An Appreciation of the Colbert Affair

The Illuminati would like to take this opportunity to thank Stephen Colbert for being such a wonderful and loyal servant to the organization. Many years ago, Stephen contacted HQ and expressed a deep desire to belittle and control people. Naturally, this piqued our interest and we decided to see just how serious he was about all this.

First order of business was to send him down to the basement to feed the Wolverpus.  This really shows the true measure of a person.  Those authorized to bear witness to the indoctrination escorted a very young and excited Colbert to the door of the Wolverpus’ lair.  When he heard the deep, menacing growl from beyond the door, he began to protest against our initiation procedures.  Poor Stephen didn’t realize that we don’t have initiation procedures.  We make it up as we go along… and we get bored easily.  Stephen picked up on that last bit pretty quickly because we opened the door and shoved him through before he could even get the first sentence out of his mouth.

We eagerly pressed our ears to the door, hoping to hear him crying in agony.  And we were not displeased as he whimpered and begged for a full five minutes before silence overtook the room.  Being the only person the Wolverpus won’t tear limb from limb, I entered the lair to check on our little buddy.  Oddly enough, I found them both in the corner playing pat-a-cake and enjoying a nice cold beer.  Colbert was in relatively good condition, with only a few minor gashes.

While neither the Wolverpus nor Stephen will tell us what transpired, we do know that the Wolverpus now refers to him as “Sparkles”, and that Stephen refers to the Wolverpus as “Spanky.” So, we were impressed that Sparkles managed to befriend Spanky, especially since Spanky doesn’t usually name his food.

Since it’s been centuries since anyone’s made it past the Wolverpus, we were a little hard-pressed to think of a second phase of the initiation.  We thought about pushing him down an elevator shaft and deducting points for each bone broken, but the Wolverpus almost threw a hissy-fit.

Stephen Proudly Shows Off His Official Tattoo
Sparkles Proudly Shows Off His Official Tattoo

So, at the Wolverpus’ behest, Sparkles was sworn in immediately and sent to the cafeteria to receive his official tattoo.

But anyway, he has been quite the loyal minion.  Through his show, he has managed to misinform, misdirect, and control the general public – and they are not only perfectly aware of this – they cheer him on!

At some point, Stephen, you will have to explain to your loyal followers that you’ve been unable to successfully grow a penis since that little accident with the pizza delivery boy last year, that you’re in love with Xenu, and that those golden eggs can be gotten from the vending machine in the lobby.  Stop sticking your arm in there.  That’s disgusting.

So congrats, Stephen.  Eventually, you may be able to earn a lifetime achievement award…but it’s highly unlikely since we only give those out to rotting corpses and we plan on keeping you around for an incredibly long time.

You Demented Freaks

I love you.  I really do.  I’m not screwing with you, either.

After WordPress upgraded to 2.7, something which I never cared to notice became hilariously apparent.  When it comes to the two most popular posts on this blog, between our Obama announcement and our expose on Vince Offer – Obama nabbed 61% of the pageviews while Vince is at 39% and climbing quickly.

It brings tears of happiness that renegade leprechaun and infomercial pitchman, Vince,  has a shot in hell of beating out the most famous shape-shifting lizard in the United States, Obama.  And you… YES, YOU made this all happen.  The Care Bear rebel faction has specifically asked that you put in extra effort to make sure that Vince beats Obama’s ass in pageviews.  Pointless Vengeance will be theirs!

So be sure to let all your insignificant little friends know that Vince is the bomb and point them to the blog entry so we can appease the rebel faction.  If we don’t they will not enter another candidate into the race and we’ll miss out on a  more entertaining car crash in 2012.

President Elect Barack Obama
President-Elect Barack Obama
ShamWow's Vince Offer
ShamWow’s Vince Offer

Kreativ Blogger Award

For some reason, this blog was tagged for the Kreativ Blogger Award by ElfNinosMom of Adventures in Frickintardistan, one of our co-conspirators.  Normally, I would ignore such a thing, but I saw what she did to that Turkish elm using only a pair of pliers and a gummy bear..and well, that was nothing short of amazing. We tried to put the video up on YouTube for the drooling masses to stare at, but it crashed the server.  Your loss, my gain.


So anyway, as a condition of receiving the award, I now have to list six things I like:

  1. Chasing interns down the hall wielding the Ice Cream Scoop of Terror
  2. Giving hungry fluffy carnivorous bunnies to unsuspecting animal loving vegans and watching their face as Bugs and friends go for the jugular.
  3. Flying cups of hot coffee.  It’s beauty in motion.
  4. Playing chess with the Wolverpus
  5. Playing God with your lives
  6. Chocolate

And now, to spread the plague to six other bloggers:

  1. Jeremy’s Weblog – Occasionally, I like to pretend to be normal.  And on those occasions, I read his blog.
  2. Famewhore!, She Wrote – Celebrities amuse me.
  3. FreeDumb of Expression – But I disagree, just because you can does mean that you should.  It’s more entertaining that way.

Yes, that’s only three.  The Illuminati cannot be bothered to read more than three blogs a day.  I’ve got more important things to do.

Now, where did I put those bunnies?

ShamWow – Shammy Suckage

The Illuminati have completed an investigation into ShamWow and Vince Offer.  “Investigation” might be a stretching it a little bit.  “Little bit” as in “beyond the limits of reality.”  We pronounced them guilty before Vince was a tickle in his daddy’s pants.  For those who are still sober enough to read, ShamWow and Vince Offer are guilty of the following crimes, bad behavior, and general stupidity:

Unauthorized Use of Rubbing Alcohol

While demonstrating the amazing “absorption” of Vince’s Binkie, Vince dumps the contents of a shammy onto the surface in front of him.  Now, after I locked twenty-three interns in a 8×8 room with nothing but a box of Wheat Thins and this segment of the commercial for a month and a half, sixteen interns decided that Sharon’s ass looks big in those jeans.  The other seven were unavailable for comment, so I logged their answer as a soft agreement.  Witness the following screen captures.  Notice the rate of dissipation at the top of the puddle (not to mention the rest of it) before the shammy even touches it (click to enlarge):

alcohol-01 alcohol-02

And before you can notice that the liquid is disappearing on its own, he mops it up with his magical shammies:

alcohol-03 alcohol-04

Now, using this video evidence, the Illuminati finds ShamWow and Vince Offer guilty of violating section 45626.666.7383 (Unauthorized use of Rubbing Alcohol for Boring Purposes) as well as the greater offense of unsuccessfully lying to the public.  We don’t have a code section for that.  It’s engraved on your soul with a Sharpie.

Exposing Illuminati Favors


Several years ago, Vince approached my organization with a simple request.  He wanted us to increase his odds with the ladies.  So, my people gave him hideously large hands.  What did you expect?  The Wolverpus already drank all the mojo prototypes. Now, the ShamWow people at least attempted to cover up the problem but clearly missed this one obvious scene.  Vince knows better than to let the camera that close to his dirty little secret and therefore we find him guilty of embarrassing my organization.  If he really wanted to expose himself, he should have gotten drunk and flashed some school girls from a public fountain like a normal person. Noooo…he’s gone and done it by hocking product nearly every commercial break.  As a matter of fact, Vince exposed himself to me at least four times while writing this post.  I feel so dirty.

Carpet Saturation Rules Violations

If you’re going to saturate a carpet with liquid you must always remember the four sacred rules: 1) make it donkey urine 2) make sure it stays that way 3) don’t clean up any of it 4) don’t let anyone know you did it.  I know that Vince took the class, but after reviewing the security footage, it looks like he put his head in his giant freaking hands and slept through the whole thing.  We’re revoking his certification.  And we’re going to do it by having Billy Mays come to his house and show him how it’s done. And then he’s going to pretend to clean it up with OxyClean, sell Vince health insurance, and move in like a cockroach in slumlord central.  To anyone who comes into contact with Billy: never, ever, leave him alone with your vacuum cleaner.  He picked up some tips from Dyson that are illegal in most countries.  Your vacuum will never be the same again.  It may even require counseling.

Poor Editing

On top of the carpet saturation mess, those ShamWow people couldn’t even properly edit the carpet cleanup scam.  Check out the following images:

Before Picture Lifting Carpet
Before Lifting Carpet
After Putting the Carpet Back Down
After Putting the Carpet Back Down

One would think that with Vince’s mad three card Monty skills that he would have slammed that shammy down so fast over the edge of the carpet that you would never have noticed.  But, no, he hovers the shammy over the spill almost as if he’s taunting you.  Random idiots are seeing this inconsistency.  This is an embarrassment to quality Illuminati infomercials worldwide.  How do you expect us to con stupid people into buying completely useless shit if you sloppily expose our secrets?  Now everyone’s going to be suspect that the energy drinks, “Head-On”, and other atrocities take advantage of clever editing.  I cannot possible express the extent to which I am disappointed in the editor monkeys.  I mean, if you lock enough of them in a room, they’ll hammer out the script to a reality tv show but they can’t possibly manage to hide one little blood…I mean soda spill.

Clone Carelessness

When Vince entered the commercial racket, we gave him several clones by which to make it easeir for him to star in more commercials and appear personally – at the same time.  It’s Illuminati policy to facilitate the saturate the market with products by providing courtesy clones.  You should know that by now after that fiasco with the “Help, I’ve fallen but I can’t get up” lady.  There were like thirty-two of them and they all applied for Medicaid at the same time.  Gave their case worker a heart attack.

Evil Vince Clone in Action
Evil Vince Clone in Action

With our help, it is possible for Vince to actually be in two or more places at the same time.  Too bad he’s not being more careful.  You can actually make out one of his clones quite clearly in the background of a customer testimonial.  Notice how the clone is wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses.  Then suddenly, Vince is back in the studio in a blue t-shirt and NO SUNGLASSES.  There is absolutely no possible way that he could been pulling his shtick in the studio wearing one outfit, changed into “Evil Vince” and zoomed outside and gotten halfway through his speech for the customer testimonial, changed his clothes back to “Studio Vince”, and back in the studio without even being out of breath….twenty-five times an hour!  The only way to explain this is Illuminati Trickery in the shape of Vince clones.  Now, due to the fact that Billy Mays hasn’t off’d nearly enough clones in a jealous rage (usually involves Oxytov cocktails) and that Vince himself is making it obvious that he’s using the clones, we’ve decided to sell off the remaining six hundred Vince Offer clones at an extremely discounted price.  He’s great around the home, garage, car, even on the boat.  He mops up spills in no time flat.  You can even cut him in half and put him in the washer.  Use him on the dog!  I mean, you’re going to spend at least $50 a month on hookers and maids anyway, so use Vince Clone v2.1 instead.  We’ll even throw in four mini-Vinces for free if you order right now…after all, we can’t do this all day.  You followin’ me camera-guy?

A Word of Warning

I could go on and on about the additional offenses witnessed, but I will throw my ambitions in the dumpster and let someone else deal with it so I can issue the following advice.

Vince, the Leprechaun High Council is extremely upset that you stole your brother’s pot of gold and wished to be a mortal man.  They are even more upset that you chose to put your faith behind a product made in Germany (notorious leprechaun oppressors) instead of your native product, Lucky Charms.  They no longer find you “Magically Delicious.”  Or, actually, they may once they catch you and apply the right seasoning.

ShamWow, I suggest you protect Vince as best you can.  Leprechauns are pretty jovial beings until you piss them off bad.  And Vince has done just that.  I assume that he hasn’t enlightened you to this fact for the same reason that he did not inform you of his past.  Leprechauns are also quite tricky and can fit into tight places, so you might just want to seal Vince in a 10×10 clock of cement and pray for the best.

Good luck.

Wolverpus Escapes

Early yesterday morning, my beloved wolverpus escaped from his cell during a routine feeding. After gorging himself on the idiot intern who left the door unlocked, he manipulated the elevator system into allowing him roof access and leaped to a nearby building. By the time the black helicopters arrived to subdue him with the hash brownie grenade launcher, our surveillance cameras lost him. We did, in fact, attempt to track him using the video feed contained in your control devices, but the quality was far too low, what with everyone running for their lives. The good news is that we got a really good snap of him for the Illuminati Christmas card while he was tearing someone’s arm off. We’re still deciding on whether or not to photoshop the blood spatter off his face.

A routine check of his credit card revealed numerous authorizations at an ATM located outside a strip joint on the other side of town. Fifteen operatives were dispatched to the location, but by the time they got there, he had already left with several of the most desired strippers and tipped the remaining ones generously in his haste. The operatives have yet to return, and when they do, they’ll be treated with a strong course of antibiotics for their insolence. And Naugahyde underwear for good measure.

Figuring that he’d be busy most of the night, we called off the search until day-break. And an excellent move it was as this morning, exhausted from the previous night’s escapades, he phoned my office and declared “I never thought of myself as a ladies’ man, but I had a marvelous stay at the Holiday Inn Express last night.”

So, it is with a heavy heart that the wolverpus returns to his home in the basement of our HQ. I think I’ll be authorizing more of this out-time. So if you should by any chance stay at a Holiday Inn Express and want to complain about the noise level in the suite next to you…for the love of all your attached limbs, reconsider.

Puppies and Kitties and People I Pity

It’s that time of year again, the time of year when every fiber of my being fills with so much joy that I very nearly implode in a subatomic wave of Turkish toenails and pomegranates.

Yes, it’s time to torture the interns who are still in the building…I mean evaluate their performance and assist them in correcting any flaws.

Now, that’s not to say that we don’t torture our interns all year long, but evaluations are super special. “Why?” you ask? Because normally, I don’t get allocated any time to really think about what I’m going to put those freaks through so I end up just randomly shouting orders for punishments, but this is the one time of year that my superiors actually allocate a couple of weeks for me to sit down and really think things through.

So, for those of you who have requested to join my organization, I offer the following excerpts as a mild glimpse into what starting out in the Illuminati is like:

Tommy has been with the organization for three months and was involved in only one project. He demonstrated an extreme lack of enthusiasm when he was volunteered to test the Belly Button maker. As we heard him screaming to “make it stop” from three floors away, we realized that his level of commitment was disappointing at best. In order to assist Tommy in becoming an example of Illuminati Excellence, I recommend alternating pain therapy where we will force Tommy into choosing the worse of two electric shocks or be covered in silly putty and barbecue sauce and fed to Tyra Banks.

Cindy has requested that we let her out of her contract. In doing so, she has established that she is completely illiterate. It quite clearly says in her contract, in plain sight somewhere in the middle of page 1052 in the tiniest print I could find in the most unreadable font available that not even death will get you out of your contract. So, I’ve decided to let her think she’s out of her contract and make her my special little project. Why, she might just fall asleep in the bathtub only to awaken in her neighbor’s swimming pool stark naked during a family birthday party, or maybe she’ll check her mail and find her boyfriend crammed into the box, or perhaps I’ll just have the the Anti-Environmental Tree Kicking Chipmunks picket her front lawn until she cries for mercy. Honestly, I can’t decide on any one thing…so maybe I’ll just keep throwing stuff at her until she cracks.

Ben appears to have an exceptionally low IQ as he has been repeatedly unable to bring me a decent cup of coffee. Incidentally, he also cries like a little bitch when winged by a flying cup of scalding hot coffee. Since his learning abilities appear to be hampered by pain, we should just stop trying to teach him anything at all. We really don’t want to do away with him just yet, as I find certain un-scarred parts of him to be quite entertaining in a rather pedestrian way. So, I’ll be taking him home and while he’ll enjoy himself at first, rest assured that he will dread the day he saw hot bean water.

Karen has difficulty respecting authority. She does not respond when spoken to, is running an abnormally low body temperature, absolutely refuses to have a pulse, won’t entice The Wolverpus into play, and the smell is getting worse by the day. This kind of insubordination will not be tolerated on any level. Karen will be forced, at gunpoint, to clear out her desk and report directly to the Soul Retrieval and Gravy Pudding testing facility where she will be subjected to the “Special Sauce.” Look for her in a store near you.

So that, my obedient friends, is what our interns will be subjected to for failing to assist us in improving our methods to oppress your free will. Bastards.

But, considering an intern’s lifespan is quite short, we are always looking for more. So don’t let any of the above dissuade you from sending your resume to HQ. We will most definitely consider it.