The Illuminati have completed an investigation into ShamWow and Vince Offer. “Investigation” might be a stretching it a little bit. “Little bit” as in “beyond the limits of reality.” We pronounced them guilty before Vince was a tickle in his daddy’s pants. For those who are still sober enough to read, ShamWow and Vince Offer are guilty of the following crimes, bad behavior, and general stupidity:
Unauthorized Use of Rubbing Alcohol
While demonstrating the amazing “absorption” of Vince’s Binkie, Vince dumps the contents of a shammy onto the surface in front of him. Now, after I locked twenty-three interns in a 8×8 room with nothing but a box of Wheat Thins and this segment of the commercial for a month and a half, sixteen interns decided that Sharon’s ass looks big in those jeans. The other seven were unavailable for comment, so I logged their answer as a soft agreement. Witness the following screen captures. Notice the rate of dissipation at the top of the puddle (not to mention the rest of it) before the shammy even touches it (click to enlarge):
And before you can notice that the liquid is disappearing on its own, he mops it up with his magical shammies:
Now, using this video evidence, the Illuminati finds ShamWow and Vince Offer guilty of violating section 45626.666.7383 (Unauthorized use of Rubbing Alcohol for Boring Purposes) as well as the greater offense of unsuccessfully lying to the public. We don’t have a code section for that. It’s engraved on your soul with a Sharpie.
Exposing Illuminati Favors
Several years ago, Vince approached my organization with a simple request. He wanted us to increase his odds with the ladies. So, my people gave him hideously large hands. What did you expect? The Wolverpus already drank all the mojo prototypes. Now, the ShamWow people at least attempted to cover up the problem but clearly missed this one obvious scene. Vince knows better than to let the camera that close to his dirty little secret and therefore we find him guilty of embarrassing my organization. If he really wanted to expose himself, he should have gotten drunk and flashed some school girls from a public fountain like a normal person. Noooo…he’s gone and done it by hocking product nearly every commercial break. As a matter of fact, Vince exposed himself to me at least four times while writing this post. I feel so dirty.
Carpet Saturation Rules Violations
If you’re going to saturate a carpet with liquid you must always remember the four sacred rules: 1) make it donkey urine 2) make sure it stays that way 3) don’t clean up any of it 4) don’t let anyone know you did it. I know that Vince took the class, but after reviewing the security footage, it looks like he put his head in his giant freaking hands and slept through the whole thing. We’re revoking his certification. And we’re going to do it by having Billy Mays come to his house and show him how it’s done. And then he’s going to pretend to clean it up with OxyClean, sell Vince health insurance, and move in like a cockroach in slumlord central. To anyone who comes into contact with Billy: never, ever, leave him alone with your vacuum cleaner. He picked up some tips from Dyson that are illegal in most countries. Your vacuum will never be the same again. It may even require counseling.
On top of the carpet saturation mess, those ShamWow people couldn’t even properly edit the carpet cleanup scam. Check out the following images:
One would think that with Vince’s mad three card Monty skills that he would have slammed that shammy down so fast over the edge of the carpet that you would never have noticed. But, no, he hovers the shammy over the spill almost as if he’s taunting you. Random idiots are seeing this inconsistency. This is an embarrassment to quality Illuminati infomercials worldwide. How do you expect us to con stupid people into buying completely useless shit if you sloppily expose our secrets? Now everyone’s going to be suspect that the energy drinks, “Head-On”, and other atrocities take advantage of clever editing. I cannot possible express the extent to which I am disappointed in the editor monkeys. I mean, if you lock enough of them in a room, they’ll hammer out the script to a reality tv show but they can’t possibly manage to hide one little blood…I mean soda spill.
When Vince entered the commercial racket, we gave him several clones by which to make it easeir for him to star in more commercials and appear personally – at the same time. It’s Illuminati policy to facilitate the saturate the market with products by providing courtesy clones. You should know that by now after that fiasco with the “Help, I’ve fallen but I can’t get up” lady. There were like thirty-two of them and they all applied for Medicaid at the same time. Gave their case worker a heart attack.
With our help, it is possible for Vince to actually be in two or more places at the same time. Too bad he’s not being more careful. You can actually make out one of his clones quite clearly in the background of a customer testimonial. Notice how the clone is wearing a black t-shirt and sunglasses. Then suddenly, Vince is back in the studio in a blue t-shirt and NO SUNGLASSES. There is absolutely no possible way that he could been pulling his shtick in the studio wearing one outfit, changed into “Evil Vince” and zoomed outside and gotten halfway through his speech for the customer testimonial, changed his clothes back to “Studio Vince”, and back in the studio without even being out of breath….twenty-five times an hour! The only way to explain this is Illuminati Trickery in the shape of Vince clones. Now, due to the fact that Billy Mays hasn’t off’d nearly enough clones in a jealous rage (usually involves Oxytov cocktails) and that Vince himself is making it obvious that he’s using the clones, we’ve decided to sell off the remaining six hundred Vince Offer clones at an extremely discounted price. He’s great around the home, garage, car, even on the boat. He mops up spills in no time flat. You can even cut him in half and put him in the washer. Use him on the dog! I mean, you’re going to spend at least $50 a month on hookers and maids anyway, so use Vince Clone v2.1 instead. We’ll even throw in four mini-Vinces for free if you order right now…after all, we can’t do this all day. You followin’ me camera-guy?
A Word of Warning
I could go on and on about the additional offenses witnessed, but I will throw my ambitions in the dumpster and let someone else deal with it so I can issue the following advice.
Vince, the Leprechaun High Council is extremely upset that you stole your brother’s pot of gold and wished to be a mortal man. They are even more upset that you chose to put your faith behind a product made in Germany (notorious leprechaun oppressors) instead of your native product, Lucky Charms. They no longer find you “Magically Delicious.” Or, actually, they may once they catch you and apply the right seasoning.
ShamWow, I suggest you protect Vince as best you can. Leprechauns are pretty jovial beings until you piss them off bad. And Vince has done just that. I assume that he hasn’t enlightened you to this fact for the same reason that he did not inform you of his past. Leprechauns are also quite tricky and can fit into tight places, so you might just want to seal Vince in a 10×10 clock of cement and pray for the best.