One important aspect of my job is determining the effect of our actions on the morale of the unsuspecting public. Recently, we tried to use complex emotional and developmental algorithms, but that required the computing power of the human brain and it turns out that the human brain isn’t much more powerful than a thousand horny lemmings. And if I wanted to train a thousand horny lemmings to sit in the corner of my office and bleep and bloop like an arcade game, I would have gotten married.
So, we decided that it would be best to kick it old school, or what have you. That’s right, we managed to revitalize the “Angry Villager Feedback System.”
If you were lucky enough to remember the last time we instituted AVFS, you’ll fondly recall the astounding heights of terror it achieved before the program came crashing down around itself. You see, the major problem with angry villagers is that one will cannibalize others to increase mental capacity and logical thinking skills. This will enable that one to rise to a position of power and lead an (unsuccessful) uprising. But we’ve made several improvements to the program.
While the previous uprisings were beaten back with minimal bloodshed of anyone except interns, they are particularly annoying. Like that time I had to keep running some guy down with my car. It wasn’t my fault, really. If he had just resigned himself to death instead of constantly getting back up, I wouldn’t have had to back over him thirteen times. Can you imagine how much that grated on my nerves? Well, the uprisings are the same way. So, when I thought about restarting the program, I knew I had to find a solution to this nonsense. R&D offered up the use of their experimental shrink ray (they’re still trying to figure out why it will sometimes only shrinks the genitalia), which reduces the villagers to convenient pocket-size. This cuts back on the chance of losing more of those useless interns.
And in a bit of serendipity, the new size makes them suitable for public sale. That’s right! For just $2,499.99, you can now own your very own set of pocket villagers. It may seem like a high price at first, but once you realize the value, you’ll know it’s a steal. Quite literally. Illuminati Pocket Villagers were bred from authentic stock plucked from the annals of history. Many are missing teeth, cannot read, and hump their sister’s leg without warning. You just can’t mimmick that kind of inbred behavior, and trust me when I say that we’ve tried.
But what can you use the Pocket Villagers for? Management decisions, of course! Thinking about cutting out health insurance for your employees? Run it past the villagers to see how your employees will react! Want to initiate a massive layoff? Let the villagers in on your secret! You’ll know you’ve made the right decision when they try to light your desk on fire!
Not in a management position at work? You can employ the villagers to terrorize your co-workers. Is your cube-partner annoying you by clicking his pen too much? Use the villagers to secretly remove the clicker after working hours. Your boss cut health insurance? Use the villagers to light his desk on fire! Remember to blame the janitor!
But what if you’re unemployed? Never fear, we take food stamps, welfare checks, unemployment checks, fuel assistance, and SSI/SSDI. And if you think that just because you don’t have a job that you don’t need the villagers, you’ve got to remember that you’re always wrong. There are lots of things they can do for the gainfully unemployed! Why, they can get you an ice cold beer from the fridge and it’s like watching Easter Island come to fruition, so you’ll be entertained while you wait. Don’t like your neighbor’s dog? Just tell your villagers that it’s a wicked beast sent from below to encourage rampant homosexuality. They’ll take care of that problem lickety-split. They’re also great for picking pockets on the subway…and now you have an alternative revenue stream.
So order your Illuminati Pocket Villagers today. And if you act now, you’ll get a video of Vince Offer beating up a hooker. I swear we had nothing to do with that, except for making him wear his PJs for the mugshot. You know, if he had a ShamWow and a Slap Chop (with life-partner, Graty) with him that night, he wouldn’t have any need for a hooker.
Are these also suitable for carrying in a purse or briefcase? Also, will their pitchforks set off alarms at airport security?
We don’t recommend that anyone simply toss them into their briefcase or purse. This is not only because the contents may cause broken bones and soft-tissue injuries as you sling it over your shoulder or drop it on a table. They also tend to get really bored in there and may decide to eat your lipstick or shred your TPS reports.
So, we do have a convenient carrying case available which not only will protect them from any potential damage, it also automatically injects a sedative which metabolizes so fast that your villagers will be alert and ready to riot less than a minute after releasing them from the case.
The case itself is not large at all. It’s actually the size of an M&Ms mini container. This means that not only will you be able to store them in your pocket, you’ll also appear to be really, really happy about it.
And if passing through metal detectors is a requirement, remember to pick up the titanium accessories kit.
For the low, low price of???
Your thumbs.
BEAST!! Talk dirty to me. Or at least send me an intern with a four-letter-word vocabulary
“Illuminate Pocket Villagers were bread from authentic stock”
Arnolds Rye? Do they make a nice sandwich?
Such a typo would be impossible and as it turns out, non-existent.
Thanks for the props on shamwow.