Office Attire for the Savvy Illuminati

You spend 16 hours a day at work, so you should be comfortable.  Whether it offends someone else’s sensibilities doesn’t matter.  They’re not in your skin.  They don’t know what it’s like to look in the mirror and see…that…every day.

Whether you like to attend important meetings in club-wear or your team’s bowling outfit shouldn’t be anyone’s business but your own. And that brings me to the dress code outlined in employee manuals.  Total bullshit.  As long as you’re there and pretending to work like a good little minion, I don’t really mind if you duct tape your genitals to your thigh and call it formal wear.  Actually, I think you’d get a raise if you did that, since the last guy who did used three rolls of duct tape and made the annual calendar.

Did you know that some places require women to wear high heels?  Good news for you, ladies, is that they don’t say where.  If there’s no policy in place against hats that’s a good, if not mundane, place to park it.  On the other hand, if you’ve got a boss who gets a little handsy, you can always tape it to the crotch of your pants, heel out.  Superglue some spikes to that and you’ve got a statement on sexual harassment.  Not that I would know anything about that.  I’ve never harassed anyone, no matter what any of these overly sensitive, paranoid men in my office think.  They were asking for it.  You know, to…uh..unwind.  It’s the whole reason behind No-Pants Wednesday.

But again, that’s a dress code thing, isn’t it?  Too late.  It’s mandatory.

Cross-training is Devil’s Work

Not the exercise, we’ve already covered how horrible exercise that is.  No, I’m talking about cross-training at work.

It’s annoying and accomplishes nothing.  Look, when I take an intern who knows nothing about feeding The Wolverpus and have him feed The Wolverpus, do you know what happens?  Right.  Chewed beyond recognition. All that time I invested in teaching him how to re-arrange my collection of jarred human brains was wasted.

So, if your boss wants you to learn a new position, run like hell.  Not because you’re going to get stuck feeding some hypersexual man-platypus-wolverine hybrid but because you’ll now be responsible for doing twice the work at half the price. They won’t tell you that. Your employer is dishonest with you. I’m the only one you can trust for career advice and you know it.

Every new job you learn under the guise of advancement or “helping out” is a job you’re going to be stuck doing when that person leaves. Just keep in mind that you can’t let your employer know that you’re onto him. You must engage in stealth career stagnation.  This means that you learn other jobs, but you give no indication that you know them.  This protects you from horrible things like being called a “hard worker” or “conscientious employee.”

But aren’t those good things, you ask?  Fuck no.  These are the worst things any boss can say about their employee.  That means that they’ve found a way to pull your very life-blood from your anus. Keep your life-blood where it belongs.

At the same time, you can’t seem too useless.  Occasionally perform a task that your boss doesn’t know you know and then when he tries to put you on it again, act like you’ve never done it before.  It doesn’t matter how much detail he throws at you to jog your memory about the last time you did it.  Never happened.

Never happened.

Now your boss is crazy and you’ve somehow come out looking like an unreliable savant who can only be relied upon to work outside your job description when it doesn’t matter at all.