Illuminati Tips for Living Forever

I’m honestly really tired of other sites giving you all these healthy living tips that were not sanctioned by my organization.  They should honestly know better considering that I’m the one to determine the drug ratios in their water supply.  Well, they don’t necessarily know about that.  Especially what I’ve done to their bottled water.  They should know better anyway.

Water Causes Uncontrollable Leakage

Your body is about 60% water. Even one little glass can change that to 61%, at which point you should worry. Your body will panic and attempt to get rid of the excess. It’ll start with your eyes and nose and then it comes out your pores. Eventually, you’re just peeing constantly.

Think about this.  I mean really think.  We all know someone suffering the symptoms. That woman in your office who always has a bottle of water with her? The one who cries at the drop of a hat? Who sweats uncontrollably? Who has to piss every twenty minutes? I know she tells you that it’s menopause…it’s not. She’s over-hydrated. She’s literally killing herself. You’ve got to stop her. Take all her water. Take it then return it to the ocean.

Stop Rehearsing Death

Sleep is an overrated concept.  Not only do you end up flat on your back, vulnerable to assassination, for 7-14 hours, but you end up missing important things all day or night.  As an adult, you’ve come to appreciate bedtime and the occasional afternoon nap, unaware of the potential dangers.  And I’m not just talking about the assassins:  sleep is just a death rehearsal and the older you get, the closer you are to the big show.  That’s why you seem to need more as you get older.  It’s your body telling you that the time is nigh.  So rather than rehearsing death more as you get older, rehearse it less.  Give Death the most offensive hand gesture you know and commit to sleeping half as much.

So, if you sleep eight hours a night, dial that back to four.  At first, it may feel like you’re already starting to die, what with the aching joints, the inability to think straight and falling asleep in random places.  That’s just your body telling you that you’ve discovered the secret to immortality. After a few months, it will realize that this is a battle that you’re going to win and will stop all that nonsense.  You’ll be happier, more energetic and the hallucinations are fantastic.

Exercise is Dangerous

No one actually enjoys exercise, but it’s the “in” thing to say you love it, so those sheep just go with it. The masses get excited over things like spin class  – stationary bike riding in a group.  Fact is that exercise makes us all miserable. Doing it, planning it, even thinking about it…ugh. I can’t even stand it. Not only does the mere thought of exercise illicit anxiety in most of the population, it’s also dangerous. In 2012, almost half a million people were injured while exercising. So stop stressing over having washboard abs.  You were never going to have them anyway.

Junk Food Is Part of a Balanced Diet

It’s no doubt that we need to take in a certain amount of vitamins and minerals, lest we waste away. What nutritionists won’t tell you is that the human digestion system has evolved to a point where it actually requires what experts call “junk food.” Your body doesn’t crave chips or brownies for no reason. It knows something you don’t. Maybe you’re lacking gooey goodness #5 or that perfect balance of oil and chip sawdust which greases the rusty wheel in your brain.

Truth is that people who diet are slow and gross.  They amble around like the walking dead because they are slowly dying of nutrient deprivation.  Their refusal to acknowledge that cocoa nibs, oil-drenched anything, and salty-sweet goodness are part of a balanced diet will be their undoing.  In the meantime, you can operate like a gazelle by grabbing your emergency stash of cookies and tearing into that bitch like a shark with an injured baby seal.