Trampling all over your sense of reality, breaking into your homes and playing tic-tac-toe with your sanity, and just making you wake up screaming in the middle of the night is getting far too easy, and quite frankly, I’m so very bored. My psychiatrist was telling me that I might need to make the whole…
Year: 2009
Illuminacare: The Illuminati Health Care Option
I have to admit that it’s been very entertaining watching everyone scream at each other over this whole healthcare debacle. No, really. I didn’t know you had it in you to get so worked up over nothing. Don’t you realize that no matter what you want or what you think is going to happen, you’re…
Pocket Villagers Now Available
One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public. Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand…
Oddthingsyphilitis
Play along, my friends, or don your tin foil beanie and pretend that I can’t reach you. Just when I finished the last round of antibiotics, I managed to pick this up from ElfNinosMom over at Adventures In Frickintardistan. Honey, go to the free clinic to get this taken care of before you spread it…
Congratulations, Colbert
My office received word early yesterday that our very own Stephen Colbert won the contest to have the new glorified Brita/Ionic Breeze/Porta-Potty named after him. He really needs to step up his game, though, since he only received 230,539 votes. His following used to be much larger than that. I’d suggest acquiring a number of…
An Appreciation of the Colbert Affair
The Illuminati would like to take this opportunity to thank Stephen Colbert for being such a wonderful and loyal servant to the organization. Many years ago, Stephen contacted HQ and expressed a deep desire to belittle and control people. Naturally, this piqued our interest and we decided to see just how serious he was about…
Vince Tries to Slap Chop It Up to Me
Those who pay any kind of attention while fast-forwarding through commercials have seen our evil little leprechaun hocking a new product. Quite clearly, the Slap Chop is an attempt to gain favor with the Illuminati. Now, we’ve decided not to make a decision about this based on my present mood, since doing so would most…
Chief Justice Drives Home Win for Care Bears!
The Illuminati are well aware of the controversy surrounding Obama’s Oath of office and we thought we’d take a moment to give you an idea of what went wrong, and how we fixed it. Still bitter about McCain’s loss this past November, and not satisfied with having Vince Offer kick Obama’s ass in pageviews on…