Office Attire for the Savvy Illuminati

You spend 16 hours a day at work, so you should be comfortable.  Whether it offends someone else’s sensibilities doesn’t matter.  They’re not in your skin.  They don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and see…that…every day.

Whether you like to attend important meetings in club-wear or your team’s bowling outfit shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own. And that brings me to the dress code outlined in employee manuals.  Total bullshit.  As long as you’re there and pretending to work like a good little minion, I don’t really mind if you duct tape your genitals to your thigh and call it formal wear.  Actually, I think you’d get a raise if you did that, since the last guy who did used three rolls of duct tape and made the annual calendar.

Did you know that some places require women to wear high heels?  Good news for you, ladies, is that they don’t say where.  If there’s no policy in place against hats that’s a good, if not mundane, place to park it.  On the other hand, if you’ve got a boss who gets a little handsy, you can always tape it to the crotch of your pants, heel out.  Superglue some spikes to that and you’ve got a statement on sexual harassment.  Not that I would know anything about that.  I’ve never harassed anyone, no matter what any of these overly sensitive, paranoid men in my office think.  They were asking for it.  You know, to…uh..unwind.  It’s the whole reason behind No-Pants Wednesday.

But again, that’s a dress code thing, isn’t it?  Too late.  It’s mandatory.