If you really love plants…

Have you ever talked to your house or office plants and justify that behavior with the pretense that they can’t hear you? Well, you’re right – they can’t.

But I can.

Go ahead. Take a good long look at your ficus. Sing a couple of show tunes…entertain me. And if you’re an erotofloramaniac…please, stop…before I throw up.

I mean, how else did you think we were compiling all this information on you? Through your myspace page? Sweetie, the Illuminati are not interested in drunken photos of you in compromising positions that you posted, sadly, thinking you look hot. We have far more embarrassing material. Stuff you wouldn’t want to get out. Like that little incident with the Swiffer wet jet and the white tiger (you know those animals don’t grow their tails back, right?). Or the time you put a sensitive organ in the dishwasher and not only hurt its feelings, but also permanently damaged the pipes. Or do you think that your secretary is secretly eavesdropping on your meetings, phone calls, and reading your email? Well…she is. But not for us.

But we’re not just using them to keep an eye on you. We’re also using it to keep an eye on the general public. You ever hear those news bits that go “So-and-so went missing in Central Park?” Yeah, how do you think we know that Central Park is where they went missing? Our spies are all around you. Every time you don’t scoop the poop, we hear about it. Every time you goose a 90-year-old woman, we laugh right along with you. And put down the hot dog. No. I don’t care. Put it down.

We initially started this method of intrusion with courtrooms. It wasn’t feasible to place enough agents in the room at enough locations to hear everything going on. Plants solved the problem. Now we can hear sidebars, the chattering of teeth as the court employees crank down the heat, the judge scratching his nuts…everything.

And of course, since it worked out so well in the courtroom, we started drafting plants everywhere. And R&D is currently working on ways of integrating submission methods right into the plant so I can send you into a semi-comatose state on a whim. On top of that, I’ve been told that the built-in self-defense methods such as the pepper spray shooter and the grasshopper sniper rifle are just on the horizon. It would have rolled into production last month, except we had a problem with the ladybugs getting pepper spray in their eyes, wandering into the rifle, and accidentally being fired at living statues at the park. It wasn’t pretty.

So next time you water your Japanese Peace Lily, consider that sometime soon, that harmless looking plant may be sending you into a vegetative state. And singing Mariah Carey at the top of its lungs while you’re stuck there… watching and listening for the rest of your natural life.

Payback’s a bitch.

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