire to belittle and control people. Naturally, this piqued our interest and we decided to see just how serious he was about all this.
First order of business was to send him down to the basement to feed the Wolverpus. This really shows the true measure of a person. Those authorized to bear witness to the indoctrination escorted a very young and excited Colbert to the door of the Wolverpus’ lair. When he heard the deep, menacing growl from beyond the door, he began to protest against our initiation procedures. Poor Stephen didn’t realize that we don’t have initiation procedures. We make it up as we go along… and we get bored easily. Stephen picked up on that last bit pretty quickly because we opened the door and shoved him through before he could even get the first sentence out of his mouth.
We eagerly pressed our ears to the door, hoping to hear him crying in agony. And we were not displeased as he whimpered and begged for a full five minutes before silence overtook the room. Being the only person the Wolverpus won’t tear limb from limb, I entered the lair to check on our little buddy. Oddly enough, I found them both in the corner playing pat-a-cake and enjoying a nice cold beer. Colbert was in relatively good condition, with only a few minor gashes.
While neither the Wolverpus nor Stephen will tell us what transpired, we do know that the Wolverpus now refers to him as “Sparkles”, and that Stephen refers to the Wolverpus as “Spanky.” So, we were impressed that Sparkles managed to befriend Spanky, especially since Spanky doesn’t usually name his food.
Since it’s been centuries since anyone’s made it past the Wolverpus, we were a little hard-pressed to think of a second phase of the initiation. We thought about pushing him down an elevator shaft and deducting points for each bone broken, but the Wolverpus almost threw a hissy-fit.
So, at the Wolverpus’ behest, Sparkles was sworn in immediately and sent to the cafeteria to receive his official tattoo.
But anyway, he has been quite the loyal minion. Through his show, he has managed to misinform, misdirect, and control the general public – and they are not only perfectly aware of this – they cheer him on!
At some point, Stephen, you will have to explain to your loyal followers that you’ve been unable to successfully grow a penis since that little accident with the pizza delivery boy last year, that you’re in love with Xenu, and that those golden eggs can be gotten from the vending machine in the lobby. Stop sticking your arm in there. That’s disgusting.
So congrats, Stephen. Eventually, you may be able to earn a lifetime achievement award…but it’s highly unlikely since we only give those out to rotting corpses and we plan on keeping you around for an incredibly long time.