With the presidential election just weeks away, we at the Illuminati have decided that it would be joyously insidious to dispel some myths and release some well known Illuminati insider information about Barack Obama. Now without further adieu…
Obama Was Not Born in Hawaii
After people have so fervently defended Obama’s birth certificate, I can assure you that he was not born in Hawaii. Yeah, I totally forged that certificate. On my coffee break. You people are so gullible. Truth of the matter is that Obama was born on Amalthea, which is the third moon of Jupiter. This is very important to those who actually give a damn because Amalthea is the traditional birthing ground of the royal family of shape shifting lizards. Now, Obama is not a member of the royal family. Well, not officially. You know how well those royals keep their nondescript reproductive organs to themselves. Yes! That’s right! Obama is the bastard love-child of George Bush and the Queen of England! Don’t deny it. You know in your heart that it’s the truth.
Obama’s Aversion to the Pledge of Allegiance
First of all, the Pledge of Allegiance is not really about patriotism at all. It’s a promise to give your immortal soul to an inanimate object. Agents of the Illuminati cannot pledge their immortal soul to inanimate objects, Pamela Anderson, or corn dogs. If we attempt to do so, we’ll dissolve in to a puddle of goo resembling Marlon Brando. Therefore, any images or movies you see of Obama reciting the Pledge with hand over heart is a total fabrication – and easily duplicated using mirrors, lasers, and a tuna fish sandwich – with extra mayonnaise. The mayonnaise is important for pliability.
Obama’s Infamous Limo Ride
Did Obama really coke up and engage in sexual relations with that limo driver on YouTube? First of all…c’mon, a limo driver? Coke? This is a prized Illuminati agent and he has access to way better drugs and far better looking sexual partners. Unlimited access. Heck, he can still pick a coked up toothless limo driver if that’s where he wants to put his jollies. But I can assure you that if he did pick such a partner, there is no way we’d let the guy live long enough to post his lame-ass story on YouTube, much less file a lawsuit.
Obama’s Going to Tax Water
This is just ridiculous. Shape-shifting lizards wouldn’t tax water. The shape-shifting process is extremely drying and Lubriderm simply does not work as advertised. So, taxing water would not be a good idea for the shape-shifting lizard population of the world. But, taxing air, bodily secretions, hookers, and M&Ms…all fair game. And don’t think he won’t tax M&Ms either. He hates them, what with their prancing around in their animated arms and legs, corruping todays youth with seductive lines like “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.” He simply must tax them before they figure out how to make porn and the echos of hard-coated candy shells clacking together are heard throughout the country.
There are of course many more rumors, none of which I will bother to address. Mostly because I just don’t care enough…ah, there I go again – lying. I’ve got to go swear in some interns. With bottle rockets filled with acid. This is going to be fun.