Your Facebook Statuses Make You A Shitty Hire

We get a lot of applications for employment here.  It’s a very cushy job.  You don’t even have to have a sense of morality.  So, I feel the need to tell you that we pre-screen applications based on your Facebook behavior.  We have a whole department dedicated to it.  I told them to forward me a list of behavior they look for and whether or not we’re interested. I don’t exactly know why and they offered no explanation beyond a shrug.  I know who’s getting urine in their coffee tomorrow!

The “Good Christian” Self-Complimenter

You’re actually a terrible person who tries very hard to convince others that you’re a good person.  You use the bible as a shield against anyone who calls you on your shit.  Remember, a Good Christian doesn’t need to advertise.  You also tend to act like you’re better than everyone else, which would be fine but you have no foundation for it except a book.  You need to back your shit up with actual results.

Strong Women Cry When Alone

You’re a raging bitch who frequently gets verbally (and sometimes physically) abusive with those around you.  They know you’re a raging bitch and have had enough of it.  So you post stuff like this so they think that you are capable of being sad or hurt. Truth is that the only thing that hurts you is losing your punching bags.  Welcome to round two of the screening process.

Strong, Independent Woman

If you ever sat down and looked at your life, you’d notice that you’re honestly never without a man.  They’re like perpetual band-aids.  I’m not talking about being in a series of healthy relationships.  I mean, you absolutely cannot function alone and will settle for anything that will have you. Whether the man in your life is your son, cousin, husband, neighbor’s husband, brother or some guy you met on a dating app, it doesn’t even matter.  You will hop from one man to the next in quick succession.  You’re not always in a relationship with them either!  Sometimes, you’ve found, you can con a guy into doing guy things for you without even the promise of sex. And when you’re in a dry spell, you whine at your female friends until they fix their problems for you or let you borrow their significant others for your guy things.

We actually don’t need anyone like you, so don’t come looking here for work.  Our guys have enough to do without you ruining their productivity by making them do your job too. Besides, they’re already doing my job.

Misogyny

You have a hard time keeping a girlfriend and no one can figure out how you keep getting them to begin with.  Your breakup statuses are insanely amusing, littered with insults like “slut” and “whore.”  Insults which you gladly sling at any woman who dares defend herself or another woman to you.  You also try to control the other women in your life, going as far as to tell them what they wear, who they date and going off into a rage when they act like actual human beings and not your personal property.

We actually have no place for you here.  We’ve evolved.  The last thing I need is to find you duct-taped under an overpass – not working – because you called a woman a slut for wearing a three-piece suit.  Or the smell.  We don’t need the smell.  I mean, basic hygiene is not gay so don’t just let the water cascade over you in the shower, scrub your junk like a man.

Loving Your Children

We get it.  You incubated a parasite for nine months and shot it out between your thighs. You’re kind of attached to it.  It also makes you a huge liability.  Those things incubate the plague, they fuck up everything nice and they ensure that your priorities will always be elsewhere.  Breeding is only a marketable skill for certain departments and we’re a bit overstocked at the moment.

Loving Your Pets

You spend far too much time talking about and posting pictures of your pets.  I can’t even imagine hiring someone like you when we have a whole internet of people doing exactly that for free.

That being said, keep it up.  Watching baby animals fall asleep is literally my entire workday on Fridays.

Non-Stop Selfies

You really like the way you look, and you especially love to hear anything that affirms this opinion. You likely post the “I’m ugly!” selfies then masturbate to the compliments.  You’re seriously high maintenance and most of your Facebook friends have actually blocked your status updates.  They’ll stay friends with you in case something important comes up, but like in real life, they pretty much avoid interacting with you.

Your only marketable skill is taking a picture of yourself, which literally no one actually needs.  Eventually, you will stop being pretty and if it doesn’t happen naturally with time, I will personally come to your house and wrinkle the ever-loving shit out of your face.  Your friends will unblock you at this point, since watching deluded ugly people take selfies in the hope of getting lots of genuine compliments is like watching a fifty-car pileup.

Consistent Vaguebooking

You honestly believe that creating a false sense of drama ferrets out who your real friends are.  Truth is that you’re a self-important jackass.  No one actually cares and the people who fall for this shit more than three times are just bored.  Everyone else just rolls their eyes and scrolls past because videos of making spinach cups are infinitely more entertaining than whatever manufactured drama you’ve come up with.  And plot-twisting those posts isn’t going to endear you to anyone or make anyone but you laugh.

We have actual people who are already quite talented at annoying others.  They understand plot structure, twists, and timing.  They know when to be vague and overly dramatic.  You do not.  You have literally one trick and you wore it out two days before you were born.  If on the other hand, you would like to jump through the same hoop for twelve hours a day, I’m sure we can find a place for you.